I feel like we've totally lost touch! Just wanted you to know I'm out here, thinking of you.
I'm back to my BB blahs. Well, and general life blahs. This too shall pass.
Anyway, have a great weekend. I have the usual hectic one in front of me. As I told Mer yesterday, my May calendar would make just about anyone cry. Multiple activities on just about every day.
You know I congratulate you on all the effort and great results! Wow, wow, wow!!......You take your bad self down any street and enjoy those admiring glances!!
" It's sort of weird, though. It took for me to lose weight for me to see that Mr. Wonderful refused to see the changes in me until my physical appearance changed. I'm sure the men have some enlightening thoughts on that observation...
To be brutally honest, the 20 lbs came off with a little hard work and a conscious desire to succeed, but overall, was much easier than changing my thoughts and behaviors." __________________________________________________________
I REALLY agree with you there....as hard as changing the phsical appearance can be....the emotional changes are the most hard to do. Maybe we should all be giving ourselves more credit when we realize the commitment and energy it takes to lose just five pounds compared to the inner changes we have been trying to make!!
Haven't all the experts told us that men are more "visual", While women are more expressive emotionally or orally.
Pornophraphy is deemed more interseting to men than women? Because of the visual stimulation.
So I guess we shouldn't be surprised that they notice MORE when our physical appearance changes first than when our emotions and responses do.
That may also be why women change hair color, clothing, make up, jewelry etc. etc.
I mean look at what men wear........ pants and a shirt, pants and a shirt .....Now granted there is some variation, but it's pretty basic for men.
For women getting dressed is a major league operation sometimes!Pants? skirts?( all different lengths)Suits, dresses? shorts? skorts? jeans? casual? semi casual? business? business casual? dressy, semi formal? slutty? work out wear? cleaning out the garbage chic......old bathrobe comfortable! ?????
Then the accessories!
My god, a man puts on his watch and he's "dressed up"!!
Betsey, remember my little earring trick??? and how nervous I was about changing EARRINGS for god's sake!!heheheh
Men are just very basic creatures...let's face it. And there's nothing wrong with that! They are not women so why should we expect them to respond as women.
Great lingerie works too!( even letting them see you in it!) We fix up our minds, we fix up or bodies, why should we not fix up our wardrobes....I don't mean bust the bank!! I mean Kmart and Walmart sell stuff too, ya know!
I for one would love to hear stories from others out there who have tried this, I bet there are some fun ones.
What I find truely interesting is how it takes the physical change for them to NOTICE the emotional ones.
Like when I got out of the car after my H hadn't seen me for three months (I was less 33 lbs) he actually "wowed!" me( didn't think I heard him!)...and he immediately responded differently... The big thing was it was up to me to keep those changes in place.To keep being aware that I wanted him to respond differently and to not take me and my responses for granted. For him to keep seeing me in a new light. To surprise him with my reponses not being the same old, same old LONG ENOUGH for him to make changes in the way he responded to me.
Maybe this is an area of 180 that not enough of of use??
Not everyone can make radical changes to their appearance by losing weight...but there are other changes you can do that get attention. Using them along with character changes might get some of us the attention we need to get our emotional changes noticed.
Men don't look at themselves all day...if they did they'd see pants and shirts pants and shirts...ho hum! They look at women...........and they look and they look and they look( hopefully they don't touch!) But they do look! I'm sure in part because they like to see variety and they like the stimulation of "New".
So give em' something new every once in a while! I have noticed a number of times someone will get on here and tell about getting their hair cut a new way, or get a make over and how great they feel...Like a new person!! It's good for YOU too! It gives you a fresh outlook and a new perspective.
Here's to change!!!!! Let's not be afraid of CHANGE!!
I know you're gonna have a great weekend...no matter what you do.....!!!!!!
BTW, Betsey...your low cal Mai Tai, is sitting here beachside! Cheers.
Quote: I for one would love to hear stories from others out there who have tried this, I bet there are some fun ones.
I did the Wonder Makeover Plan when my change in thyroid meds helped me lose 30 pounds practically overnight. Finally. I figured it was happening, I was going to maximize it.
My physical changes happened when the behavioral and emotional ones were just beginning. No fun realizing you still have the real work to do! But it did seem to help get attention for the others as I make them.
Quote: Haven't all the experts told us that men are more "visual", while women are more expressive emotionally or orally.
Every single one of my male friends and family members has given many compliments about my "new look". I saw H notice immediately every change I made-- but at first I got questions or snide remarks, not compliments. At one point, he said he did not "care for my new look"... this was on a day that I looked great, IMO. (Later he mentioned that he was not looking so good these days and he knew that.)
A few of my male friends have also remarked on the non-physical changes I have made, though not as quickly.
Quote: Not everyone can make radical changes to their appearance by losing weight...but there are other changes you can do that get attention. Using them along with character changes might get some of us the attention we need to get our emotional changes noticed.
I got more physically active. I now hike, ride my bike in the woods though not enough, learned to kayak (water was a fear of mine), do a lot of yoga and lift weights. I go for things that are fun rather than "Exercise" with the capital E.
This big change--made for me-- also turned H's head, esp. when I packed my mountain bike on the jeep and went on a little road trip or went kayaking with mutual friends.
When you lose a certain amt. of weight there is a built-in "reason" to get new clothes (which require accessories and shoes ). I did this too. No longer wearing shapeless drab clothes, folks! Mom is so pleased. I have added color, fun style and items made to fit petite frames (yes, I finally accepted I am a short girl, LOL).
When you feel comfortable in your body, shopping is more fun. Plus there are lots of places to get bargains. I like outlet stores or online shopping for best deals and quality.
Lingerie is a great change, even if the H never sees it (nicer when they do, though). The key is buying pieces that YOU like, not that are somebody's image of sexy.
I also lightened my hair and changed the style a bit a while back. H picked this up immediately. Same with painting my toes more often and wearing my toe rings again (who knew they would come back in style--good thing I am a packrat!). Immediately noticed this too.
Most of these things I did a long while ago. I've kept them up consistently. It's less a "new" me than finding the original me again. That's why I find my H's responses interesting-- because I look and feel an awful lot like a improved version of the girl he married.
Hi Betsey - Just checking in, makes me feel just a bit more grounded to visit with friends
Hi Meredith
Quote: "What are you so angery about, Mer? I told the cat that I was leaving, he didn't tell you?"
Not an uncommon scene in our place too. Have you read the book by Barbara and Allan Pease - Why Men Lie and Women Cry? Variation on the Mars/Venus theme, but hilarious with the cat type illustrations
Hi Pam
Quote: Goal: Get through May. After that, who knows????
I've just hopefully exhausted my crazymaking energies for the month with an extremely ambitious set of goals on my post. I'll now be happy to make it through May too
Have a great week, everyone. H just got the DVDs for the complete Friends Season 6 - I kept thinking of this thread as we were clutching our sides yesterday... Slowly
Damn, Trish, I'm so glad you kept my drink cool next to my chair on the sand! I've been waiting to get to this point, and I'm so glad I made it. It's been a long time coming.
You and Wonder added some incredibly fresh perspective on this theme. I am going to give your posts a lot of credence, because they make sense.
Now it will be time to put the theory to test. Mr. Wonderful is leaving for LA late tonight. Oh, I neglected to say that he finally called me Saturday afternoon. He had way too good news to share about the tournament and I was the one he wanted to share it with. The ice breaker...
After our brouhaha with D10 last Monday night regarding gymnastics (she wanted to quit but has now changed her mind), he's going to take her tonight, shell out the $ for this month's fees and ask her to sign a commitment form for 3 months. And no complaining.
Well, little does he know that he's going to get a little writing assignment of his own tonight (with MC's enthusiastic approval). I'm going to give him an envelope to take with him on the trip which has an essay to write: an ending for our last chapter and a beginning for our next one.
He gets home late Wednesday night, so I don't expect him to return it to me until maybe Friday or Saturday. One way or another, I figure I'll have an answer before mother's day. Oh, and he's taking off Friday to take care of the girls (they don't have school) and then dropping them off Saturday morning so he can take the motor home out for a few days to see if everything is working.
Maybe this is something he needs, as his own mother passed away on Valentine's Day? I feel that he is still grieving, and let him know it's fine with me.
In the meantime, this beach is looking awfully inviting. I might be staying here awhile! Did anybody bring tunes?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Catholic guilt…gotta love it. Such wonderful guilt has caused me to feel the need to post some of what is going on in my world!
H is still, well, H. He still doesn’t know anything, he still wants to be married, he still wants to live apart, he still loves me…etc. Still, still, still. And, I, well, I am still restless. I still feel that after a year, things should have some progression. I still feel that this is his way of eating cake by having family time when he wants and alone time when he prefers that. And I still have an incessant need for answers.
I went on such an answer quest last night, and got the stills that I listed above from him. That, and a few soons, somedays and maybes. I do hate soons, somedays and maybes! R talk is something that I have avoided and rarely advocate, but I felt that things came to a head after a disappearing act by him a few weeks ago. Things need to have some solidity, one way or the other. At least, that was the plan.
At the end of the non-conversation I felt pretty crappy. So crappy in fact, that I figured this was it. I don’t want to be still waiting a year from now. I don’t want to live day-to-day wondering if he is going to keep the plans he makes or if I’m going to be stuck with two crying children and trying to explain something that I can’t even understand myself. I need some direction -- I need to know where we are going, how we are going to get there and what is going to change in the meantime. I suppose Bush also still needs to know where the chemical weapons are. Sometimes, no matter how much we need to know something, the answer cannot be found.
Then, I was posting this morning and an overwhelming feeling of hypocrisy came over me. I am asking people to do things to save their marriages, when one conversation (or, lack of) caused me to chuck mine. So, I thought that I’d do this gut-spilling thing once more.
To go back in time a little bit, I am CONSIDERING that my H has fears that are holding him back from moving forward with reconciliation or divorce. These fears are an odd entity to work with because he cannot identify what he is afraid of. I would love a commitment from him to find help in dealing with the fears that I am ASSuming he has not made any attempt to deal with himself…but Betsey says she has a second suggestion, and baby, I’d love to hear it!
In the meantime, I’m going to go dark. I am going to be cordial and civil to him, but I also need to get away from this sitch for a little while. The resentment is killing me. I will have to see H tomorrow when he will pick up the children, and I will be pleasant, but not more than that. I love him, guys, but I can’t seem to like him right now.
As I was telling Betsey and Pamela, this thing no longer feels like a rollercoaster to me. A rollercoaster is something you voluntarily get on, and then have no control over where the ride goes or how long you have to be on it. I know that all of us do feel like that sometimes in regards to our marriages or relationships. However, right now, I feel more like I am pedaling on an exercise bike. I am doing everything right in my pedaling, and I can feel my own legs getting much stronger from the work but I am not moving forward. Not because I am doing something wrong, but because the bike is missing the equipment needed to move forward. It is just simply not made to go. Depressing, isn’t it?
The good news is that I am not (depressed, that is). I am also a lot less afraid of what divorce would mean for me. I can honestly say that I am going to be just fine with whatever out come!
And I am working very hard at obtaining a new life for myself. I’m going back to school in the fall, for a career change. I am working on doing something garden-ish with the back yard this year (my old method was a border of begonias and calling it quits). I am walking a lot more than I ever have (there is something to be said for an activity that allows you to confine both children, keep them completely in your site and get exercise at the same time. God bless the double jogging stroller). And soon I am going out for drinks and shopping with my DB buddy, Pam! Yeah, she doesn’t know it yet…
And for Wonder, I do not have the book you mentioned by the Peases, however I do have the one about reading road maps! I haven't read it yet, but I do have it. Hopefully soon...
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
.....Now granted there is some variation, but it's pretty basic for men. 
