Nothing has changed in my sitch. The 12 months of separation are up and I can legally file for D whenever I want now. I am just taking some more time to think about it and make sure it is coming from the right place and that I am not being emotionally impulsive. W has not filed and I am not sure why as she put all of this in motion and did bring up D early on after BD.
I have been reflecting a lot lately, and reading and watching videos on a variety of topics including self-care, self-love, self-improvement, self-discipline, etc to gain some more perspective, and it's been quite helpful.
Since early May of this year, life has been kinda upside down and interesting. I spent so much of early 2018 doubling down on DB and building myself and working on my weak spots and i thought things were incrementally improving for me. But life had other plans. All the plans I had made for this summer and in general got turned upside down and I could do nothing but reflect on what happened. All the issues that I was working on - not being controlling, not having rigid plans, working on goals of being healthy (eating right, working out, climbing) are being put to the test.
As I reflect on what happened since May, I believe that life basically gave me another reality check. That maybe BD didn't actually jolt me out of what I needed to work on and when I thought things were improving, life decided that it was time to test me and see if I had actually learned any thing. Every single goal that I had has been put to the test. It is one thing to create the vision of where you want to go and what you want to do, but another thing entirely when life decides to see what you're made of.
If I am unable to execute on my plans and goals, then who am I in the interim, waiting for the time when I can start working on them again? How do I handle well laid out, flexible plans being thrown out of the window? How am I going to talk to myself about it? All these questions came to the forefront.
The other thing I have had a great chance to reflect on is why I wasn't able to execute my goals as faithfully as I wanted to when things were going good. I was doing good but not 100% in my actions. After deeply thinking about it, i realized that I am afraid of success. Deeply afraid of being a success story.
The trauma that I have experienced in my life carefully created this victim story that I could tell myself and others. This victim narrative is warm and cozy. It is a safe place. It gives me all the reasons why I can't do something. It gives me the space to shed all accountability and ownership.
I am afraid of losing that warm space. If I become a success story in life, then I can't claim to be a victim. My safe space and crutch and coping mechanisms are gone. I can't go back to them and change my story. I realized that this attachment is holding me back from being the amazing person I know I can be, and crush it in life and work. I had developed all these awesome processes and methods to achieve my goals, and they work for me from a process point of view, but I was still unable to follow through. And I didn't know why. Now I know - I love being a victim. It brings sympathetic attention to me. People can feel sorry for me and give me whatever love and affection they can so that it may soothe me. It's sick.
One of the things in DB we talk about is focus on yourself. Probably one of the most important pieces of advice I can endorse. Don't just focus on yourself, take it to the next step - go inwards into yourself and find out who you are; what are you afraid of; look at yourself with very truthful eyes and vocalize it. Only if you do that then you can come out and improve your life.
In the few years before BD, I was a pathetic person - no ambition or drive; not very communicative; didn't take care of my appearance or spirit; a heavy cloudball of depression; judgmental and controlling. It must've $ucked ball$ to be around me. When I look back at that man, I feel disgusted and grossed out. I was such a terrible hot mess.
I don't say this to beat myself up, but looking at myself through those truthful eyes. I was a sad person to be around. the light in me had been extinguished and I was just surviving day by day, not living or reveling in life.
I have taken active steps to not be that person and I am fortunate to where I have gotten so far. I know I have ways to go, and life threw the second chance at me to take stock of my efforts and my dedication.
Does any of this justify BD and her not giving me a chance - no, I don't think so. But my side of the street was extremely filthy and I was rolling around in the dirt without a care in the world.
I am still in the throes of this second chance, this test that life has thrown at me to see if I actually did make the changes that I thought I had made. And see how patient I have become. It has been a grind and I've had frustrating days, but I am still standing tall and not defeated.
The other thing that I have learned about introspection and going inwards is that - pay attention to the lens through which you being the introspective journey. If you're excavating the past through the lens of pain, all you will see is red and victimhood. Instead, become more self-aware and introspect through curiosity and wanting to see the truth, and you will see the story as it is rather than how you want to paint the picture.
For the practical people here - this deep inward journey has come about through meditation and journaling. Simple meditation - focusing on the breath and the body and becoming aware of how my body responds. Journaling in an actual diary on whatever I am thinking or wanting to explore - this has been mind blowing and I have uncovered insights that I had no idea about.
So, take that journey inside of you. Blur the noise from the outside. Then you will truly find out who you are and what you are made of and what you need to do in terms of action.
I was already doing this but last week I saw an interview with David Goggins on the show Impact Theory on Youtube. I highly recommend checking his interview out. His worldview is not for everyone, but he put in words what I was trying to do and gave me really good direction. Other interviews on Impact Theory are incredible too.
So, I will come back to this thread to journal on and off, and report any changes in the sitch. Right now I am fully focused on physical therapy to get over my injuries preventing me from working out and climbing. I am going at my healing hard - the internal and external.
