Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[bttrfly]

Butterfly thank you for your red flags think it is easier for others to see them so for red flag 1 there is some validity there partly due to me being a less supportive H than I should have been all along but partly on her and living up to what her father wanted and projecting that on to me I never asked her to give up career to be a sahm but she clearly still blames that and other life choices on me

BINGO Gordie - read what you just wrote again please: her father was NOT supportive of her; you are supportive of your daughter ... She wanted/wants her dad to be the kind of dad you are to your kids. She didn't get that and she's p@ssed. The child of the same gender is the mirror and the one we will have the most trouble with if there are unresolved issues. This is textbook.

Red flags 2 and 3 I find more confusing and troubling and it never dawned on me that she is somehow jealous of her own children and she recently said she did not know why I am supportive of my daughter in her professional ambition in a way that I am not to her and did not know what to say to that so said nothing and yes she had issues in her childhood that are all wrapped up in this and are still wreaking havoc on her psyche and I cannot fix this in her

Gordie I'm sure she's not even aware that she's jealous of her own children. I'd bet she has a tougher time with the girls than the boys.

No, you absolutely cannot fix this in her. This is hers to fix, and hers alone.

I was not aware that you heard a similar speech was that before at or after b d

The day of BD it was a lot of talk specifically targeted to cause as much psychic pain as possible.

in the days and weeks post BD there were many awful, horrible conversations again designed to cause as much emotional damage as possible. A lot of comments of how in essence I put son ahead of exh, and son didn't need me to do the things that normal parents do - but exh doesn't know that is what a normal parent would do because his parents were anything but normal. There have been many many instances of exh saying things that are so obviously based in jealousy. In fact, exh pushed me so far one day in mediation and was so nasty that I turned to him in shock and said, "My God, you're angry because I became Son's mother and stopped being yours!" - it is such a true statement on so many levels and was patently obvious by the way he reacted when I said it and what he complained most about.

Exh's ongoing song was, "No one ever did that for me, so why should I do it for son? I turned out just fine." (Yeah, obviously; nothing wrong with him that divorcing me couldn't fix, right?)

This permeated the entire mediation then divorce and now post-divorce process. Yet, when our mediation was all over, exh turned to me and said, "You never asked for anything for yourself. It was always for Son and what to do to protect him or provide for him." This was said in a puzzled and shocked tone.

I said, "Yes, that's what a mother is supposed to do, isn't it?" I know that bothered him greatly ... That entire mediation process was him comparing his childhood experience of divorcing parents with our son's and being completely jealous of the fact that son had a mother who would protect him at all costs, which exh's mother did NOT do, and that I wouldn't ever use son as a weapon, which is all my ex-inlaws did with exh and ex-bil.

I know- it's bizarre. But this is in essence the root of the damage for most of these MLCrs, as far as I can tell. When I think about it in this way, I'm able to let go of the hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment and feel compassion for the hurt child who is striking out because they don't know what else to do. Doesn't make it acceptable or ok on any level, but does make it somewhat understandable, and allows fierce compassion to come in which gives me relief.

Hope this helps? xoxoxo