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[job]

Ginger,

I have to agree w/the others...just leave things be. When someone chooses to do nothing, i.e., respond, then that is an action. You do not want to come across as needy or "expecting" him to text you more often than he does. The less you respond and act like you don't care about his lack of texting, the more likely he will become curious about you and what you are doing.

As for your cousin, do not talk to her about him. He may not like being discussed w/others. You may not have a clue what your cousin has told him and if she's talking to him about you...then he's probably turned off by it. Try to keep your conversations w/her on general things and not on your personal, love life. She may mean well, but she may not realize how this all looks to him.

Just my two cents.

[kml]

I agree - cousin needs to KEEP OUT OF IT, it almost certainly seems like pressure to him and cousin apparently hasn't gotten the message to BUTT OUT.

As for him not texting - you're letting your insecurities run away with you. Now, maybe it's a sign he's just not that interested, but maybe that's just the way he is or an expression of his ambivalence.

I suggest you enjoy your date with him, refrain from drinking too much, and then wait to see if he asks you out after. He may just be a guy who feels that he's locked in a date with you, nothing else needs to be said until he's there. Some men are like that.

Or for all you know he is resisting you with ALL HIS MIGHT, sweating to keep his fingers away from the phone and texting you because DESPITE him not being ready to date he's SO attracted to you.

Or maybe he's an avoidant or a workaholic and that's why his ex divorced him.

The bottom line is, anything is still a possibility and you haven't gathered enough data to know yet. If after your next date you feel like things are still great between you two, THEN maybe you could ask him why he's so silent on contact between dates and you can evaluate whether his answer seems adequate. I understand he's not speaking your love language right now and maybe that will be a dealbreaker but it's just too early in this process to make a decision.

[JujuB]

Hi ginger,


For me, i would absolutely need a guy that texts or calls. I would want to feel thought about and i dont think that you wanting or expecting this is unusual or asking for too much.

For me personally, and this is just me...i would have detached and found someone that gives me attention, cause that is my primary need. And if he cant give it to me, i would just find someone that can. There are a lot of guys out there. And i would rather be by myself then give myself to someone and not have it recipricated.

You are not talking about a day or 2 early on. You are talking more then a week after being intimate with someone. I dont think you are being demanding.

Hopefully more men will chime in.

You always have a choice and control. So does he.

You just have to decide how much of a need this is for you. Can you live without it? What are your boundaries? I think it all comes down to acknowledging and respecting the boundaries that you want. And if they cant do it. You get to decide whether you change your needs and boundaries or move on. You are completely in control.

He does not seem to want to dive in to a long term relationship. If he did. I think he would contact you more. Thats ok. It doesnt make him a bad guy. He is not lying to you. Its just you have to do some soul searching and ask yourself if that is enougj for you. We are all different. I can say, it would not be enough for me. But other woman are different.

[Coconut]

Juju mentioned boundaries, which was the first thing that popped in my head when I read about you feeling like you have no control.. You have ALL the control with the one that matters, you just need to exercise that control. I think the biggest issue I see is that your not focused on what you want. In your updates right after dates you talk about great sex and you just want to have fun, you'll take things as they come and go with the flow; then about a week after each date you start getting anxious because he isn't giving you the attention you want in between dates. I could give lots of explanations as to what might be going through his mind, but instead I'll stay focused on you.

My opinion is this, you need to friend zone him, he's coming over for dinner, he's expecting dinner and "dessert", leave dessert off the table. Have a good time with him, live, laugh but don't love.. End the night with a nice kiss, but if he presses for more, tell him that you need more build up than just a fun night, you need to know he's thinking about the time you'll be spending together before the night has arrived.

Right now he's got a good thing going and has no reason to change, if you want him to change, start by making a change in what your doing.

[job]

I really liked Coconut's last posting about boundaries, i.e., especially about leaving the dessert off the table.

The last paragraph is very wise advise. Sometimes, we have to be the ones to change things up in order to have others change/respond.

[Ginger1]

All pretty solid advice, especially around the boundaries.

He finally texted me back last night saying he was sorry, busy, ect., still on for Wednesday. I think we might have to talk a little on Wednesday.

Dawn, I was reading your post on your thread, then your post to me and I realize that he does not speak my love language. It's funny, because all the love languages are mine in small doses. My biggest is quality time, which works different for me, as I don't get much time, but I like the quality aspect. Second is physical touch, which we are a little different on as he is an opposite side of the bed sleeper, not cuddling, but he is ok with affection outside of that, it's a matter of sleeping comfort. Then words of affirmation. When I say affirmation, it's not "compliments" just letting me know I am being thought of or appreciated and the such.

And you are all right on the I am not focused on me. This has been probably the biggest damage the cheating and divorce has done. I doubt myself horribly. I doubt that my needs are reasonable. I feel like I need to do everything to make everyone else happy so that they stay. Logically, I know that person can just go if they don't like me as I am. I actually like me as I am. But my ex traded me in as soon as I had needs and stopped just doing everything the way he saw fit. Any other R I expressed a need in (and certainly not an unreasonable one) I was dropped immediately.

That I don't think is me. I think it's the guys I chose. Or that chose me.

HC does is not ready for an R. And I can tell what he means by not being ready for one. meeting someone else's needs. Thinking about someone else. He is so focused on him right now, he doesn't want to worry about texting or calling me.

I truly met him at the wrong time.

Maybe, there will be someone in the same spot as me one day. One not afraid to give especially when they are getting something pretty great in return. ME!

[kml]

Here's the thing about the Five Love Languages: it's not just about learning to ask your partner to speak YOUR love language. It's about learning to recognize when they ARE speaking to you but not in one of YOUR primary languages.

Can you think of ways in which he IS speaking but you're not recognizing it?

Can you let go of your anxiety and just bring up the issue dispassionately? Something like "you know, when you don't text me for days at a time it makes me think you're not particularly interested."

Just don't drag all your old baggage into this. It's ok to let him know what you'd like but try to avoid coming off needy or hurt. Just give him the information and see what he does with it. He may not know he's doing it and may correct his behavior or he may not, then you'll have your answer. But remember, every time you got worked up in the past, he then came through and many of your fears were unfounded.

[Dawn70]

You know, G, you talked about the damage that the cheating and divorce has done to you. I know you have been in counseling so I'm interested in if this is something that you can work through. That's a totally rhetorical statement, by the way...just something for you to think about.

It has been talked about on this board a great deal and I think one thing we could ALL agree on is that it takes everyone whatever time it takes them to get past their divorce and to come to terms with whatever issues plague us as we go from marriage to being single and ultimately (hopefully) going back into relationships. It took me about a year. Some people completed their journey much quicker while others have journeyed through all of their own waters much longer than that. We are all different.

Maybe you did meet HC at the wrong time; maybe he's just focused on himself so not really thinking about meeting someone else's needs and therefore doesn't even realize you might feel somewhat neglected by his actions; maybe as someone (coconut, maybe...can't remember for sure) pointed out in another post to you that he's got a good thing going, getting his needs met so why change the status quo? My point here is that there is a whole laundry list of reasons he may behave the way he does and only HE knows what those reasons are. He may not even be able to vocalize them to you in a way that you would understand because you are in totally different places on your journeys. Does this mean he's not right for you? Not necessarily. Does this mean he will be right for you somewhere down the road when he does get his sh!t together, so to speak? Not necessarily.

As many of us have pointed out, you can either relax and enjoy the ride or you can let the anxiety overcome you and either cause you to walk away or drive him away. Only you can determine that. And, honestly, I HATE when people say to me the very same things I just said to you. Someone did it to me last week in a conversation actually. I was lamenting an issue related to someone I have had feelings for forever and my friend just asked me "well what are you going to DO about it?" Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............smack in the face with reality much? I hadn't thought about it as a what can I do scenario, but it totally is because ALL of my thoughts, opinions, actions, feelings are well within my control. Now, I can't control anyone but me, but is it necessary that I do? I mentioned on my own thread yesterday that I joke with friends all the time about how I have a script in my head of EXACTLY how things should go and what people should say and no one ever bothers to follow it. How easy would it be if people would just follow the scripts that we have so carefully constructed for them in our own heads?

I think the real facts in this "case", G, are that you are a GREAT catch. Young, successful, independent, attractive. There IS a good man out there somewhere for you. Now, if your luck is like mine (and I think we long ago determined that we are very similar), your man is lost out there somewhere refusing to ask for directions, because that is just like a man to NOT ask for directions, but he'll find you when the time is right. (Yes, I know....I HATE when people tell me that too. LOL)

[Ginger1]

Thank you!

I have overcome lots of my scars, but they do resurface. I actually haven't been to IC in 2 months, but I have an apt this week. I need to tackle this a little more. We have, but something always triggers my insecurity and throws me back into old patterns.

As far as the anxiety..... it's not really anxiety anymore. It's a general annoyance. I don't worry about if it is going to end, or what I did wrong. I finally came to peace with that. if it ends it ends. And if it ends, it's because we are in different places, not because I s^ck. I just do not like being ignored in the in between. So it's more of I am not enjoying this part of the ride and I am getting P'O'd more than anything.

I am going to bring up the communication issue very casually. Not going to make a big deal about it at all. but it's worth mentioning.

I do have to mix it up. I have realized I have made the dates except for the first one. Part of it, is I plan around my kid time, mine is always more strict because I get one free day a week. We have another that he thought about doing and I bought the tickets. Anything in between will be left in his ballpark. I would like to pursued a little.

It is a tough transition when you are also so used to do EVERYTHING because you are on your own. I am a get it done chick. I handle all of D's appts deadlines, paperwork, sports, ect. No one picks up any slack for me. So it is my tendency to get the dates and plans made.

And the funny thing is, I LOVE when a guy does all that. I can't stand always being the one. I am just so used to doing it. I loved that about FF. He made dates and plans happen.

[Ginger1]

Who wants to hear what my little angel just did?

She calls me from camp complaining about her phone. Her father an I agreed to get her a new one, but she has to wait another month until we figure out the contract. She whined. Then I told her I am making chicken for her dinner tonight and her little entitled spoiled butt complained about that.

Then she calls me back again at work (as you can see, thankfully, I am not busy today) and she asks me to take her for Italian ice. I told her no, when she straightens out her attitude and shows some respect, I will consider it.

Then she butt dials me. And I hear her saying to someone "My mom is soooooo mean, she never lets me have anything, she always says no, uuuggghhhhh, I can't believe her!" Then some more negative stuff about what an awful mother I am.

I call her back and let her know I heard EVERYTHING. She freaks out and starts to cry. I tell her we will be dealing with this when I get home. She is now sending me all these texts.

Sigh. I know she was just venting. But really, I do everything for that kid. And she knows it.

One thing I do not want to raise is an entitled little brat. I know she is all teengaery and kids will be kids.....

But Im gonna nip this one in the bud.