WAW - Managing Limbo Period Pt 2

[40free]

Neffer - thanks so much for the pep talk and confidence boost. We all need that sometimes, no matter how up or down we are feeling - really appreciated. You're right - I am in a much better place, and feel much more in control - of me, rather than her, but that's a good start.

And I know that you and Steve both suggested waiting for the MC session, but actually, the way the day panned out on Saturday, it was just becoming untenable. She went out for a while, came back then locked herself away in her room without a word. It was ridiculous. And so obvious that she was just nowhere near in a mindset to work on our relationship. I went to find her. Knocked on her door and then opened it slightly without waiting - the door was barricaded shut with a suitcase that was in there. Says it all really.

I said "this is just ridiculous. let's talk". We did. She opened up and said everything that we all expected her to say. She'd made a snap decision about working on the relationship last week. As soon as she said it she felt trapped again. She knows she was a coward, but she doesn't feel any differently about needing space and not wanting to be with me. I validated, said I also couldn't continue as we were, and we agreed there and then that we would go back to the original plan to tell the kids and move forward with mediation etc. Both of us felt this was the right way forward. And the tension lifted immediately. We even started to work together on financial stuff relating to the mediation during the afternoon. It was like chalk and cheese. Maybe I got played a little, but to be honest, it was never going to end any other way, and so I was at peace pretty quickly with where we got to.

So yesterday, we told the kids. We actually had to wait all day to do it, as every time we were about to get the three of them in a room, one of them had some arrangement going on or a friend over. It took until 6pm, and by that time, I think they knew something bad was cooking, they just weren't sure what.

My W and I had the whole thing scripted and choreographed - and I offered to lead and say the critical words. I wanted to be in control. It was the most awful experience of my life. Awful. The kids were in total shock.When it came to it, I managed to get through the first sentence, before the three of them just completely lost it. My two boys (aged 17 and 15) who don't like to show their emotions were sobbing, couldn't look at us and wouldn't speak. My daughter (aged 12) was inconsolable, although she was amazing and managed to ask a whole bunch of very sensible questions about why, what, where etc.. We were quite text book about the messaging - its not their fault, they mustn't worry about taking sides, they must try to talk to us and ask questions etc. It was traumatic but we got through it, and later once every one had calmed down and they were processing the information, I think there was definitely a sense of relief that we'd got it out of the way and the kids came back to us for cuddles etc. I even reached out and hugged my W when we were alone as I could see she was upset - she hugged back, just briefly. This was the first physical contact between us in 3 months. It was nice, even if only in friendship and nothing else.

I'd be really interested to hear from any of you who have had similar experiences with teenage children and how you helped them through this - particular the boys who don't like to speak or open up, even one-to-one. For sure they will come to us over the next couple of days and ask things, but for now, we are letting them be.

My W and I actually went to the MC this morning anyway, even though the purpose of the session changed. It was helpful in that I heard my W say she felt so guilty as she knew this was all her doing, and that she was just being so cold towards me over the last couple of weeks, and so, as I also told my D12, this was a way to make sure we could all be happy in the future. She also said she wanted this to be amicable, and for us to stay close, and we aired our concerns about managing tensions if/when they arise during mediation. It was a healthy exchange. We may or may not go back to MC during the process, but I think what is clear is that we have re-opened communications between ourselves now that the tension has lifted.

And I can see that now the awful experience with the kids is over, and we just continue to monitor their well-being, my W is a completely different person. Like a weight has been lifted. She's smiling, chatty, sharing things, initiating conversations. She had been out this afternoon to register her name with some real estate brokers, which we discussed she would do. But then when we were alone this evening, she came over with a big smile on her face and whispered with excitement that she'd actually been in to see a property already. Like this was the best thing that has happened to her in years. She went to get the details of the house, talked me through her notes and thoughts, and wanted to get my views. Like I'm now no longer the husband, the adversary - I'm the close friend who she wants to share news with. I played along, gave her my opinion, and was helpful. It was a very surreal experience, particularly when just 2 days earlier she was locked in her room desperately trying to stay away from me.

I get it that she now has what she wants - and this makes her happy. I just don't think she gets that whilst I'm going along with all of this because I was miserable the other way, I am just not where she is at. She has hurt me beyond anything anyone has ever done before. She has treated me like sh*t for the last 4 months - she's in, she's out, she's in, she's out. Yet now everything is rosy, and we can be friends....she can't see that's a big leap for me. I do still love her, and helping her move out is not easy for me. But I do want to stay close to her, I'm happy she wants to share things with me - it will help our relationship going forward, and will be good for the kids to see. But it still sticks in my throat that she has suddenly flicked a switch and is now a rejuvinated sleeping beauty bouncing around the house, rather than the Wicked Witch of the West, with her broomstick constantly swatting me away.. (or some other/better analogy!).

I guess that's what WAW's are like - when they get what they want, they are nice again....

So anyway, I'm ignoring all that. Will help her where I can. Focus on making sure the kids are ok. Continue to detach (funnily enough, for some reason, I now care very little about whether or not the OM is on the scene - although I don't think he is), and I'm planning lots of GAL as I start to share the news with my close friends. Should be a fun period... kind of.

The next chapter in 40's rollercoaster journey is about to start. Although 'limbo' can be an LBS's friend, it actually feels good to be out of it today. I can see light at the end of a long tunnel, and am in good shape to work my way towards it. Thanks to all the guidance from you all. I feel in a good place, even if it's not the place I was originally hoping for.

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