Get some financial / legal advice and find out if there is some advantage to your wife in choosing separation versus divorce. In my experience there is often a financial reason.
I don't know how it is in your state but in mine separation was going to be just as costly as divorce, and then you'd have to pay AGAIN for divorce. Might as well go straight to the divorce.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying she won't wake up and snap out of it, she might. But if she's moved out and in an affair with another guy, and wants to file something, let it be divorce instead. Stop being her Plan B. Sometimes it takes them really knowing we have moved on before they can start to feel what they are losing. Take a look at PsySara's thread in Newcomers for an example of a spouse who turned around at the last minute.
Also, just because you divorce doesn't mean you couldn't reconcile in the future The divorce is about protecting yourself financially.
job - I don't want a divorce and I don't want to instigate something I don't want. I want to find the quickest way to relieve my pain - in the short term the easiest way is to remember to breath and it takes somebody to remind me sometimes!!
I cant imagine feeling like this for another two years.
MarvinF - you describe exactly how I feel - I cycle between hope and despair. I'm full of emotion and sometimes wonder how I'm going to move forward.
I feel better when she is not around. She is getting a place of her own, but the paperwork is going to take some time to complete. It will feel a relief in someways when she is gone. Its not what I want either but some distance is going to help.
I fear for the long term effect this is having on our children; the loss of the family unit as I once knew because someone is unhappy and doesn't know why.
It was suggested today that the feelings follow the person. So even when she has moved out she will still be feeling the same and over time she may realise that those feelings can no longer be attributed to me; that is the hope I hang onto, but is it realistic to live that way. Living in hope that she realises her actions are a mistake.
I am glad to come back and read that you don't want a divorce. I don't want you to think I'm being a smart @ss here, but the only to relieve your pain is to work through it. A punching bag is a good way to relieve some of that pain, finding things that will keep you focused elsewhere will help.
I think in time, the pain will become dull, i.e., an ache. Right now, you are bouncing around because her behavior is affecting you and you are very, very close to her and her drama. I also think that once she has moved into her own place, you and your children will feel a relief. The tension is high right now because of her behavior and the children are sensing it not only from you, but her as well. They see their mother acting differently and I'm sure they sense something is going on w/her.
Once she has moved, it is going to take a while for her to realize that you are not the reason she's not happy...but it's going to take many, many months for that realization to take place. You can moved forward, keep the door ajar and there is absolutely nothing wrong w/having hope and praying that she will wake up and realize what she's doing.
Your children will need you more now than ever. You are a good father and they are going to look to you for stability and a safe place to come talk to you about the situation. As for your wife, leave her in God's hands. He will take care of her, heal her and guide her to where she needs to be.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job - I was overcome with emotion and now I'm breathing more easily, I know what I want.
She says she needs to separate and move out in order to find herself.
I need her to move out to maintain my sanity and allow her to work through her issues. I would prefer her not to move out but as time goes on, I feel it would be a relief. A relief from the cold, distant, emotionless person mlc has turned her into.
I feel for her and what she is going through. I wish I could fix her but we all know we can't.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
FM, So my W moved out just over a month ago after 18 months of in house MLC. I was feeling much like you. I can honestly say that as much as I didn’t want her to move, I am able to relax again finally. It will make it a little easier on you and it will be very eye opening once it happens. I actually didn’t realize HOW MUCH it was affecting me.
Having said that, be prepared for her to drag her feet during the moving process. Once my W made the decision to move, she was all about it. Of course then she wanted to wait for the right time to tell the kids so over a month went by before actively looking. Then she drug her feet in finding a place. Then she drug her feet in the actual move process. She has only been out for just over a month, but she made the decision to move MONTHS ago. Once I KNEW she was moving, waiting those months was agonizing. I think she thought she was doing me a favor or something. At one point I finally told her that although I didn’t want her to move, she had made the decision to move so I needed her to hurry it up and get her stuff and move out.
So, as eager as she may or may not be to move, be prepared for her to move slowly on it. She MIGHT need to be hurried along a bit to save your sanity. Sorry you are going through this...it is awful and almost EVERY SINGLE WORD you have said that your W has said, mine has said too. I’m a good man, I deserve better, she just can’t do it, she needs to go find herself and be independent, etc, etc, etc.
FaceMan: she may take her focus off you but realize that won’t fix anything. No contact is not meant to fix her, but it’s meant to protect you. Like others are saying you will find it much more tolerable if you are not around her spewing and pain. You can protect yourself and your kids, because guess what, you getting trashed is in no way changing anything. It is not helping her, it is not making her feel better, it is not fixing her. So all things being equal, DONT SUFFER.
Also the sooner you remove yourself the more likely it is you won’t hate her. Don’t focus on her “snapping out if it” when you are gone. Rather focus on if you can preserve yourself and not keep getting hurt you MAY still want her back if and when she snaps out of it, because if you don’t you will grow to hate her.
This is a marathon, sorry to say. Don’t start sprinting, settle in for the long haul. But it will be ok, as others said when you remove yourself you may realize how much stress and effort she has been causing you lately, even before BD, that you didn’t notice. No matter how much I miss my wife I am happier and more energetic and up when she is not around.
And make NO decisions now in the middle of the storm. Wait for calm and perspective before you decide anything. Right now ignore everything she says, don’t engage or discuss, just be kind but do not help her.
I'm not saying you should initiate a divorce filing. But if she's going to file for separation I would suggest to her that she file for divorce instead, unless it financially benefits YOU to just be separated. (Health insurance would be the most common reason this might be helpful).
I suggest this because planning a separation for two years is just a form of cake-eating - keeping you waiting in the background while she goes out and has her adventures. I think she's actually MORE likely to come back if she has to face the reality of divorce and all that would mean.
Again, though, get financial advice as to which would be better for YOU. I've just seen many women (and some men) here financially destroyed by waiting too long and hoping their spouse would come back, while the spouse decimates their finances.
FM, you already got all the advice I wanted to give. I've also seen and heard it all exactly the same from my W, almost word for word.
You sound better than your first message. No one can deny that it is a tough time. You will go through ups and downs. This is part of the process that you will have to go through. When you're feeling down, accept the pain and know that it will not last forever. Breathe and try to focus on something else, but like someone said, take it a minute at a time, then an hour at a time, etc.
Don't make major decisions when you are in such an emotional state. Give yourself some time to think it through.
I repeat what MarvinF said: this is a marathon. It will take time for her to snap out of it, but it will also take time for you to process all of this and to calm down. The emotional cycles between pain and relief (hope and despair) will be more intense and more frequent at the beginning. With time, you will still have ups and downs but they will be more tolerable and you will stay a longer time feeling good. Start detaching and focusing on yourself and your kids.
Keep venting. Anything you write here is ok (you can just read some of the non-sense I sometimes write in my threads).
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I feel in a better place today - calmer and more stable. Thanks for all the advice; I have a clearer picture of the way forward. Steady the ship, do nothing, make no decisions; wait for the storm to pass.
I very much have to take the focus off her and put it back on me and my kids, for my own sake.
I know I can't control her behaviour; she is going to do what she wants for her own journey to happiness and independence;
sjohns6 - I have read your thread and I could have written it myself. Word perfect.
Its comforting to know the journey is similar and I'm not alone.
