Still Moving (Saying ILY Pt 7)

[mtb1981]

Well... everyone says the MR is over when the LBS decides it is. I really think I've reached that point. No matter how much I wanted to make it work, I don't think it's possible. WW is a horrible person. Always has been really. I just tried to look past it, thought I could help/fixher, and stuck with trudging through $hit for years now because I thought it was the noble thing to do. People don't change. And when I say that I mean really change. I know there will be many of you that read this that will disagree and think, "Wait, mtb. Not true. I have changed!" Chances are you haven't. You were always a good person, but you just got off track for awhile and found your way back. You never really changed. On the other side of the coin, there are people like my W. Always $hitty people, but were able to try not to be every once in a while, fooling you in the process. Reality was, they never changed either. Don't get me wrong, I think it's possible for real change to occur, but only for a small percentage of people that put in the REALLY hard work...

That being said, I've reached a point by going through the DB'ing process where I have found myself again. I understand my value as a human being and respect my self worth enough to know what I deserve. And it ain't this. This whole time I've been worried about saving my MR for the kids, because it's the right thing to do, etc. But thanks to the book and this board, I've finally realized this whole thing was about saving myself for the kids, because it's the right thing to do, etc. I'm the only example my kids have in their life right now and I'm doing the best I can to make sure it's a good one. I would never want any of my kids to be in a relationship like the one my W and I had. They deserve better, and I'm going to raise them to understand that and to avoid ending up in a toxic relationship. Several posters on this board (especially Vanilla, thank you) opened my eyes to how abusive my relationship was. And this whole time I though it was my fault. Truth is, I could have been a millionaire supermodel that brought her breakfast in bed while doing backflips, and she still would have treated me like crap and convinced me it was my fault...

Oh, and let's talk about GAL... For any newbies reading this thinking GAL isn't that big of a deal... you're wrong. Two main reasons. 1) It gets your mind off your sitch. I can't tell you how many times I would just sit around feeling sorry for myself and my sitch. GAL allowed me to keep my mind occupied and in the process made it easier to detach and crawl out of the hole of depression. 2) It reminded me what life is supposed to be like. We're supposed to enjoy it, doing things we love with people we like. That no matter what happens in our sitch. Things will be OK and we can still live a happy, productive life...

So I guess my whole point of this post is that I'm done. I feel like I've been sitting in McDonald's eating a Big Mac. Got a few bites in and really liked it. A couple more bites in and I realized it was missing a patty. Halfway through it I found a long, dark hair. That's when I looked up and saw there was a high end steak house across the street and decided I deserved some prime rib. And the thing is, if the Big Mac would have been made right and didn't have hair in it, I would have happily finished it and been happy with my meal. Never even noticed the steakhouse across the street. But I think it's time for me to step out of my booth and leave this burger behind because no matter how hard i try. I'm not going to be able to enjoy the rest of the Big Mac and will end up disappointed if I do try to eat it all (probably end up with food poisoning too) So it's time for me to cross the street and get that prime rib...