Hi everyone, I know it's been a bit since my last update. Just been keeping busy. It's been really nice.
I had S this weekend. We built a shelf together, watched movies, and just had a great time.
Yesterday, I got a text from W asking if I could put her roller blades in S backpack so she could have them for this week when they go to the park. I told her I'd keep my eyes open for them.
After that text, I had a panic attack. I have no idea why that set me off. I guess just her texting me out of the blue for something not related to S just completely caught me off guard. Fortunately, I was able to walk into a different room, pull myself together, and spend more time being happy with S. I'm getting better at it.
This morning, I got S ready to go to the day care (W insists that I drop him off there so she doesn't have to see me...). She texted again and asked if I'd let her know when I drop him off.
So I took S out for breakfast. We ate donuts in the car and got silly singing Beatles songs. S loves the Beatles. Great taste for a 3yo (he'll be 4 in a couple of weeks). After a while, I took him to the day care, he gave me a big hug goodbye, and I left. And yes, the roller blades are in his backpack for W. I drove off, and pulled into a parking lot to take a few minutes to stop being sad about leaving him.
It's not so much the sitch that bothers me anymore. It's having to share time with S. When he's here, we have a LOT of fun! And I get all the ILY's and hugs from him, and it's wonderful! Of course...he also talks about mommy's friends...I learned about two new ones this week. But...it doesn't shock me any more. I don't care what she does, as long as S is okay.
So, after leaving, I texted her as she requested to let her know I had just dropped him off. I also told her that the roller blades were in his bag, along with some of her mail (including her new insurance cards from her job...she seemed very relieved to know that they had arrived when I told her Friday that I had them and would send them home with him). My text was polite, and I stuck to relevant information about S (and the blades/mail), and told her that S was well behaved, and that we had a good weekend. Then I politely ended the convo and told her to have a great day.
And then she texted me again.
She asked if I'd be open to having a face to face conversation this weekend about "some things". She said she still wants to bring a friend with her, just to feel more comfortable.
I agreed to talk to her in person, provided the friend is neutral and we can agree on a neutral location.
As long as the topic is S and his well-being, I'm game. I don't really want to talk about anything else with her right now.
She said that she would figure out a time and place, and let me know tomorrow.
I'm okay with this, provided it's in the best interests of S. I have determined that I'm not interested in playing any games with her. I have stopped talking to her family about the sitch. I don't even talk to mine. I do have a couple of my friends that I know I can vent to, but I have not really needed that very much lately. Every day gets a little bit easier for me, although I still have my hiccups. I know that following the DB plan seems to be, if nothing else, helping me deal with things in a more rational way, giving me space to heal, and to focus on myself and S's needs. And that's a great thing. Even if this doesn't work out. Realistically, it's pretty much done as far as I can tell. And I've come to terms with that.
Meanwhile, I took some of the advice from the board and actually started researching the "healthy male dominance" thing. I'm definitely a work in progress, but I'm also definitely working on that. It's made me consider a lot of aspects of myself that had been lacking. I wasn't always too far off the mark, but at least I have an idea of what I'm doing now.
I'm taking stock of myself. I'm working to be the grown man that I need to be. I'm working to be the dad that my S needs me to be. And with or without W, I will be far better for it.
Anyway, that's my update. Hope you are all doing well!
