Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

I spent a good part of the weekend GALing. After posting here on Friday, I decided to take a half day for myself. I did some shopping and prepared an elaborate dish for a neighborhood party we were attending on Friday evening. W and I used to like to experiment with cooking new foods, particularly ethnic dishes. I have decided to get back into that myself.

Spent some quality time on Saturday and Sunday with my girls. W went out on Saturday afternoon. She didn't say where she was going and I let my imagination run wild. Not a good idea. I didn't sit around the house and pout, though. I took our daughters shopping and visited some friends. While driving from place to place, I passed the OM from W's EA last fall. He was driving to his home. "So that's where W is," I thought. I turned the car around to see if she was going to be coming to our home at the same time. Like that would prove anything. She still wasn't home. I left again with the girls and when we returned W was back home. She could sense that I was tense and asked if something was wrong.

I probably should not have, but I asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no and that she's not in a mental state right now where she could even think about doing that. She said she had been cleaning her new place. She can only do it in small increments because it's so hard on her emotionally. I told her that seeing someone else right now before she moves out would not be OK. It was a civil conversation and I managed to not be emotional about it.

Sunday morning she told me, "At some point today, I'm going to go back over there and clean some more. Is there a time that works for you?" I responded that it doesn't really matter to me because I'm just going to hang with our kids. She said, "OK. Well, I just wanted to tell you so it's not weird when I leave. I hate talking about it, but I wanted you to know."

She hates talking about it, yet she continues to prepare her new home for a move. Does she realize that she is going to have to talk to me about this at some point BEFORE she leaves? We have co-parenting, finances, and property to figure out! And she will have to talk about it with our daughters. And her friends. And her family. Scrambled eggs, I guess.

I waffled throughout the weekend from despair and desperation, to thinking I'm over her and realizing I can get along without her, to wanting desperately to have her back in my arms. She also waffled. From leaving the house for hours to inviting me to go out to dinner on Sunday with her father, sister, and BIL. I also sense her moving closer to me in our bed, but this may very well be my mind playing tricks on me. What a crazy place limbo is.

I did a pretty good job GALing, in addition to the cooking, I spend some QT with the girls at our favorite diner and a water park, and met up with a friend for a beer. Baby steps. I'm trying my hardest not to give up, while also attempting to prepare myself for her to eventually leave.