180man Update

[180Man]

Hey guys,

Most of you probably don't remember me, that's okay. My threads were over a year ago. For some reason this website popped in my brain this morning and I remember when I was at one of my lowest points, I was looking for success stories. Someone on here mentioned that a lot of people never come back, so it's hard to know what happened to their relationship. I figured I'd stop by and give an update.

Summary of my situation: wife cheated on me and couldn't forgive herself, it's been over a year and a half since I last saw her. She took a job in the middle east to punish herself. I stopped trying to reach out a long time ago.

What nobody can tell you when you're going through this is how your future will pan out for you. Even if you think you know what you want, even if you follow all of the great advice floating around here, you never know what will happen. I went on some dates with a co-worker, it didn't work out and I'm actually glad it didn't. She wasn't right for me, but I needed a distraction, I needed something to get me off the broken record of wanting my ex back.

I had a couple of other short relationships after that, both of which ended amicably. It just wasn't right. I had another co-worker (whose soon-to-be ex was abusing her) start to fall for me and as tempting as it was to engage, I had to tell her we couldn't be friends anymore. She made it clear what she wanted, but having gone through the divorce process myself, I told her she needed time to heal, that jumping into another relationship was not a wise idea, and that I really didn't want to be involved in another divorce. One was plenty. Not to mention that I could never cheat with anyone ever, not after what I went through.

Then one day I met someone. We had a little bit of a complicated false start six months prior, but one day I found myself in a relationship with her. The next five months were amazing. I learned a lot. I learned that even though I did a lot of work on myself, there were mistakes I was going to make in a real, committed relationship that I could never have known until I was actually in a real relationship.

Since I viewed my failed marriage as 50% my fault, I over-compensated when it came to this new relationship. I went above and beyond to avoid screwing up. She even told me at one point "stop trying so hard." It wasn't that I was bringing her flowers too often or doing too many dishes....it was that I started worrying about losing someone so great, and it started affecting the relationship. It became unattractive. If I could pay it forward to any of you going through this, this is the one thing I would want you to be aware of. Maybe it's not something you could completely solve, but at least awareness is the first step. Do your best to police yourself from over-doing it, from trying too hard, from trying to fix the past by over-compensating in the present. Worrying about the past or the future is not going to help. Just. Be. Present.

Needless to say, we broke up. She is an extreme introvert, I am a mild extrovert. She is moving and changing jobs. I think we're both scared. We both have feelings for each other, but I believe the logical side of her brain is overriding the emotional side. It's probably not going to work out, but like I said earlier, we never know what will happen in the future, so I will keep the door open and see what happens.

What astounds me after all of this is that I no longer desire to be with my ex. In fact, I don't think I could ever be with her again. I want her to be happy, I want her to forgive herself, I want her to find someone that works for her. I hold no ill will toward her. However, having been through a couple of other relationships since then, and having found someone I really invested myself into -- I can see how looking back at it all that there plenty of people out there with whom I am likely MORE compatible with than my ex.

Anyways, that's all I dropped by to say. Thanks for all of the help and to anyone who's going through the sh!t storm right now, hang in there, it will get better.