DNJ, thank you for that. It gave me a bit to think about. I think you're right...I could shift my thoughts a little and be done with her, but I'm kidding myself if I think that would stick. I'm still back and forth and I know I will be for a little while. I'm getting better, but its a slow process. I am going to work on moving forward while standing still. Its so refreshing to chat with you guys who understand what this is like. I have family and friends that support me, but they don't really understand so there's only so much I can open up to them. Sometimes I read responses and my heart just melts and it feels like a weight is lifted as the realization hits that SOMEONE understands and has been there. Thats how I'm feeling today. Here's why...
W and I agreed to swap the kids week on week off. She moved in to a rent house about a month ago, but most of that time they have been with me. Since her moving out, my head has cleared a little and I've been able to detach a little. I didn't realize how negatively living with her in this condition was affecting me. I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy going out and doing stuff and having a good time, but I MOSTLY enjoy being with my family and enjoying the comfortable home that we work hard for and share. Lately, I hadn't felt comfortable coming home and didn't know what to do with myself once there. Since her moving out, I've been looking forward to coming home again. I mean I don't like the family/marital situation, but at least I can feel comfortable at home again and start to heal a little so I can start moving forward. I thought I was already, but I keep hitting points where I realize that I wasn't but maybe am now. That's happened several time, actually. That, and mostly the kids have been with me which I really enjoy. We recently started swapping them, and its been hard for me being without them. We've grown really close recently. We already were, but we've become even closer. The house is so quiet when they aren't here...
So, this weekend started with the kids leaving for her house. That and the expectation that she has a family reunion next weekend in which she will be taking them...which is a double blow for me. This will be the first family reunion that I will not be going to, and I'm pretty close with her family. That AND that means that I'll actualy be without the kids for a week and a half instead of just a week. So, again, the weekend started with W coming to pick them up. The pickup itself went ok, other than it tearing me up inside watching her drive away with them. I then went to meet her brother (we are still close...I mean I've known them all for 20 years) to go watch a band play. That was fun and helped a lot.
Today I planned on going to one of my friends bday party for his 1 year old. I have known this friend for about 18 years, so him and his wife are close family friends. We don't see them often, but we consider them close friends. So just going to this party by myself without my family was a little sad, but I decided to go anyway and try not to let being solo bug me. When I was getting ready, S called me and said he was going to play volleyball but had left his shoes at my house. He wanted to know if I'd be getting out at all and if maybe I'd meet him so he could get his shoes. Now, before I go on I should say that I have not seen Ws new place. I know the address, but I have not been there. She has not invited me and I really kind of don't want to see it. I just think not having to think about her place and having a visual of it to think about is probably for the best...one less thing to have to get over. Having said that, her place is about 2 blocks away from the bday party I'm about to go to so I offer to just deliver the shoes to her house.
I get there and decide to go ahead and go to the door. As I approach the door I realize that I am about to knock on the door to a house that my family lives in. It feels surreal. I instantly think of how W just comes in when she comes over. I have never thought anything about it as that is how it has always been...her knocking at the door would be weird. But, here I am about to knock on the door. My son answers the door and I step inside. I look around and it feels weird to see some of my furniture/decorations mixed with stuff I haven't seen in a house I've never been to...and a place where at the moment, the rest of my family is living. My son shows me his room. I look around and see all his old stuff, a few new things, and the computer I just built for him. This is MY sons room in this strange house. Then my daughter shows me hers. The feeling is the same. Apparently W is in the shower. I tell the kids I love them and will see them soon and go ahead and leave before W is out of the shower. Then on to the birthday party where I get to explain a couple of times why W and kids aren't with me to a few different people at the party who i haven't seen in a while. I don't give a lot of details other than W has moved out and the kids are with her this weekend. When they ask what happened all I can say is, not sure...she wasn't happy and said she needed to go find herself.
So the visit itself was non eventful, but now I am left with the image of my family living in a cute little house over by the local college. I swear...I'll have some days that I almost feel normal again and can't imagine wanting to go back to her. Then I have other days like today that I just want to crawl in bed and cry like a baby. I don't, but that's what I want to do. I'll be ok...think I just needed to vent a little.
