The house had become a very major issue in our marriage and I've now made massive changes. She came back into the house a few days ago for the first time and genuinely really liked all the changes I've made. It has gone from a place neither of us had wanted to live to looking great. It is a huge transformation.
We had very little support from others for childcare and only had 1 night out in months. W also failed exams she needed as part of her job and blamed me. I had also wrongly assumed her parents knew W had failed and W wasn't happy they found out from me. Everything all went wrong at once from car problems, to appliances failing, to child ill etc. W became an abusive nightmare. It became overwhelming and I packed some things to leave but she wanted me to stay (I realise now that she'd been planning to leave anyway).
I had let myself go for years but I now look far, far better than the me who she left, better than the me who she married. W has noticed the huge change and given me great compliments. She seems jealous of other women taking an interest in me.
Her parents have not wanted us to be together since the day we met. Their life revolves around W and our kids but they don't see them very often as they live far away. They bought a second home locally that they really struggle to afford and now they are all living there together. It was a very easy move for W to make rather than sort out any M issues.
I have no firm evidence that W is having an A but I can't be 100% certain. She would never admit to it if she had. She wouldn't want to hurt me by saying, she wouldn't want people to think bad of her, she thinks I'd never be able to trust her ever again etc.. None of our friends think she is. She worked during the day, hardly ever went out in the evenings, and we spent every weekend together.
W is only just starting to realise that her new life isn't as great as she thought it would be. However, I still expect W to look to get a quick D as soon as her money has been hidden.
Hi David Regarding your friends telling you they dont think W would have an A. If she can hide it from you then she can definetly hide it from them. I had quite a few people I confided In who swore that she would not have an A and said she is not that kind of person. I went to my W Aunty (bad move as it’s her family) She always told me I was paranoid and W would never do that. A close friend of W who was trying to help us get back on track with M promised me that nothing was happening.
Guess what! She was! EA/PA .And she lied to everyone. As a result when she left me she cut off contact with them.
You want to take hope in others words and keep denying it. I obviously cant say for certain your W is. but just be ready for it!
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
W showed signs of A but I have no proof. I'm sure that none of the people we both know have any knowledge of it if that is the case. It would be someone from where W works (small team) or studies (small group) so hardly anyone would know if so.
"Remember most WAWs (not sure about WAHs) have been plotting their escape for two years prior to BD."
I've been thinking that my W might have been doing so on/off for 2 years. 2 years ago to the month her parents bought a house locally and left it empty since then. My Mum has been saying she thinks they bought it so that W could move into it any-time she wants. I recently found out that they had put it up for sale again last year when W & I had a great holiday but then took it off the market again soon after. They were decorating the empty house in the months before W left me, and W had been taking things to the house to store there and taking cash to hide in advance of D.
Her leaving is the biggest wake-up call of my life. I have learned such a lot since we split (and I still have a lot to learn). I hope she will give us a chance.
Today, I'm meeting W who will be with the kids at a certain time and place where there's an open-air event with food stalls etc. Is it better if she arrives first and waits for me?
My plan is to get some food near to the start. I know she would refuse if I offered to get her any (so I won't offer) but she'd might offer to buy me some - not sure if I should accept (i did last time) or say I will buy my own. Think I will buy my own this time.
I expect her to leave the kids with me at some point and for her say 'this is your time to be with the kids not us' (it hurts when she says that but now I'm feeling better prepared to expect it) and for her to then walk off looking at things on her own and talk to our mutual friends. Kids will then get annoyed as they will see her around and want to go over to see her etc.
But yet.. above you reference these changes as the reason you hope she will give you another chance. Which confirms what we all expect you are doing. Which is convincing yourself that if you improve you are going to save your marriage.
The changes you have made are on a surface level. Yes they are changes .. but love and marriage is not about surface level love.
Its a deeper issue based on trust, safety, common goals and compassion.
It seems at this stage.. that you are struggling to understand that these emotions in your marriage have been deteriorating for some time. You wife has most likely checked out on all of the above - so when she sees you making these small changes, she will comment as she sees you makimg the effort - but on a deeper level you are not making a difference.
You are trying to play a game when you dont know the rules.
When people say you need to let them go to rebuild the true foundations of a relationship they mean it. It takes years not weeks of being alone and losing everything to enable you to go through the self reflection and growth needed to be the person you need to be.
I personally cant say anymore on this matter as you seem to believe things are going to change because you feel differently. This isnt the case unfortunately.
As someone who speaks the hundreds of people on this matter and has been through it myself and had a successful ending.. i advise this because its not far wrong.. please listen and try to stop holding onto quick fixes to avoid the pain.
The changes I've made were for my own benefit and for me to become more attractive to the possibility of a new partner and a completely new life.
If W notices enough to help consider giving us a chance then that's a bonus but that wasn't my main intention. I knew I had to make changes regardless. I had started doing them slowly before W left. The split has given me the time and space to do that quicker.
I need some advice about how to handle the situation today. I feel confident when I meet her.