I sure had a lot to catch up on from your threads and you're already on page 6 of this one-whew!
In regards to this crazy-making...I don't think I'm a CM but I'm wondering if there are some other things that can be construed as CM.........for example, my H would go out regularly during the wk while we were together w/clients, friends whatever. Now I thought it was part of his identity and need to be an individual but as we got into this sit, he made comments about it in respect to not really always wanting to be out but not wanting to come home. Could this have been a cry for his CM? I mean, could his going out have been a way for him to try and reach me to show him more love? I told him that at times I could "sense" that he was going to be out on a particular day coz it had been a while or whatever and then he would extend his time out and come home when I was asleep (or pretending). I wouldn't scold him but it didn't make me resent him either. I felt he needed this to relieve stress so I allowed it. I can't recall ever asking him to "not" go out--but I did make those terrible sighing noises on the phone when he would call and tell me he was going out. I guess they sounded like a whine and it made him stay out more or longer. I couldn't win either way.
As for the fighting/shouting...we never did that..we don't really fight..he's always been passive and although I can hold a grudge w/him..I didn't state it aloud but he could read it. (one of the things I've fixed w/DBing)
Next, the black/white standpoint...this is how my H proclaims our sit. He doesn't have control of the M and therefore it is OUT of control (make sense?). I never felt like I was controlling the M; we seem to give and take as far as decisions were concerned but he has pointed out some things that bothered him and I wonder if this is his realization that he was not in control. (i.e. if the kids don't like dinner, he would prefer them to not eat what I made; I on the other hand would make them something different coz I knew they wouldn't like it)
Now, my H has a lot of control at work. He makes the rules up, he's in charge basically. He LOVES his job and as I've said, is a major workaholic. He states that he loves the challenges it brings and every day is new. He is in control of his day to some extent but only to the extent that he decides how long to work and what to control in his workplace, but not at home???? With our M, he could predict? what it would be like that day/night, etc.. Thus, another part of the CM - boredom?
He has mentioned he likes to be spontaneous, I know this. He likes to do new things but in my perspective, we have 3 kids that spontaneity just doesn't/didn't work with. Sure I would love to go to happy hour or a concert or where ever w/him but I chose to allow him to go and I would tend to the home life. So much for giving him his space.
So I ask, was he doing some of this to get my attention? Wanting me to stand up and say, Hey, I want to do that too, next time can we try and get a sitter so we can both do it? Did he do it so I would fight w/him and show him how much I wanted to be w/him? On occasion I would mention I didn't like it but I rarely fought him on it. So, is this part of crazymaking? Could part of the reason he pulled out be that he wants me to STAND up to him? I doubt it coz before DB I cried and begged but you know what happened. Well, any clarity would be helpful. Just wondering if crazymaking has some of these qualities or not. Thanks! Tootles........
