I wasn't going to log in today because I have scheduled a "BLOB-BLAH-BETSEY" day. And the hockey game is on, but since we're up 1-0, I figured I'd stop by for a quick visit.
Let's get the good stuff over with first. I'm now down 19 lbs. and have 14 to go before I'm back to my svelte, Phoebe-like image. I still don't feel well, but what the heck.
Last night went well. I could tell that Mr. Wonderful was a little apprehensive, but since I was effervescent (read: Bob accompanied me), he was loathe to hang out in the unenthusiastic mode.
D10 chose Life. She can be a poor sport, so her dad and I just looked at her and she quipped, "I promise to be a good winner or a good loser." Okay, then. I decided to put on some music, so I put on a real fave of ours: Little River Band. Usually Mr. W. sings along, but this time, he did not.
He won the first game. Then I put on Randy Travis' best hits, saying to D10: This one is for dad. He smiled, but did not sing along to his favorite tunes. Hmmm. I won the second game.
Oddly enough, it was D10 who wanted to quit and to head back to the apartment. Note to me: offer to kick her butt. Everyone was upbeat, though (including me, because it was nice to have my family home on a Friday night--for a change--even for a couple hours). He smiled at me and said, "Great idea! Thanks for asking--it was really fun."
All's well that ends well.
Now I want to address all the great posts since last night. Slowly, you are making some great progress with your Crazymaking steps. Eddy, thanks for visiting. I always enjoy reading your posts to Merrick!
Pam, hope your house full of teenage boys wasn't as nuts as it sounds! I go a little crazy with a house full of 10 year old girls, but to tell you the truth, I love it! The more, the merrier!
Totally, I'm glad you found some pearls for yourself. Let me tell you, there isn't a family member or friend of mine who have not commented on my patience. My picture used to be next to the word IMPATIONECE in the dictionary, and I've surprised everyone by learning it. It was hard, but I'm so much happier now. It's also been a tremendous support in thwarting any desire to be a crazymaker.
I wasn't going to post about my stuff earlier this week, because I didn't want a multitude of people telling me this is a baby step. My reason is that I realize it is NOT a baby step. I KNOW Mr. Wonderful loves me, to the best of his ability. But that might not be enough in the end.
Holding On--the rest of this story is for you, hoping that you can get to this point too. Because for the first time in a really, really long time, I am really, really happy. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
Tuesday afternoon, while the girls were in RE class, I called Mr. Wonderful at the office from my cell in the car. I needed to let him know some financial stuff happening with the foundation and the golf tournament. HE made the segue into a much more personal and emotional conversation.
He cleared his throat and said quietly, "Ah, Bets, has the IRS refund shown up in your checking account yet?" Shocked, I said, "Um, I don't think so. What do you mean?"
MW: "Didn't you see on the form you signed that I had requested the refund go directly to you?"
Me: "No."
MW: "Oh, no wonder you never commented on it. Well, I think it will be showing up any time now. I want to talk about it with you."
Me: Starting to cry. "Why did you do this? I assumed we would talk about this, and I don't want you to go without?"
MW: "Bets, do I look like I'm malnourished or financially strapped? I can tell you that I'm doing fine, and I really think you should get it since you've been keeping us afloat and everything working right. But I will ask you to use some of it for a couple things."
Me: "Thank you. Okay. Like what?"
MW: "Well, if you noticed, there is a contract on the counter to repaint the exterior of the house. It needs it. Launched into all the zillion reasons why we should do this.
Me: "K, don't worry. I KNOW it needs it. I started seeing things that bothered me last year. Okay."
MW: "I also want you to put some of it into the account for the special needs trust. Other than that, the balance is yours to spend as you like."
Me: Tearing up again. "I want to thank you for being generous the entire time we've been separated. It means so much to me that you haven't acted like a prick. And believe me, I know very well that you could have been one."
MW: Choked up himself. "Well, I never wanted to hurt you, Bets. Really. The fact is, YOU could have been a real bitch since this started, and I should be the one to thank you for being so patient and kind."
We ended up talking about other things before hanging up. I realized some very important things at this very moment:
1. Mr. Wonderful loves me to his best ability. 2. It might not be enough, because this is about his willingness to confront his own demons. 3. We will be friends, no matter what path he chooses for himself. 4. Our old R is completely dead. I am NOT sad about this, because it signals the most important aspect of my next item. 5. Our new R from here forward is new. We truly ARE different people now. And I accept that this must happen regardless of his decision.
I know many of you were disheartened at the thought of me forcing him to make a decision. Although I won't send my venting letter, I have issued an ultimatum in the form of three questions. The last one is asking him when I can expect an answer from him on his decision.
Some things must be encouraged in order to heal. Like a pimple. Instead of putting bandaids on it to cover it up, or continuing to lather them with medication, sometimes it's just best to let them erupt and heal, so they can just go away.
That's how I see my own life right now.
And I know that whatever happens, I will be just fine. I don't feel desolate or desperate anymore. Hopeful, for sure, but not expecting. I really believe that this is the best place to be in a process that has been agonizing and filled with anxiety and desperation.
Have a great weekend, friends.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
