Afraid of the dark PART 3

[DB346]

So I have intentionally spent the last couple days alone to nurture my happiness while being alone and with myself. Once I sort of clicked my brain over to accept that there would not be any distractions or reward of seeing other people I started to actually get pretty busy on my own. And was able to breakdown what I am dealing with into discrete areas:
1.) WAW
2.) Self Confidence
3.) Work/Career
4.) Purpose
5.) Anxiety

The first thing which I worked through was the feeling of if WAW would just come back everything would be ok...but what I quickly started to realize is that while everything would be ok now it n would not be fixing my underlying issues (afterall I was depressed the last 3 years and my W was present through that) and it would happen all over again. NOW is the time in my life to really fix this demon once and for all so that I do not end up back here again.

I know that the fear of being alone or lack of loving being with myself stems from childhood abandonment issues and was reinforced by a series of relationships I have had. My WAW is just another in a long line. What this brings up for me is obviously feelings of low self worth, and really chips away at my sense of self confidence. When I magnify this it makes me ask, maybe it actually is me after all if all these people leave me. What am I doing wrong which drives people away? And when I go down this road I keep coming up with the same solutions revolving around confidence but then become overwhelmed by what needs to be done. I have a history of being very lazy and/or overcomplicating everything in my life to be insurmountable and I just freeze in my tracks. I can see that focusing on my purpose and rebuilding my self confidence is key to happiness with or without people, but it can only make me more attractive and maybe stop this constant train of abandonment.

This being stopped in my tracks or crippled and overwhelmed by fear is what really lead to my depression. It is a bit of a chicken and egg but I got unhealthy physically and my job got unhealthy emotionally (throw in a dash of bereavement) and I just spiraled down and got stuck. And once stuck at the bottom a whole host of new problems arose piling up over me. When all I needed to do to get unstuck was workout, eat right and get a new job. The job thing became a huge issue as I was being pushed so hard to be on a career path (especially as W had a very successful career) when my purpose in life was elsewhere and I just needed a job to stay sane and career be damned. The whole notion of striving or that my identity was tied into my work is where I really got off track in my head. MY identity is in music and art and though they don't pay all too well they are who I am just need to make some quick cash on the side to fuel my passion. I guess what I am saying is I need to learn detachment from career aspirations ha.

In addition, I spent some time reading about Autophobia (closely akin to Agoraphobia) and the line about fear of "losing one's mind" really stuck. I have had a few traumatic instances in the last decade due to low blood sugar combined with anxiety which have made me feel that way. This is the main fear I have of being alone. So what this all means to me is that dealing with my underlying anxiety is the key (oh and remembering to eat and healthy). I think I have become a bit flippant about my anxiety because it lowered from its peak 6 months ago but I need to stay mindful of it as it is the root cause of all my suffering. When I do a quick gratitude inventory and look around I am actually OK and safe in the moment and should just be able to relax but the anxiety is just sitting there keeping me keyed up and scatter brained.

What I also started to unpack was a new set of goals for myself.
1.) Actively deal with my anxiety through research and putting into practice anxiety reducing techniques.
2.) Get a part time job in order to lessen idle time stuck in anxiety inducing thought, and help me rebuild confidence. ie. Apply everyday to as many positions as possible eventually someone will reply.
3.) Continue making steps to create my own retail business, this one is hard as it is dependent on finding the right space at the right price point which moves it away from me but I can look everyday at new listings and make calls.
4.) Bring to completion a half dozen creative projects hanging over my head which just need some time on task, the completion of these will help build my confidence back and create purpose. Start by making an itemized check list of things to be done and work my way through it.
5.) Quit Smoking in order to reduce anxiety (this one is real scary) First step is make a plan on how to do this, in addition to

Steve,

Other than the music part of this, I feel like I almost could have written this exact post. Even the timeline is similar. Thank you for sharing and helping me get some more perspective.