Thanks for the insight about the c-maker H. He is more subtle than many of the stories here (though they describe my MIL very well!). And until the bomb, my method was to offer solutions or support H in the situations he created. C-making was in the other world, not in our M. It was more a form of sabotage, afraid of succeeding so creating the drama to stir things up, equalize them down to his comfort zone. This is my take, one with which he might well disagree.
I'm not suggesting my H doesn't want to be happy. Oh! He does. He just doesn't seem to know what will give him that feeling... and by that I mean the what inside him.
I've done things differently. Initially, I went full-on in engaging him. Then as things got more settled, I settled in. Got used to it. Disengaged sometimes.
Now... here is the part where I dispense with the gender myths. My H just wanted to be SEEN, HEARD, & UNDERSTOOD. All his life. Not just in our M, but before, during and in this weird place we're now in, too. He hates to be ignored. And so do I. Walking away is the worst thing in the world to me... to my H, I suspect (but do not know) that it is a coping mechanism he uses when he feels he's being ignored, not heard, not getting through.
It's not a W thing. We ALL want these things!
Like Merrick, I gave it and it was thrown back in my face more often than not. So then I tried something different. Each one worked for a while. Then it didn't work anymore. This is when I realized that H doesn't know where he stands or why, and try as I might, I can't make him know those things, only give a subtle influence here and there. Make him think. His conclusions are his own.
So... then I wonder, what is the response that will bring us closer together? It does seem to be a moving target. He thinks my changes are great. Then I wonder, is making a moving target part of c-making behavior?
Merrick, do you think your W is AFRAID that her M could work, and that will require a lot of face-saving and backtracking from all of what she's been saying and doing? Just a thought I had.
