Advice on my Scenario Pt. 19 - Valhalla Cometh

[Fogg]

Hello OrangeK, Ill start by admitting I don't know your full history, what I say is my opinion and initial observation on this full thread. Take them as you wish, I only post them in the hopes they help.

Your original comment offered nothing but a personal insult. No advice, or anything valuable.

So that being said, comment on my thread all you'd like.
Dont get offended when i dont acknowledge what you have to say.

thats all.

(The above quote was referencing a post by Mach1)

I think Steve/Mach1 have both tried to point you to something you continue to talk around and get highly defensive against. Sure, the method may be very direct and blunt but that doesn't mean theres no value or truth hidden inside. Could you go back read your posts to these individuals and try to look at the situation from their perspective? Why do you think those comments would be said? While I cant say I know your whole story just reading from the beginning of this thread I've noticed several times someone "hits a nerve", triggering your need to attack and pick apart everything they've said and then dismiss a big part of the message as useless. That's not to say we don't have our moments, we're all human, but is it possible this is something you may no be aware of and an area to grow in? This is just my observation of course, but I don't seem to be the first to make the comment, so maybe you should ask yourself whyt? Your go argument in those instances is picking apart the assumptions someone else has made and glossing over the main point they're trying to show you. People are here to help you, as I assume you realize. If you haven't done so, could it be useful to take more time before responding to these posts that seem to irritate you and try to reframe the thoughts before reacting? Just sit with the uncomfortable feelings, whatever they may be, they don't have to define you by reacting.

Something else to consider, as far as mindreading and making assumptions, you seem to do it frequently with your W and her thoughts, actions, motivations, ect. So why are you so defensive when someone else does it to you?

I plan on presenting this as an option, but she doesnt respect boundaries. I asked for EMAIL only about 2 weeks ago, she just kept on texting, when i brought it up a 2nd time, she didnt respond to it, just keeps on texting.

If you want to set a boundary you have to enforce it. Although I'm not sure email only would be the best boundary in this situation, maybe contact only involving logistics would. Email along may also not be practical, but lets say it was the best form for you situation, don't you think you should be using it then? Did you not probe for info regarding where S was not long ago? Or ask about his day, either way, it was through texting and not email.

Right, i should have clarified that.
Im using her reactions simply as a guage that it is working, NC is for me to heal.

No, just no. If NC is for you to heal, it has absolutely nothing to do with her reactions. Its YOUR reactions you should be focusing on. NC is about getting your mind off what shes doing and getting it on you and what you need to be doing

I feel like a [censored] failure in all regards. Im codependent wimpy ass with no damn self control. Im her bitch and she knows it. I need ic asap. I hope she dies.

Get rid of this negative self talk now, its pure poison. There will always be areas you fail and areas you can grow in. The challenge is accepting those with humility, realizing you're human and looking at the next step you can talk to grow. This talk of self talk is a self fulfilling prophecy.

Do you need ic? No, you don't NEED IC. Need is another word that puts you in the wrong mindset. Yes, it would be very beneficial for you to choose to find an IC. The right one can really help you work through issues. Have you looked into one? Whats stopping you? No shame in it, I went to one for a year or two after my W left me, he was great.

The anger holds onto me. Ive tried to let it go. It wont let me go.

Have you tried to let it go? How specifically? Anger is a secondary emotion, protecting the person from a primary one. Maybe something to explore there. Wouldn't an IC be great for that?

Now I think you have huge potential and from what I can see you have a bit of a following and people that obviously care about you.

Try to reframe your thoughts as best you can, stop analyzing what your W is doing or thinking. Focus on you and where you want to go next. As for the dropping the rope and detaching, stop trying so hard. Have you ever tried to force yourself to go to sleep? The more you try to control it, chase it and think about it, the further out of reach it becomes. Instead think of where you want to go and how you can fill your life with passion. Its not about forgetting your W, its about finding you.


Also, start a new thread