I was going to say, "Yes! Definitely!!" I guess from my POV, it helps when h just listens calmly w/o getting defensive. If your w indicates that she does not want a hug and to hear it will be ok, perhaps (like the example in the book about the depressed h), she just wants to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. I realize that you will never understand hormones, etc., but just to feel validated is sometimes what I feel like screaming for.

H really started to not let the fights get out of control. He would not react. (He hates to fight too). My shrinkologist told him to say, "you are being irrational," but I didn't think that helped very much.

Sounds like your w is very confused and does not know what she wants. Sorry, I don't know your sitch, so I don't want to jump to conclusions, but what HAS she asked for? What has she complained about not getting, etc?

Walking away to me is the WORST thing my h could do (that just reinforces the fear of abandonment and would REALLY REALLY make me freak out.) Perhaps if you can say something like, "i see that you are upset. If you can *fill in the blank-de-escalate*, I will talk with you. If not, then I think we need to separate for a little while so you can *chill* PC: sort out what you are thinking/feeling." If I hear, "calm down," I only get more infuriated.

But, sometimes h can ask me, "don't you think you are being irrational/making this a bigger deal than it is?" and I can calm MYSELF down and say yes and *try* to be more rational. (But, this took us a long time!!) slowly, slowly, keep swimming, keep swimming...

karen812