For years, when W got this way, I tried to reassure her that everything was okay and give her a hug. She replied, "That's not what I need and push me away!!!!" When I got assertive with the kids to relive pressure, she said I was too harsh. She might say she was sorry later, it was the stress of the day, PMS, hormones, whatever. Unfortunately, after a while, I just gave up. Rather then walk away, I accepted this as my fate in life and hoped it would get better once the kids were older and she got back into the workforce. I focussed onother things.
She got very angry at me--thinking that I have the perfect life (literally her words) and that I would finally appreciate her when she left. But I always appreciated her--I just didn't show it the way she needed or wanted. THAT is why OM was able to come in--and now she is struggling with with the guilt of that situation and the judgment it leads to.
What she really needs from me is to feel safe--and sadly, a Sep or D with my leaving causes this R to be adversarial then I want to. Right now, my intermittant threats are the number one thing I need to avoid--but I feel I have been put in a box. This is the heart my longstanding ambivalence on separation. Right now, I think the only thing that could make her feel safe are my actions. I think this is why Laurie says it is better for me to walk away than to engage--if I can do it an a way that says I don't want to hurt you.
Oops, sorry to steal your thread Betsy. Maybe I'll start my own new one: Coping with a LIWAW Crazymaker!
