Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Mach1]

Mach, you are right that we don't want to make choices based on fear, but neither do we want to make them based on bitterness or some sense of revenge -- e.g., you think just because you came home I am gonna share your interests? this also runs the risk of becoming an attempt to influence her -- e.g., I will give her a taste of how that feels and then she'll realize what she did to me and repent of it.

I think Gordie's M is a slightly different place now than earlier in the MLC and I totally understand why he wants to make his W feel safe and welcomed and to know that he is standing for the M. I think that's wonderful that he is able to work on his husbanding skills even when he get none of the love back from his W, that's some godly stuff there and will lead to the most peace when coupled with continued detachment, no matter what the W does.

But I do think Mach is right that we have to be very careful about not being guided by fear, ever, but only what will help us heal, make us whole, no matter what our spouses do. Lately I have felt that you, Gordie, seem a little more wounded. I think that's natural and normal and I hope you will be able to see that when it comes, lay it at God's feet, and lean harder on God to give you full courage, strength, peace.

My concern is Gordies emotional welfare...

None of this, except the parts where he is living HIS life on his own terms (as of late), are giving him the emotional well being, or peace, that he has worked hard for...

So is it worth it, to sell himself for the sake of the defunct marriage ???

Anything for the future would have to begin anew...

I don't know that answer to that, only Gordie does.

But looking at both sides allows him to make an accurate decision about his future...

[Gordie]

Wow guys thank you for the thoughtful comments

Really feel like you guys care which means a lot

And the fact that you have different perspectives is awesome

But want to particularly respond to DNJ and Mach1




DNJ great reminder of where I am now vs where I was

It has been a long two years

And yes a big change from w wanting me out of her life

And the depths of my own personal hell

Are we building something new or not

Only time will tell

So better to enjoy the moment

And doing things with her I have no interest in just to be with her is the right attitude

I had not thought of the LBS process of doing all these things to protect and heal self

That at some point you have to unwind if you can ever get to reconciliation

But how you do that with hope and no expectation or timelines

Yes I used to do things I did not like to be with her

And she did the same for me

And when rewriting history she always did what I wanted and I never did what she wanted

But I know that is not true

So I am going to do one of her activities with her this weekend

I can only control me and I choose to do this

I cannot control her and how this will affect her positively or negatively



And Mach1 damn right I still have fear

Fear of doing the wrong thing

Scaring the squirrel away

Fear of opening my heart and getting hurt all over again if she runs away again

Just like Cali experienced

But you are right that she already did the worst she can do

So why do I still have fear

Because I still love her and and want this to work out

For love to be mutual again

For the family to stay together

And yes I am afraid it may not

You are my favorite provocateur

Because I know you care

We will meet in person one day

And I promise I am not the 98 pound emotional weakling you think I am

[Mach1]

And I promise I am not the 98 pound emotional weakling you think I am

You back up to 105 ???

Look buddy...

What I want for you...

I want you to live your life on your terms, facing your fears and having them work in your favor, rather than against you...

I want you to be able to MAKE choices, not forced to live within the parameters of other people's choices....


I don't think that you are weak...

I don't think that you have zero conviction...

I do not doubt that you love her....

I do, however, smell the fear from where I sit now....

And I want you to see both sides, before you choose...

Fair enough ???

[Gordie]

Stop kicking sand in my face or I will tell on you

More than fair

I love when you smell the fear

I am blind to it

Like a certain emperor with no clothes

[bttrfly]

Gordie, you're in great hands. There's nothing really to add except two things.

First, I started setting intentions at New Year's rather than making resolutions. Did that for the first time in 2015. It was unreal in that every single intention came into being before the end of the year, and not in any way I would have predicted (ex. one of them was to support my husband in whatever ways he needed me to --- BD happened 4/6, I didn't contest, fight or anything like that, just responded with as much loving kindness and compassion as I could muster). So, this year there was only one intention: that on 12/31/18 I look back and see that the bulk of my decisions for 2018 were made coming from a place of love, not fear.

I wish that for you also - that your decisions be made out of a place of love rather than a place of fear.

Secondly, I think all LBS are suffering from a certain measure of PTSD, particularly strong for those still living with the MLCr. Let's face it, the MLCr usually puts their family through the wringer before they BD. If they stick around post BD, it's just more of the roller coaster that mirrors their inner turmoil. Hard not to be affected. Hard to keep reminding yourself that you will be okay no matter what. You will, you know - be ok, no matter how this turns out. Just wanted to remind you of that.

My Reiki teacher sent me something that has really helped me lately. The Reiki precepts talk about keeping things in the day and not being angry because usually when we are angry it is about something that happened in the past. We cannot change the past. Continuing to be angry robs us of our present. The precepts also talk about not being worried, because when we worry we are in fear of the future. Again, we are robbing ourselves of the present. By being grateful, we remain in the present and can open ourselves to being compassionate towards ourselves and others.

I hope this helps, although I think you're doing better than you think you are xoxoxo

[Gordie]

Butterfly

You always help

How to act now in love not fear

Fear not



Love is patient and kind and does not envy and is not proud and does not boast

It does not dishonor others is not self seeking is not easily angered and keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth

It always protects always trusts always hopes always perseveres

Love never fails



Yes we read that at our wedding

[Gordie]

So w initiated a R discussion for the first time since January

1 she no longer feels trapped and feels like she can be who she wants to be and likes how I have changed in this regard and I should have always been like this

2 she now enjoys the time she spends with me not too much and not too little maybe she wants more but does not want to commit to that

3 she feel like I still love the kids more than her and supports them and their interests in a sacrificial way that I have never doene for her

4 she feels like I will never love her the way she wants to be loved and that she should just accept that I have always de prioritized her and I always will and she should just accept that as her reality

I tried really hard to just listen and validate and not defend or counter attack

And then she gave me a hug and said goodnight

[MarvinF]

HI Gordie:

Well it definitely sounds like movement in the right direction, but I am sure as you already know this is all again about her, and how "you" won't be good enough. I have heard a lot of the same from my wife since BD, I know you are much further down the path. But she is nowhere near baked yet.

But positive still and many kudos for your ability to listen, say nothing, and not just SCREAM!

[job]

Gordie,

Continue as you have been. She is at least recognizing the changes that you have made (I hope that those changes were for you and you are happy w/them and not just changes to make her change her mind). The changes will now need to be permanent fixtures in your life.

Your w is still looking for someone to fall over, kiss her feet and make her number one and yes, put her up on a pedestal. Listen, no matter how hard you try, she is going to continue to find fault in one area or another. That's why it's important to continue as you have been and not jump through hoops playing the "pick me dance/I can change and make you happy, just tell me what to do dance".

When she talks, continue to listen and validate her. If she says something that you know isn't quite right, just say "w, I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it. She's still not figured out that happiness comes from within and not from external sources. It's not your job to make her happy and to love herself...she has to do that.

Keep the focus on you and your children. She's still a work in progress.

[AndrewP]

^^^ What job said - #TeamGordie