Can I really do this #4

[Dtrmned]

Hi, my name is JS and I am in bad place today.

Examining the scenario, me stepping forward and moving things ahead seems to be a clearer and clearer decision. I am greatly struggling with this all night and today. I am not going to do anything other than give it the weekend and see what happens. I can only control me.

I got home, got ready and did my run yesterday. I came home and put my shoes back in the closet. W was coming down the stairs (and I found out later, since I was in the closet putting up my shoes, she thought I was going through her purse). (I didn't and wouldn't). I asked to speak to her and informed her I had a job offer today. Job is a good career opportunity but my concern is the time involved may be more than I can give. I quickly pointed out to her than I was just keeping her informed of the offer, and that even though it seemed like I solicited advice, that it was my decision and I just wanted to keep her in the loop. I did comment that this would be the first time I have made a decision like this without her input in 20 years! She agreed that it was a little weird. We started talking about our D her privledges back soon and how we were going to handle that. We spoke briefly about my rebuilding my relationship with our D. It was a decent conversation back and forth. It did get a little escalated when I commented on how her own actions are showing a bad example to our D. She asked what I meant and I just replied that when things got tough in our marriage, that her response is to leave the person she loves and abandon that relationship. Not a very good overall example on values and relationships. I wasn't trying to dig at her, but did want to point out this as an obvious oxymoron. "you have to have a relationship with your father" "Why" - D might ask "You don't want one". We discussed a little about how the D will affect our children. Best example I can bring up is she is still reeling over her parents divorce 30 years ago! Her denial of this and how it would affect our kids is mind boggling to me. I understand she has to justify. She mentioned a few times about our MR. She mentioned that she likes the "new" me, but is just waiting for the angry guy back. I told her I understand her frustration and apprehension. I also let her know that that angry guy is gone. He is not coming back. She said she hopes so because it costs us our MR and she doesn't want to see it cost my D. She was wanting to fight. I resisted and we did talk for awhile. We didn't talk about our MR other than she tried to rewrite history again and I corrected her. She tried to emphasize her "victim" role in this and I called her on that and we both need to own our part in the MR and the mistakes we made. Neither of us is to blame. If we choose to D, then that is what happens. If we choose to work on our MR, then that is what happens. She of course said it was too late for that. I merely stated that I was talking that happiness is a choice and you choose whom to be happy with. I choose my family. She really wants to tell our S quickly. She wants to give him time to process this prior to his starting school in a few weeks. I just don't want to break his innocence. Thoughts on this?

Other issue related to telling my S along with values, morals, relationships, parenting, etc. I am thinking of telling my W if she wants to tell our S, then she needs to move to the guestroom. That it would be inappropriate to let them know it is acceptable to sleep with someone other than your spouse. I am struggling with this now even with our D who knows this is my W's choice (she heard some arguments) that I love her and would do anything. So my W is sleeping in the same bed as someone she doesn't want to be with. My D knows there is a spare room. How can this not affect her with how she views relationships and what is acceptable? Should I ask her to do this? The two are not totally dependent on one another, but I am at a tipping point where I an contemplating whether I should trigger this or not. Knowing my W. Without her actually experiencing what life is without me (it may be wonderful, I don't know) I don't think she will realize how hard of a world it is out there. She is a strong woman, but hasn't had to worry about anything for 20 years. Add in the health issues, a job, and 2 kids, and it will be tough no matter who you are. It is going to be tough on me as well. Hence my concern on the job whether to take it or not with the time. Not that my kids can't do more than they are, but trying to make sure I am there for them. Its not about overall money, it is about time and quality. W wasn't too interested in hearing that. Said no one is going anywhere for a few month so take it and go if it is a good opportunity. She commented that me being gone more right now would not be a bad thing. I didn't take the bait.

It was a long conversation. No one yelled. I called her on the carpet a few times, regarding relationships mentioned above, and she tried a couple of times to rewrite history. I pointed out that my recollection of the events were vastly different. I didn't pursue. I validated. I ended the conversation as well.

She was rather cold the rest of the evening and said she was just going upstairs to read. OK. I came up a few hours later for bed and as I was crawling in she asked if I had found what I was looking for. It took me a few questions for her to accuse me of going through her purse. Now, My W and I have been together over 20 years. She has a lot of purses. I know where she keeps the ones she is cycling through right now as well as her other currents and where she keeps her not being used now bags. We do not go anywhere together any more. We have not been in a vehicle together since Mother's Day. I truly couldn't tell you which one of her current ones she is using. I have seen her switch them so many times over the years and I have never violated her privacy by doing that to her. Why would she think I would do that? Was it just bad timing? Was it that she wanted to find something to fight about? Did she want me to go off? Were her comments during the conversation escalated by her thinking I had just done that?

I responded back after we determined that going through her purse was what she thought I had done that I had not. She got up to check on our S and commented that I sure didn't deny it much. When she returned, I re-iterated that I didn't even know what purse she is currently using. That I did not go through her purse. I am respecting her request for space and would not violate her privacy. I commented that there was a charge recently through our joint account on her debit card. All of the transactions through our joint account are from merchants and stores that we both know. This was different. I wasn't snooping but I checked the merchant through google and found it was a scam. I struggled telling her this as I feared she would see it as that I was trying to snoop and control her. Not the issue. If I had pulled up the merchant and it was just a regular purchase that she had made I would move on. She said that we were both paranoid. I just commented again that I was just putting my shoes and hat in the closet. She said OK, I don't know if I believe you. I said good night and we went to sleep. Up early of course. W got up early again as well, but after me. When I left for work she seemed to still be a pretty icy and cold towards me.

Nearing the end of the week, I always feel something is coming. I wasn't disappointed.
Thoughts on this?
Should I just pull the trigger, let her experience life without me since this may be our only chance as I see it?
How do I handle the value/morality questions about our MR with our children?
Do I take the job?

Struggling this morning feeling a little hopeless on the sitch and it leaning way more towards D at least what I am seeing as the only option of moving us all forward. Together or not.

Again, not making any rash decisions (don't know if W will or not) so please respond and let me know what you guys think!!!