I crazymake when I am feeling insecure, sad, lonely, bored, or unimportant. I generally do it only with my husband...although I have been known to indulge ina milder form in very close friendships.
Big trigger times for me are times when I know I am not going to be spending much time with my H, or times when he is busy and can't pay attention to me. Or anytime I let myself think about the past and what he could be doing.
Fear is a big trigger emotion for me. My crazymaking comes from growing up around my Dad - I spent a lot of time and effort trying to win his love, and never quite making it. There was always something or someone more important to him. One example: I remember if I tried to talk to him while he was watching TV, he would just turn it up until I was drowned out - no acknowledgement at all. And when I moved out to live on campus during my freshman year, he simply stopped talking to me. No phone calls, no visits, and only disapproval when I was home. My whole childhood was structured around making my Dad happy, and currying favor with him, and all of a sudden he was gone from my life. I almost felt as if I didn't exist. Enter my first college relationship, and the true beginning of my crazymaking. If I made a lot of noise (drama), I could feel like I was a real person who mattered again, instead of just a rejected and unwanted daughter. That's where my crazymaking comes from - a misguided attempt to establish a self, and to feel "real."
Step 3: What is step 3? Anyone? I think the more structure we give these steps (as hokey as it may sound) the more we can help ourselves and other fellow crazymakers. We can beat this!
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Myrrh--Great job! Well, these aren't exactly the steps of a 12 step program, but you get the idea just by starting where you did.
Personally, I think the next "step" should be to list out some common "setups"--that is, recurring situations that result in this behavior. See if you can't strategize how to avoid the pitfalls of the situations you KNOW happen and continue to happen.
What do you think?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And what would an example of 3 be? My h wants to go out with his friends. In our eyes, it SEEMS that he doesn't want to be w/us/would rather be w/his friends/etc. However, what it IS is the NORMAL need to want to have a little independence & individuality from your spouse/wanting to be with friends/wanting to be able to let it all hang out b/c when they are around us, they have to walk on eggshells!!
My childhood sitch is similar to Myrrhs. My dad was very aggressive/violent/loud/verbal/nasty. I never knew when he was going to be mad. So, I would run around like a chicken w/my head cut off trying to "please" him and trying to be a most "agreeable" child. So, one day something would work, the next day it wouldn't. Go figure. Poor little girl just doesn't know what to do!
Furthermore, my mom instilled in my head that ALL men are @ssholes, and not to be trusted, that I must be happy-go-lucky at ALL times for a man to want to be around me, to put out to get "attention/affection/love/guys to want me," and that petite w/big boobs is the body type that ALL men want. (I'm 5'11" 140#, with a B!!)
So, I've gotten it from all directions.
Yes, I want to c-make, so I feel noticed, get attn, feel real, feel loved. But, it is such an oxymoron. AND, numty tells me that he WILL give me what i want if i QUIT crazymaking, and have some PATIENCE in him.
what gives? what will it take for me to GIVE IT UP??? I've got enough insight to fill a dump-truck, but what good does it do me, b/c the end result is that I have not been changing my BEHAVIOR very well and have driven a serious wedge in my r with the greatest person I have ever known! He's my frickin' pillar of strength.
Ok, bringing tears to my eyes, gotta stop. love you. karen812
This conversation is fascinating to me. Thanks so much for having it here.
But I have a question: how does one best respond to a crazymaking S?
What would be the response you'd want, not the one that reinforces the c-making, but the other one? I'm not the S who does that, I'm the one who's really confused by the c-making behaviors.
Quote: My dad was very aggressive/violent/loud/verbal/nasty. I never knew when he was going to be mad.
Mine too. My response was to take myself out of the situation and not really have a R with dad. But I was also the "favored" kid. It's really interesting to me to hear how other "girls" responded to that situation. Thanks for talking about it.
We didn't mean to reduce you to tears with this stuff!
I see a fallacy I just want to point out, for old times sake.
Just because someone tells you something does not make it true. Just ask any guy here if they agree with what your mom told you was reality...
My brother prefers Asian women, Mr. W. prefers tall leggy brunettes (wow, that's me!), and my colleague prefers short, cute guys. Uh oh! What does that do to your theory????? That attraction is individual and cerebral and not at all what your mom told you was true?
I think you have just got a foundation that is based on what other people have told you is important and made those values your own.
Karen, do you see how confusing this is?
If you were to write your own epitaph, what would you be saying? What would you want it to say? Then write the steps down to get there.
I used to be the queen of negative self talk. It sucks! Even worse? Nobody around me believed what trash I told myself was true... so that makes me a liar, doesn't it? And definitely a fool.
You know what it took to get me to stop telling myself crappy stuff? I had to put a note on my vanity mirror that said something nice each day. Like "Betsey, you are pretty." OR "Betsey, you're a good friend." OR "Betsey, you are intelligent." And sad to say, it had to begin with my college roommate, who was the first one to put notes to me on our mirror so that I would begin to believe them.
She lives an hour from me, and has a developmentally disabled son a little younger than D7... and I love her more than you will ever know for being brave enough to make me work for this, Karen.
Now I've been guilty of screwing up that process now and again, but for the most part, I like who I see in the mirror every morning. That lady who looks back at me has integrity, virtue, and a whole lot of other good stuff that I'm proud of.
It's tough, it really is. But I don't want my D10 growing up having to do the same damn homework I did. IT SUCKS!
Karen, I'm sure everyone here is sick of hearing about me dictating goals and lists. But you know what? They work for me. I have to see things in black and white so I have a plan to follow. If I put, "Betsey, stop and think before talking", you can bet your mortgage I'm going to pay attention to that note.
So, pick something to start doing or stop doing today. And put yellow stickies all around you until it becomes a habit. BTW, my vanity mirror was covered with those doggone things until I internalized them. I thank God for giving me a wonderful friend who walked every step of that journey with me. Now I get to pay her back by walking with her on her own with her son.
Go get 'em!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oddly enough, this is how I met Trish (Cycler). Her H is a crazymaker, and we managed to help each other.
I know she still lurks, so I'll ask her to jump in. Until she does, I'll give you a synopsis of things that she did that worked.
When he tried to engage her in his attempts, she would shut him down... by responding rather than reacting, and doing the total opposite of what she did before that invited her to play out his drama du jour.
Pretty soon, his attempts were being thwarted by not giving him what he wanted. If the other person is not joining in the drama, pretty soon the drama fizzles out. Just consider yourself a firefighter, walking around constantly with a pail of water, broom and dustpan....
Trish, where the heck are you?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow a lot of talk about crazymakers just when I need it.
I'm a crazy maker for many reasons.Mostly to get attention.And lets just admit it makeup sex is great.Not that regular wasn't.
I would pick a a fight over the smallest thing.My husband used to come in from work and eat dinner then fall asleep on the couch until the middle of the night.(except when I was ranting and raving.I felt like the only way I could get attention was to be screaming look at me look at me until he couldn't help but see me.I flet invisable when he was asleep or watching nascar (hate It) .
For a very long time I was not very important in his life and I was just trying to get his attention.
So i was doing what ever it took to get him to see me.
Well look at what it got me.He is looking at another and he won't even take my phone calls.
I may never fix this since this woman is a soft spoken woman and I will never be that.
But I can say I have learned a life lesson.
I'm just not sure how to go about not pulling these stunts now.
But I vow to never do it again.
Later Friends. Briget
( I got the friend thing from Bill Cosby when his son was killed.I thought it was a nice way to remind a friend they were a friend.)
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
