Thread #6: Piecing and R.....plus parenting a 15yo

[SteveLW]

Mach thanks! I will reread your lastest post over a couple of times. Some really good, thought provoking things in there.

Interesting you talk about falling into old patterns. One of my big 180s was when she asked me to do a household chore that I didn't get passive-aggressive about. Prior to BD I would sigh heavily or make some demonstrative body language move to show her I was displeased with her request, as I went to do it.

Last night at the old house I did some long over due tree trimming. I then burned two brush piles that had built up over a long period of time (maybe as much as 3 years!).

Got home about 12:30am....exhausted. Sore. Stiff. I hadn't even eaten dinner (crouton I grabbed a bowl of cereal!). As I was walking to the kitchen she asked if I could do her a favor and switch the darks to from the washer to the dryer. I didn't feel like doing it, at all. I said in a very unmotivated way: "I guess". She said, "I guess? Never mind I'll do it." I said no, that I would and went and did it before getting my bowl of cereal.

That was the old Steve, in a moment of stress and fatigue letting down his guard and coming to the foreground, just like you warn about in your post. I then went in and told her I was sorry for answering the way I did......that it was just the pain and fatigue talking. It felt like a setback. Like you just said......she still doesn't trust the changes. Though I have been consistent for the last 8 months with my 180s, 8 months is a drop in the bucket for 21 years plus of history.

sandi's rule #37 is to not slip up and undo the hard earned changes. And while I think one incident didn't undo 8 months, it still did some damage. And now I need to get back up and start working again.

IF.....you had a page on a large social media site, that had your posting name, and DB last name....

That might be superfly cool...jus sayin

Not sure what you mean. I am not a huge fan of social media. Are you suggesting that I create a FB account so others from the board could interact with me? (I don't think discussing this is breaking any rules, but if it is Cadet, feel free to edit this post.)

Oh, and on the quote above. Yes, you are right. I slip back into Mr. Fixit for her sometimes. And you are right to call that out. I should have validated her feeling. Listened. Instead of offering a fix that both of us knew wasn't going to happen. (Though she did suggest that we might could make some money on the new place since we did get a pretty good deal on it.)

One of the 180s post BD was that when she got sentimental like this that I didn't tease her about it. That's what I did in the past. So I need to work on validating, not fixing! Teasing is bad, but trying to fix it, as you say, slips back into the parental role I had before that started to drive her away.

Thanks Mach. Even though things are progressing here, it is good to take stock. Thanks for pointing this out to me. One of the things I've learned is that we NEVER stop growing and learning. Especially in a MR. The minute you think you know everything, and have a handle on everything is the minute you start to get complacent......and the dominoes start to fall.