Thanks Benito. we will be together in about an hour at a school event.
Should I sit next to her?
Should I leave before her?
Putting aside the turmoil you are going through, because I know it hurts.. so I totally sympathise with you.
But in reality you are asking strangers on the the internet on what you should be saying and doing to your OWN wife of 25 years!
There is difference asking for some advice such as "should I send D paperwork back" etc.. as to asking "should I offer her a taste of this food I have cooked?", "should she sit next to me?" etc..
What do you think? its your wife! you tell us.
The reason your flapping a bit, is because you dont know THIS version of her, so want some advise and that is fair enough. BUT... as I said at the very beginning.. you are asking this advice to try and make the situation better and turn her around. At this point it shouldn't matter she has gone. You need to turn your attention inwards... totally inwards and do what feels correct for you.. NOT a display of "look at me I have changed" for her benefit.
I have been through this myself. Wanted to kill myself and spent thousands on councillors and alot more
My very best friend is going through the same now and the patterns are nearly exactly the same in each case.
You have grown so much in a husband and father role - that you dont even know who you are anymore.
When you first met your wife did you come on the internet asking for advice on how to make her laugh/smile? No you didn't because it was probably natural.
Your current situation now is unnatural and awkward because its turned into a business deal with none of that happy romance anymore - the only way you are going to get that back is being honest with yourself about the gravity of your situation.
Most people are here to avoid the pain of being alone rather than man up and go though the painful journey of rebuilding ourselves from scratch - which is hard and painful - but it can be done.
I have a WAW that came back and explained all this to me. I remember buying her flowers and random bits of affection - and it did not make one bit of difference - It turned her stomach. Everything you think is right is probably wrong as she wants you out of her life. So the ONLY way forward.. is controlling the ONLY thing you have available to you and that is you. Not her.
Stop holding onto hope (at the moment) as its going to be your undoing. Your behaviour and actions at the moment are being interpreted by her in a totally different way than you will ever believe.
She needs space space space and you need you you you
I just got back... We did a polite joke at first. I noticed that she couldn't look me in the eyes at all. I thought it was because she wanted to hide that she was sad and/or guilty. She seemed agitated with the kids. I have noticed that she is getting more grumpy with them at times. The kids seemed a bit sad too. I think they are now really missing us a lot as a family.
W was packing a lot of stuff away (long story). I asked "Would you like any help?" I knew that she would not be happy with me if I didn't offer and I thought she'd refuse if I asked so I was in a no-win situation. She said no but I could to help by taking the youngest into the school, so I did. W said she would be a little late going into the school for the event due to her putting stuff away. She was, and she stayed by the door (where it was cooler) rather than sit with the other parents inc. me.
School kids were given awards. One was for honesty in everything they did, another for being a good actor going from evil monster to very happy person within a moment. I had to laugh. Another award was for perseverance and the award giver said how it was the most important word in learning.
I noticed that W looked sad. The happy fake smiles she always does had gone. She looked troubled. She didn't look dressed for work as if she was having the day off. My guess is that she's going to a legal person today to start D or a day with A (if so).
At the end, I could see W leaving in the corner of my eye. I walked up the road and she stopped the car. She must have gone to the car very quickly. She said she would call me about Sunday, then said no need and just confirmed what we have already arranged. I mentioned there was an outstanding bill (that she had said she would pay weeks ago but hasn't). W claimed she would phone right away to pay it all off but then she said it might take a few days for them to confirm it as paid. Ummm... I don't believe her.
I looked as good as possible, genuinely smiled, not much else I could have done. There's something major going on, I can sense it. I think she's going for D asap. That would be a problem as there wouldn't be enough time to sort herself out. I can tell that she is changing. When she left 2 months ago, she was all smiles as if everything was going to be great for her. Now she looks sad as if reality is just starting. Knowing her, she won't change her mind even if she wanted to do so because she is so stubborn and her parents are willing her on.
I just got back... We did a polite joke at first. I noticed that she couldn't look me in the eyes at all. I thought it was because she wanted to hide that she was sad and/or guilty. She seemed agitated with the kids. I have noticed that she is getting more grumpy with them at times. The kids seemed a bit sad too. I think they are now really missing us a lot as a family.
W was packing a lot of stuff away (long story). I asked "Would you like any help?" I knew that she would not be happy with me if I didn't offer and I thought she'd refuse if I asked so I was in a no-win situation. She said no but I could to help by taking the youngest into the school, so I did. W said she would be a little late going into the school for the event due to her putting stuff away. She was, and she stayed by the door (where it was cooler) rather than sit with the other parents inc. me.
School kids were given awards. One was for honesty in everything they did, another for being a good actor going from evil monster to very happy person within a moment. I had to laugh. Another award was for perseverance and the award giver said how it was the most important word in learning.
I noticed that W looked sad. The happy fake smiles she always does had gone. She looked troubled. She didn't look dressed for work as if she was having the day off. My guess is that she's going to a legal person today to start D or a day with A (if so).
At the end, I could see W leaving in the corner of my eye. I walked up the road and she stopped the car. She must have gone to the car very quickly. She said she would call me about Sunday, then said no need and just confirmed what we have already arranged. I mentioned there was an outstanding bill (that she had said she would pay weeks ago but hasn't). W claimed she would phone right away to pay it all off but then she said it might take a few days for them to confirm it as paid. Ummm... I don't believe her.
I looked as good as possible, genuinely smiled, not much else I could have done. There's something major going on, I can sense it. I think she's going for D asap. That would be a problem as there wouldn't be enough time to sort herself out. I can tell that she is changing. When she left 2 months ago, she was all smiles as if everything was going to be great for her. Now she looks sad as if reality is just starting. Knowing her, she won't change her mind even if she wanted to do so because she is so stubborn and her parents are willing her on.
I notice that you spend a lot of your posts trying to read her mind and guess whats going on. I feel like it is fueling you to make decisions that are based on these conjectures rather than facts. I think it is putting wayyyyyy too much of your focus on her.
I think maybe it would be better to try to stop with so much of this mindreading and really consider only concrete details and facts you know to be true.
I just got back... We did a polite joke at first. I noticed that she couldn't look me in the eyes at all. I thought it was because she wanted to hide that she was sad and/or guilty. She seemed agitated with the kids. I have noticed that she is getting more grumpy with them at times. The kids seemed a bit sad too. I think they are now really missing us a lot as a family.
W was packing a lot of stuff away (long story). I asked "Would you like any help?" I knew that she would not be happy with me if I didn't offer and I thought she'd refuse if I asked so I was in a no-win situation. She said no but I could to help by taking the youngest into the school, so I did. W said she would be a little late going into the school for the event due to her putting stuff away. She was, and she stayed by the door (where it was cooler) rather than sit with the other parents inc. me.
School kids were given awards. One was for honesty in everything they did, another for being a good actor going from evil monster to very happy person within a moment. I had to laugh. Another award was for perseverance and the award giver said how it was the most important word in learning.
I noticed that W looked sad. The happy fake smiles she always does had gone. She looked troubled. She didn't look dressed for work as if she was having the day off. My guess is that she's going to a legal person today to start D or a day with A (if so).
At the end, I could see W leaving in the corner of my eye. I walked up the road and she stopped the car. She must have gone to the car very quickly. She said she would call me about Sunday, then said no need and just confirmed what we have already arranged. I mentioned there was an outstanding bill (that she had said she would pay weeks ago but hasn't). W claimed she would phone right away to pay it all off but then she said it might take a few days for them to confirm it as paid. Ummm... I don't believe her.
I looked as good as possible, genuinely smiled, not much else I could have done. There's something major going on, I can sense it. I think she's going for D asap. That would be a problem as there wouldn't be enough time to sort herself out. I can tell that she is changing. When she left 2 months ago, she was all smiles as if everything was going to be great for her. Now she looks sad as if reality is just starting. Knowing her, she won't change her mind even if she wanted to do so because she is so stubborn and her parents are willing her on.
I notice that you spend a lot of your posts trying to read her mind and guess whats going on. I feel like it is fueling you to make decisions that are based on these conjectures rather than facts. I think it is putting wayyyyyy too much of your focus on her.
I think maybe it would be better to try to stop with so much of this mindreading and really consider only concrete details and facts you know to be true.
To be fair... this is spot on, but nothing he has not been told in posts before this unfortunately.
There needs to be a change in mentality on his part or this is being to be a long painful road.
It was a no win situation at the school because I went to greet the kids then noticed other people, then finally noticed W with a lot of school equipment to pack. I thought to myself 'whatever I say or don't say will be wrong' - I know the people would have slagged me off to W if I didn't offer to help her packing the school equipment. W would have also used it to help justify to those people why she left me. Those people are mutual friends so I didn't want them to take sides.
Kids told me that W parents had left for a few days. That will have given W time to herself to think, and requiring her to look after the kids by herself (which she has rarely done and she hadn't respected me for doing it). It might help to explain why W is now looking increasingly sad and troubled but I'm expecting her to start D proceedings asap so it could be that too. For someone that had left and said she was much happier, she doesn't now look it.
The way I look at it - I'm now far more attractive (lost a lot of weight, better clothes, better hair) than the me she left, she is very impressed with the major changes I've made to the house, I have done a major personal achievement, I've done a great job raising the kids without much help, the kids miss me more and more. I have learned a lot of things I could do to make M better than it has ever been. I would be willing to try to forgive her.
However, W needs time and space to get her head together and deal with her own issues but I know she is very busy and has pressure from her parents who she now lives with. My main concern is that W will want a very quick D so she won't have the time and space required for DB.
"When you become responsible for yourself you have the confidence to "set them free." Your happiness and your life is all about you handling it the best for you. When you let someone else dictate how your life will be run then you are a victim and that isn't attractive. The DB techniques are all about doing healthy things for yourself. You are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions. So when your world is collapsing around you, how attractive is it to be in control and moving forward? That's the calm, assertive energy you want to give off. It's powerful. "-Coach
Coach got his wife back. He did everything right and it worked. This is about you and how you handle it.
Your focus is on your wife. Change your focus to you and your kids.
Change your frame from "How should I do this or that" to impress my wife to "What is the right thing to do?" Should I let my wife take away my parenting time with my children? How do I get a 50/50 parenting plan in place?
Regards,
R2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just to add... all I can do is work on me, and I have been doing that. I've not been doing it to get W back. It is to get 'me' back and better than ever but I do know that W happens to like my changes.
Regardless, I know what I do won't be enough for DB. W now needs time and space to make changes of her own. Based upon what I know, it's safe to assume that her plan had been to get a D asap after she has finished hiding enough of her money. I can see that W is changing but I'm sure the plan isn't because her parents are helping. I doubt W will get the time and space she needs before a D.
She is hiding money and being secretive with her phone because she wants to divorce you and have a new life.
Why are you talking like she wont have time before the divorve to clear her head? There isnt an evil clock ticking down that makes in love couples split up. She can choose to end it all whenever she wants. But her choice was to leave you.
do you know she isnt having an affair with someone else?
You think tidying the house, losing a bit of weight, and having a haircut will change that??
If their daughter was happy why on earth would they want her to divorve her husband??
None of this makes sense to me at all and I know this subject like the back of hand
If your just a bit out of touch with reality due to the loss of your family and future that's fine.. but your posts are giving off warning signals to me. .
