Before leaving, W seemed to think that I had been controlling and insecure. I hadn't been at all, I had just wanted us to make some time together because we'd only had 1 night out in 6 months. Of course she could just have been using poor excuses but for me to say after we split that I'd take the kids if she has a night out planned and I didn't need to know the details, it was a total 180. I was self-confident enough to let go and not be bothered what she does, so I think I seemed less needy to her. I effectively took a step-back. Strangely enough she then told me the details of what was planned even-though I had said it was none of my business.
the 180 would have been you saying nothing... there is no way that comment, "you don't have to tell me the details," comes across as strong and confident... UNLESS you say it her as she is about to give you the details... when she "strangely enough" told you the details is when you could have said it, and only then... otherwise you do come across as needy and controlling... by the time she began to tell you the details, and you responded that it was none of your business--the remark had lost its effect...
DavidUK, i am sharing with you my perspective as someone who walked away from my M and then returned... my want is to help you stand for your M, while you do everything you can to give yourself the best possible chance of saving your M... detach and GAL to the Nth degree...
Sorry you find yourself in this situation we all know so well. I have been away from the boards for some time doing a flyby. I skimmed your posts.
If I have any advise for you, it is to become the best dad you can. Do not let anyone, or anything stand in your way of that.
"What is best for your kids is best for you."
Let this statement guide you though this difficult period of your life.
Your children need you involved in their lives just as much as they need their mother. Get 50/50 parenting in place.
Focus on being DAD right now. Take care of you and your amazing children. You will not regret it.
As far as WAW, you have no control of her. You do have control of how you interact and respond. Change the way you interact and that forces a change in the relationship.
This is a great time to learn how to be an attractive man. Confidence, respect, humor....this list goes on and on.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
[color:#3366FF][i]tthere is no way that comment, "you don't have to tell me the details," comes across as strong and confident... UNLESS you say it her as she is about to give you the details... when she "strangely enough" told you the details is when you could have said it, and only then... otherwise you do come across as needy and controlling... by the time she began to tell you the details, and you responded that it was none of your business--the remark had lost its effect...
DavidUK, i am sharing with you my perspective as someone who walked away from my M and then returned... my want is to help you stand for your M, while you do everything you can to give yourself the best possible chance of saving your M... detach and GAL to the Nth degree...
--artista
Yes, you have it right. W said a few words starting to tell me what it was she going to do that night, but I interrupted and said she didn't have to tell me the details, and then she told me all the details.
I very much appreciate your help. Many, many thanks!
Sorry you find yourself in this situation we all know so well. I have been away from the boards for some time doing a flyby. I skimmed your posts.
If I have any advise for you, it is to become the best dad you can. Do not let anyone, or anything stand in your way of that.
"What is best for your kids is best for you."
Let this statement guide you though this difficult period of your life.
Your children need you involved in their lives just as much as they need their mother. Get 50/50 parenting in place.
Focus on being DAD right now. Take care of you and your amazing children. You will not regret it.
As far as WAW, you have no control of her. You do have control of how you interact and respond. Change the way you interact and that forces a change in the relationship.
This is a great time to learn how to be an attractive man. Confidence, respect, humor....this list goes on and on.
Thanks Ready2Change. I am getting better as to how I interact with W but I still need to learn more.
When W left she had said the kids would be fine. On Wednesday, kids let it slip that youngest has started asking to phone me. W hadn't wanted me to know. I think W has now realised they are missing me more and more each week. I have been their main carer since they were born and I think W may have some resentment towards me for that.
As for me, l have confidence going to talk to anyone anywhere but the people I know locally also know W so I don't want to say too much to them at the moment. I need to get a social life outside of that. However, at the moment I find it hard to go for a walk without having to hide a few tears at times.
I want my W and family back but a massive problem is that W is so, so stubborn and rarely ever says sorry or admits mistakes. Her character isn't someone who will say they want to come back even if she does... and that was before she changed. She is also living with her parents who I know will be urging her to leave me. There are so many factors against me but I'm still going to try.
Forgive me if I missed it in the thread, but why do you believe her parents would be urging her to leave you?
I'm into arts, culture etc. W parents have no sense of humour whatsoever and are not interested in anything apart from their daughter and grandchildren. They are now all living in the same house. They also stand to gain financially...!
W mother recently said to my mother "I would never have married your son" and she has said much the same thing to me complaining that I should never ask where my W goes or has been. I now know where my W has been... taking cash and hiding it at their house in advance of a D.
Hi again David We seem to be both having the same experiences, and waking up early too, I’ve had very bad anxiety attacks every morning for two weeks and since my W filed the D petition on Wednesday they have got worse. My W is also stubborn and doesn’t ever see she is wrong. I suspect that she is having some doubts having realised the huge ramifications of what she has started, but won’t back down due to pride - lots of narcissistic traits are starting to become clear to me from her side. We’ve got to really follow the dB rules and make ourselves better men that our W’s would not want to not be with, but it’s going to be so very hard. Stay strong as much as you can
Me:48 W:43, Kids:S19, S17, S10, S8 M:10 years BD:06-18-2018
Just to add... I know that W took the marriage certificate and gave it to her legal person. You need that certificate to get a D.
The marriage certificate was signed by my Dad and that signature is all I have left from him as he later died. W had said she would return the certificate to me but she hasn't. Do you think I should ask her for it to be returned?
Is there a good way to ask wife not to rush into D?
This comment alone says alot about where your head is.
You have no say in it. She is doing what feels right for HER. NOT YOU. This is NOT a business deal where you are trying to convince someone to buy something?!
Its a romantic relationship. Where 2 people love being around each other... where they help each other grow.
She is telling you that she feel like you controlled her.
You are controlling AGAIN.. by trying to ask us what to say to make her not go through with it.
There is a reason she is leaving..
And untill you start to get your head into place it needs to be - you are just going to spin your wheel and end up another statistic.
