Okay, so per your request, I have read your threads and am going to weigh in. Sometimes I don't like doing that, because I tend to be blunt and it might rub posters the wrong way. I also read a lot of posters here that post frequently, however won't follow the rules -- attempt to detach and only focus on their S -- and so I find it to be a waste of my time. I don't think we can help people if they are not willing to do the hard work, or to at least try to. I do see that you are making an effort, and given your circumstances, it is quite impressive! You are one strong mama! And for the record, I see your sitch and your WH's behavior, as VERY different than Nicole's WAH, even if you both are drawing similarities.
Moving on. Arsh, wow, this is really rough. He is running fast and furious. I am sorry that you find yourself here, and with two babies, it is so confusing and painful. You are handling this like a champ tho, and I mean that, you seem much stronger than I was. You seem to be trying to follow the rules, allowing yourself to detach a bit, however you are keeping interactions cordial. It is so, so hard! The fact that he is moving out IMO is a good thing! Let him go! It is much harder to DB when they are right there and around all the time. You deserve a safe place, where you can process your emotions and just be yourself, and him being in the house will make that feel impossible. You can't process all your feelings and focus on your girls with him grumbling around and making jabs.
My strong sense given the details of your sitch is that your WH is completely wayward. I tend to think that when people are running that quickly and crazily, they are not just running away, but they are running towards something (someone). In your sitch that very well could be an OW, and he is just keeping his tracks very well covered. This is usually an affair (EA or PA), but it can also be an infatuation with the idea of someone else that isn't even reciprocating an A (I have seen that here too). This also could explain his erratic behavior and anger towards you. I have seen it here before, and in fact a recent poster names Meg dealt with a similar pattern. Her H became distant, even hostile with her, and wanted out as quickly as possible, however he insisted there was no one else. Low and behold, OW came to surface in time, and she was totally blind sighted by it. He also wanted to move out as quickly as possible. Why??? Just think about it ...
The anger and what feels like an instant "personality change" stems from him trying to justify what he is doing. There is no justifying it tho, because it's selfish and wrong! On some level he knows it, but that guilt is buried as he blames you. So he is constantly looking for ammunition and it could be as simple as you looking at him sideways. It is very hard to understand, so it's not even worth trying to make sense of. My H acted in a similar way when he was in a fog and I completely felt like I didn't recognize him, it was so bazaar and surreal. The good news is that he is moving out and so you can remove yourself (to an extent) from his circus. He may have family and friends that are supporting him and even blaming you too, but please know that he has lied and manipulated them to. That is what waywards do; they bend over backwards to try and justify it because the A is like a drug. The addiction is so strong that they become very good at convincing others (and possibly you) that they have to get out of this toxic M and it is all the W's fault, poor me, wah wah wah! It's all fabricated BS and it's very strange to goo from having a loving and supportive H and father of your kids, to this alien in only a couple months time.
So what can you do? I am afraid there is nothing you can do to stop him or make him "see the light." Oh boy did I try! Never worked. Often the sooner they go out into the real world (out of the marital home and family environment), the more likely their fantasy world will come crashing down. If you read my sitch, that is what happened with my H and his X-OW. The actual R with OW is not going to be how they imagine it, and over time all Rs fall out of the honeymoon period. He may never even get a chance with said OW, but he is giving up you, so that is his choice and he has to face the music. One thing I would suggest would be to not allow any cake eating. NONE. IF he wants to run from his W, family, and home, let him. Let him feel the loss of it All of it. He can see the kids on his visits and thats it. He can only communicate with you via email about boring logistics. No family time, no vacations, and no playing for his needs!.... You keep holding your head up high, carry on with grace, and pretend as if you are a pro at being divorced and co-parenting, as if it's been years down the road. Wake up and read Sandis rule every day. It is okay to mess up and feel terrible. Each day start over. Find support with your trusted people. I agree about a new IC. You need a great one that you trust 100%
You are human and this is devastating. Take care of you and the girls first and foremost! Be kind and loving to yourself. Be proud of who you are. This will get easier, I promise!!!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
