Because you not being immediately responsive to her has her feeling the loss of attachment on your end, and the resulting loss of control. Trust me, when you guys started texting again she could sense your level of attachment. We've talked about that before.
You going to name, rank and serial number has her questioning what is up. She expected you to be at her beckon call. To be hanging on her every word.
My initial reaction was that she just worded it that way and you were reading too much into it. And that may be the case, but due to her history of manipulative behavior I am thinking she worded that exactly like that for a desired effect.
The best thing you can do is just to ignore it. But you already know that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You have come a long way. I have held my breath, whenever I thought you might start spinning again. I think you've gone longer, and I can see improvement. If you could just cut that emotional cord to her.........
The thing that is going to keep you emotionally attached to her is this texting. I mean, it doesn't really make much difference about the context.......it's b/c you pick it apart and analyze it. She has power over you, when you spend hours wondering why she said something, what she meant, what time she texted, her patterns, etc.
You know you will not be able to have a normal relationship with her. You won't be able to have a normal co-parenting relationship. You won't be able to be "friends". You can't even have "clear communication" (whatever it was you said you wanted with her), b/c it always leads to you analyzing it to death. How will you ever detach as long as this texting goes back & forth? You are wanting something with her that just can't happen. The desire is still there, deep in your heart. (((hugs)))
If you can let go of wanting to have something with her, and let go of texting her.........then I think you'll start making amazing progress. Until then, you still have that rope around her. Please don't see this as a 2x4. I am not blaming or picking on you. I want to put my arms around you and tell you that you can conquer this rope if you can truly accept that you can't have anything with her. I know you'll say S3 will always keep you attached. He is used as an excuse to text, but the texting I've seen was not necessary. It was an excuse to reach out to her. Logistics seem to be a big issue with S parents these days. I think a lot of that could cease, but that's JMHO. Have a set schedule, and set swapping designation, and time.......and cut out all this extra texting. It's holding you back, Orange.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You have come a long way. I have held my breath, whenever I thought you might start spinning again. I think you've gone longer, and I can see improvement. If you could just cut that emotional cord to her.........
Thank you Sandi, that means a lot coming from you. I feel like i have sawed through 90% of the emotional cord, honestly its the "WTF is she up to NOW?" factor that keeps me hanging on to what she might do next. there is still definitely an emotional component as well, id be a liar to try and say otherwise.
Originally Posted by sandi2
The thing that is going to keep you emotionally attached to her is this texting. I mean, it doesn't really make much difference about the context.......it's b/c you pick it apart and analyze it. She has power over you, when you spend hours wondering why she said something, what she meant, what time she texted, her patterns, etc.
I agree, my "Scientific Need to understand" is certainly a double edged sword. It HAS helped me understand and heal, but it also has been keeping connections alive that need to die. It reminds me of a quote i like from "The Song of Ice and Fire" books (More popularly known as Game of Thrones) "Sorcery is like a Sword without a Hilt, A weapon it may be, but there is no safe way to hold it"
Originally Posted by sandi2
You know you will not be able to have a normal relationship with her. You won't be able to have a normal co-parenting relationship. You won't be able to be "friends". You can't even have "clear communication" (whatever it was you said you wanted with her), b/c it always leads to you analyzing it to death. How will you ever detach as long as this texting goes back & forth? You are wanting something with her that just can't happen. The desire is still there, deep in your heart. (((hugs)))
Well i also cannot have clear communication because of her compulsive lying, But the texting attachment is why I havent been replying to her, and it seems to be throwing her off as Steve mentioned, but thats now why i am ignoring. I am doing that for myself, for my own health. Replying starts a conversation, and those with her are fruitless. She will want to be "Friends", like her divorced parents are. What is it that you think i want to happen? just curious.
Originally Posted by sandi2
If you can let go of wanting to have something with her, and let go of texting her.........then I think you'll start making amazing progress. Until then, you still have that rope around her. Please don't see this as a 2x4. I am not blaming or picking on you. I want to put my arms around you and tell you that you can conquer this rope if you can truly accept that you can't have anything with her. I know you'll say S3 will always keep you attached. He is used as an excuse to text, but the texting I've seen was not necessary. It was an excuse to reach out to her. Logistics seem to be a big issue with S parents these days. I think a lot of that could cease, but that's JMHO. Have a set schedule, and set swapping designation, and time.......and cut out all this extra texting. It's holding you back, Orange.
Letting go of wanting something with her - I admit i still look fondly backwards at how our R started, and miss it, but i remind myself that was specifically designed to ensnare me, so i know the things I miss arent attainable IRL. THe start of our R was fun, even if it was deceptive, i know now what it was, but will still always look back on it fondly. WIFE cannot discern limerance from love, so i know she thought she loved me, probably still thinks she used to love me, but then she loved OM, and for all i know could be "Falling" for someone else by now.
Texting her - I only have been responding to direct logistical texts since our last long exchange. Im not going to let myself be baited by desperate attempts like the one from last night.
I dont see it as a 2x4. i can feel the compassion in your words Sandi.
We do pickups at 5pm on Sundays, wherever S3 is. If i have him, she picks him up, if she has him, i pick him up. Im not budging on that.
Less than 2mo's left until Divorce is final, I FEEL fundamentally different these last 2-3 weeks. I still have attachment to work out, but i think the DEtachment is becoming obvious not only to myself, but to those around me in my life.
I was just talking to my boss the other day about doing Sales, and how i finally feel like i have my Charisma back.
I found myself enjoying client engagement again for the first time in what felt like forever.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
As a tip, I resolved all my scheduling issues by using google calendar. This minimized most of our texting and it was glorious. I don't text her unless it's about the kids - emergency, any co-parenting issue, school stuff. And that results in me barely having to text her and vice versa.
As a tip, I resolved all my scheduling issues by using google calendar. This minimized most of our texting and it was glorious. I don't text her unless it's about the kids - emergency, any co-parenting issue, school stuff. And that results in me barely having to text her and vice versa.
I plan on presenting this as an option, but she doesnt respect boundaries. I asked for EMAIL only about 2 weeks ago, she just kept on texting, when i brought it up a 2nd time, she didnt respond to it, just keeps on texting.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I gotta say, the fact that ive been able to resist getting back to her, and the increased frequency of texting as well as the change from mean and combative, to nice, and even last night "Concerned" tells me that GOING DARK EFFING WORKS.
I literally laughed to myself for a solid 5min last night at the ridiculousness of her "car crash" text
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
