What are you going to do differently than you did in your past relationship, to make sure that things don't get stale and you find yourself right back here in a few months ??
How can you show her that you appreciate her, and her willingness to communicate with you ???
Cause while I understand where you are now, there is still an undertone of YOU being the caretaker of her and her feelings...
Do work buddy.....always
Mach, just realized I owe you a response!
To answer your first question:
First I dropped the NGS expectations. They are gone. The nice thing is that I found this so freeing! I was so caught up in the covert contracts I was living by I didn't even realize it. I also dropped the passive-aggressiveness.
Another 180 I instituted, and again it has been so freeing, is trying to control her. I used verbal and passive-aggressive criticism to try and control her. She isn't a good housekeeper. I knew that before I married her. But then I thought I could coerce her into being a better housekeeper. It was an exhausting struggle. Dropping that freed me. I have a new attitude: if I see something that needs to be done I either do it or I am okay with it being not done. Those are my only two options!
We are doing more things as a couple. Date night, real conversations, conversations about logistics and planning. All of this is new. No more "its up to you" stalemates. No more "you said you'd do that" passive-aggressive comments.
With the move to the new house we took a break from MC, but both of us want to recommit to it. We know that we still need to cement the changes. The MC was so good at getting me to see how I had a god ego. I thought I was always right and anyone that disagreed or did things differently was wrong. I continue to work through that through self-reflection and self-discipline.
We continue to go to bed together, spend time together, pray together. All things that were sorely missing from the pre-BD relationship.
Your second question is a good one. I think the biggest thing I have done to show her that appreciation is to LISTEN to her. Something I was horrible at pre-BD. When she'd come to talk to me I wouldn't stop what I was doing. I acted distracted, and even passive-aggressively let her know that I didn't appreciate the interruption. I got especially upset and frustrated when she would emphasize that it was important I listen ask me to pause the TV or movie or radio, or put down the phone or tablet or laptop. Now I do this willingly. When she comes to me to discuss or talk about something, I put away, turn off, and remove whatever other distractions might have my attention at that moment, and fully engage and listen and give her my full attention. This has resulted in her being so much more open, honest, forthcoming. You can tell she once again enjoys communicating with me instead of dreading it and putting it off. I am open to other suggestions on how to show this appreciation though Mach.
Oh and I also concentrate on speaking her love language now. Words of Affirmation. I am very open with my compliments for her now. (MC also pointed out that being verbally critical to someone whose love language is words of affirmation is a double whammy!) And I thank her for her open communication sincerely. (And deep down I really truly do appreciate it now that it was lost at one time!)
"Cause while I understand where you are now, there is still an undertone of YOU being the caretaker of her and her feelings..."
Can you expand on that? I have worked hard to differentiate. I do not react emotionally to the things she says and does anymore. I continue to work on my loving detachment since I feel that it is so important for a healthy relationship. What I have tried to concentrate on is being the caretaker of ME and MY feelings. While being sensitive to her feelings.
Mach, I am sincere in wanting more input on this. What have I typed or conveyed that led you to detecting this undertone. What advice do you have for me to make sure I'm not doing what you are suggesting.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
