Can I ask how old you both are? How long you've been together and how long you have been married?
You mention your trust in God, I assume you are both religious? Is this why this is still being hidden? Her still living at home, sleeping in the same bed, etc?
I assume your S doesn't know what is going on?
So you are going to get a lot of advice related to tough love. Kicking her out of the MBR. Stop playing the good H, lots of things to shake her our of her waywardness. I am not the best at advising with sort of thing.
Of course, you never came out and said she was involved in a PA. Are you in denial about that? The late nights out. The texting. All of it is pointing to a PA. I can't think of many guys that would remain in "an intimate relationship" for a year and a half without it going physical.
Another recent newcomer had a similar story. W was the primary bread winner, he was stay at home dad, etc. I've seen it a lot over the years that this can work for a short period, but everyone that I know, and I can think of several off the top of my head, that were in that situation eventually ended up D'd. You can't beat biology, and biology says that the W should be the keeper at home and the H should be the bread winner. Our society bucks against that, but again, it is in our biology, part of our DNA. When gender roles are turned upside down the downstream results are rarely positive.
It comes down to a an issue of respect and attractiveness. sandi, the resident WW expert will tell you that women are not attracted to men they do not respect. You said that she has an issue with being the sole bread winner, so my guess is that over time she lost respect, attractiveness followed. At some point (like you will read about in DB/DR) she gave up on the MR and became susceptible to an OM. Enter old BF, bam....A.
equalzr, not sure how long you've read this forum but if you have for long then you already know the way forward is fairly simple.
1st GAL. Be busy. Make your S the priority but when you aren't spending time with your S, you are busy. Stay busy. Always busy. Idle time is your enemy. The posters that struggle the most are those that do not GAL enough. S first, then GAL.
2nd 180s. Sounds like you've done these. However, it doesn't appear that the 180s you done have not gotten you to where you want to be. So be open to 180ing 180s. Do not be her slave. Do not be available to her at the drop of a hat. This is again GAL comes in. "I am too busy for that." "I would love to help but I have plans." Etc.
3rd DETACH. Stop hanging on her every word and action. You knew this relationship with the old BF was inappropriate and still going, but seeing the evidence drill you between the eyes. That tells me there was a) denial about what was going on and b) there is too much emotional attachment, even a year and half in, despite all of her poor behavior.
4th, be the the best you can be. Be the spouse only a fool would leave. This involves 1-3.
One last thing. Her counseling request was a red herring. WAWs/WWs are notorious for suggesting MC in order to later be able to say "Well we tried everything, even MC!" You were right to pull the plug on it. Do not be open to it again unless she is fully committed back to the MR.
Please do not ignore Cadet's post. You should be spending the next few hours devouring the links and information he shared.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
