Hi All, As the title of the forum suggests, I am a newbie here. I have read the DB book but am just not sure what to do.
Six weeks ago, fairly out of the blue, my wife told me our marriage is over. We've been together for 14 years, married for just under 3. When I say fairly out of the blue, I mean I felt something wasn't right, but put it down to her being really busy and stressed at work as she is most of the time. Never in a million years would I have expected her to come home to tell me she is done with the marriage.
After the initial shock I suggested marriage counseling which she turned down. Next came an angry period where I told her I would never forgive her for giving up that easily on us, and I still feels this way. In front of her, however, I managed to pull myself together and act like I was ok with it being over, we started working out how to split our assets, get the house sold, divide the dogs etc. So I presume this is classed as the "Last resort" option in the DB book. But I am having a hard time figuring out if anything I am doing is working or just "letting her off the hook" so she can carry on with her new life. I am suspecting an affair, if not physical, then definitely emotional, she has made a new "friend" a while back, who I know she has been talking to.
I feel incredibly lost as I am sure all of you can understand. I have been to see a counselor but that didn't really help me, all she did was summarize how I felt, I wanted some constructive ideas of what to do. I have good moments where I can just picture myself and the dog I am keeping getting on with our lives, but only to drop into a big black hoole the next minute thinking about everything I am about to lose. Our marriage wasn't perfect, she is a workaholic who rarely had time for me or doing family stuff, so maybe I would be better off out of there, but I just can't face the thought of her not being in my life at all.
We still live in the same house but in separate areas, so contact is restricted to arranging for the sale and the odd chat about the dogs. I try and be upbeat in these conversations and always be the one to end them, but I feel like that just helps her get over the guilt of leaving me when she sees that I am doing great.
What else can I do? I feel like she owes me at least a go at counseling but I obviously can't force her if she "knows how she feels". Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
We still live in the same house but in separate areas, so contact is restricted to arranging for the sale and the odd chat about the dogs. I try and be upbeat in these conversations and always be the one to end them, but I feel like that just helps her get over the guilt of leaving me when she sees that I am doing great.
Okay so you think you "doing great" is letting her off the hook. So the opposite of this is you being a mental and emotional wreck.
What do you think women find attractive? A guy that becomes a puddle of goo the minute they say they want to split up? Or a guy that say, "Sorry you feel that way!, I love you and would love to stay together, but if not, bye" and then goes out and becomes awesome without her?
I'll give you a hint....its not the puddle of goo. She will always feel guilt. She knows you are hurting. Leading up to BD she came to grips with the fact that she had to hurt you to leave you. So you being hurt will not, cannot, change anything. What can change something is your being awesome without her. You being awesome even losing her. You being awesome and her scratching her head and going..."Why am I leaving this awesome guy again?!"
So if you would rather be the goo and guilt her into staying......then you are barking up the wrong tree. You should instead be awesome, and maybe then she'll want to stay! See the difference?
She has already processed you being hurt. She has already processed the guilt associated with dropping the bomb. What she hasn't processed yet is you being awesome! So be awesome and give her something to think about.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Cadet for the introductory post, I read my way through all of it before posting, but good to have it on my thread!
Steve85, thank you so much for your reply, it really helps. I just feel like no amount of awesome would make her come back so why bother trying. And then there is the thought that I don't even know if what I think is awesome is also what she thinks is awesome. So I might think I am doing great, going out, getting a life, being all together and what not, all the while she just sees me the way I have always been.
She never complained about anything I was or wasn't doing, so it is hard to do 180s, if I don't know what I should be doing differently.
Also, I just realised, I did not mention I am female. She was the first (and to date only woman) I fell in love with, but maybe I just wasn't "gay enough" for her? The new "friend" I am suspecting her to have at least an emotional affair with is gay with bells and whistles, so now I am wondering if I'm lacking something no amount of awesomeness can compensate for.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Got the book, and I am on my own password protected computer, so no chance of that happening. Not saying it isn't tempting to shove the book in her face! ;-)
I don't think she thinks I am trying to manipulate the situation with my behaving like I am ok with this, I think she probably thinks I am actually ok with it and have realised the marriage is over. She probably thinks I have realised that it was all my fault for it being over and she was just the one to spell it out.
So yeh, I don't think there is much to be saved here, I just can't see how she would ever come to have feelings for me again, if she is so convinced they're gone (hers and mine).
Six weeks ago, fairly out of the blue, my wife told me our marriage is over. We've been together for 14 years, married for just under 3. When I say fairly out of the blue, I mean I felt something wasn't right, but put it down to her being really busy and stressed at work as she is most of the time. Never in a million years would I have expected her to come home to tell me she is done with the marriage.
Humbug,
I'm sorry you're here. My personal philosophy is that spouses should really understand what they're up against right from the beginning. I think being in the right mindset really helps with implementation of DB techniques. So, with that, here's the bad news; you're wife is having an affair.
She never complained about anything I was or wasn't doing, so it is hard to do 180s, if I don't know what I should be doing differently.
This is your chance to look in the mirror and change things that you may not think are attractive.
She does not have to have complained about it, in fact it might be that you always wanted to have green hair but were afraid to do it.
Most people after they are here for a while find out that they were co-dependent, conflict avoiders, nice guys/gals, pursurers. Then they work to change those things.
She never complained about anything I was or wasn't doing, so it is hard to do 180s, if I don't know what I should be doing differently.
This is your chance to look in the mirror and change things that you may not think are attractive.
She does not have to have complained about it, in fact it might be that you always wanted to have green hair but were afraid to do it.
Most people after they are here for a while find out that they were co-dependent, conflict avoiders, nice guys/gals, pursurers. Then they work to change those things.
Hope that makes sense.
Cadet, thanks for that, there are a lot of things I have been wanting to do for a while but didn't as I knew she wouldn't like it or let me do it. A while back I floated the idea of doing some of them, not because I thought the relationship was on the rocks but because I wanted to get them out of my system so to speak so I wouldn't constantly dream about doing stuff. That now felt like the beginning of the end, as that seemed to have coincided with her making the "new friend" and eventually telling me we were over. So it's a lose lose situation, I tried to do things I wanted to do to make the relationship better, to then have more time for us, while she saw it as me wanting out and then getting out herself?
Thanks Cadet for the introductory post, I read my way through all of it before posting, but good to have it on my thread!
Steve85, thank you so much for your reply, it really helps. I just feel like no amount of awesome would make her come back so why bother trying. And then there is the thought that I don't even know if what I think is awesome is also what she thinks is awesome. So I might think I am doing great, going out, getting a life, being all together and what not, all the while she just sees me the way I have always been.
She never complained about anything I was or wasn't doing, so it is hard to do 180s, if I don't know what I should be doing differently.
Also, I just realised, I did not mention I am female. She was the first (and to date only woman) I fell in love with, but maybe I just wasn't "gay enough" for her? The new "friend" I am suspecting her to have at least an emotional affair with is gay with bells and whistles, so now I am wondering if I'm lacking something no amount of awesomeness can compensate for.
Okay, I am not an expert in gay relationships. But I will say you need to become awesome for YOU, not HER. She'll either recognize your awesomeness or she won't. But do it for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
