Congrats. I am glad to hear that you are a success story. I never assumed otherwise. I appreciate you taking the time to help out us newbies. My comment was very much meant to be general. I don't know how healthy it is to continue on in limbo for years. I certainly could be speaking out of my arse in a pique of newbie impatience.
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I actually agree with you on the lottery. I am pretty staunchly opposed to gambling, legally or illegally. But mtb made a good point that most that play the lottery do so reasonably do to the hope of winning, without depending on winning it for their future well-being. But guess what, you are right, the vast majority would all be better off NOT playing it. Just like the vast majority of us would be better off NOT having to go through our sitches.
I don't think there is a "reasonable" way to play the lottery, I think it is always delusional. I don't see it as a moral issue, simply a question of healthy vs. unhealthy choices. Also, I think the parallel is not between playing the lottery and being in our sitch. We are in our sitches regardless, that is a given. The parallel is between hoping for R and playing the lottery, both are choices that we can make. So the question is whether or not we are better off NOT holding onto hope. Wouldn't our recovery be helped by letting go of that hope? Wouldn't we be able to process our grief more effectively?
I won't tell you no on that. Look, hope is not necessarily a choice. You either have it or you don't. But as we say, no one is going to stand in the way of a LBS moving forward with the decision to give up and file for D. I understand the state you live in doesn't allow that, but I believe, if you were really resolved, you'd find a way to file for D in another state. The only advice most of us on the board give is to make sure you've done the work before just throwing in the towel. But all of that is up to you. You can give up at anytime. sandi's rule #33 is for those that want to maximize their chance of eventual R, but she herself would tell you the power to give up is always yours to wield.
I am not sure you are completely without hope, or that you want to be completely without hope Davide. That is for you to decide. But be honest with yourself. And don't delude yourself into believe that you can't lovingly detach without hope. Detachment is healthy EVEN in strong MR. (Look up self-differentiation in marriage for this concept.) It is never healthy to be overly attached to another individual. Never.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
