Friends: Season 2--The air has cleared

[Meredith]

but can some of you explain the reasons that you were crazymakers, what the payoff was, what you were trying to accomplish, and how you got over it?

My name is Meredith, and I am a crazymaker!!!

Crazymaking, also known as addiction to drama, was a way of life for me. My mother was a crazymaker before me, and I learned from her. My fear of abandonment causes me to attempt to control everything around me. My constant need for control causes me to look at situations from a black and white standpoint only. My perception of the world and people’s behaviors causes me to believe that if I don’t control what is happening around me, I’ll be left by everyone and have nothing. My need to control goes so deep that I will go to strange lengths to receive what I need from someone without directly having to ask for it. Since I’ve decided long ago that everyone has one foot out the door, I have a negative rather than positive perception on most situations.

A few examples of my typical crazymaking.

If I felt my H was drifting away from me, I’d start to hang on tight. Cling, if you prefer. I’d cling so tightly that he felt smothered. I would analyze EVERYTHING and decide that everything I found in my analysis was cause to believe that I was right, and he was leaving. Then, I used it against him. Added guilt to the mix. Then, tried to make him need me. In the process, I pushed my H farther away, which only made me do those things even more. Vicious cycle.

OR

If I were in desperate need of love and affirmation from my H, I’d pick a fight. Usually the fight centered on the things that I had done lately and how little he’d done in return. I’d do this hoping that he would say “oh Meredith, I love you so much and the last thing I want to do is hurt you”. Yeah, it never happened, but I always hoped it would. To me, picking this fight, crying, screaming, etc would make him see that he was lacking in the quality time or WOA department. It never did, which only convinced me that he didn’t love me. I thought that having to ask for things made them less special, but in truth, through fighting I was still asking for them (begging, actually).

OR

I’d view every single thing as a negative. If he was going out with his friends, I felt annoyed if we hadn’t spent much time together ourselves that week and that meant he didn’t want to be around me. Fight. If he was late he was disrespecting me and showing me that he didn’t care. Fight. If he forgot to balance the checkbook he was proving to me that the money I brought in didn’t matter to him and I was unappreciated. Fight. And most of these fights would be caused my me assuming that his actions were somehow done simply to tell me that he didn’t respect, love or appreciate me. And I went down fighting.

Those are few examples, but the main trait of my crazymaking days was that my fear would cause me to view things negatively and use anger as a manipulation for control. Everything had to be in my control and everyone had to fit the mold that I thought they should. Or else they were disrespecting me, didn’t love me or where leaving me.

Overcoming this was hard. First, I identified it through Betsey’s help. Then, I employed the overnight rule and hung the list of controlling behaviors next to my computer screen at work and on my refrigerator at home (this was at a time where H was never there). I made it a focus to eliminate all controlling behaviors from my daily life, and to STOP the fighting (eating fish, we called it). It was a conscious effort, and still is. Even last week I caught myself doing it. Sometimes, when my H does a really bonehead thing, I resort back to my old behaviors. The key for me now is to realize why I am angry. I have to decide if it because I was really disrespected and if so, then I have to decide how could I gain the respect in a way that would work (ie boundaries). The overnight rule works well here. IF you can remember to use it!