Thread #6: Piecing and R.....plus parenting a 15yo

[SteveLW]

As always great post Steve, very insightful . I see most of the warning signs in my sitch too but about 3 months before BD. I understand you say WAHs can be impulsive but exactly 11 months prior BD we conceived Baby 2. She was 10 weeks at BD. What I cannot understand in my sitch is how can someone go from wanting to have another child to not wanting MR in 11 months? I know WAH and WAW think and act differently but in a man’s perspective does this time even make sense?
And I can see how OP is a side effect not the root cause for most sitches

Detachment is a process for a LBS, final stages of grief where we move into acceptance. If LBSs didn’t beg, plead, pursue it probably was because they must have been done with MR too at BD right ?

Arsh, there are many similarities, obviously, between WAWs and WAHs. I only made a distinction because I think that for many WAHs, they come to the realization they want out, and more immediately take steps to make that happen. Therefore, they don't typically have the same long ramp-up time that you typically see with WAWs. WAHs may have been feeling the way they are feeling about leaving for a few weeks or a few months. WAWs have literally been DONE with the MR for many months, or even years before BD. But all sitches are different, so this isn't all true in totality.

But yes, WAHs taking action more quickly does make sense. As a guy I know that my W and I can vary wildly when it comes to decision making. Say we want to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I go to the store, pick one out based on brand, price, what's on sale, does it look like it is built in a quality way, etc. But my decision is made quickly. For her she spends hours, days, maybe even weeks researching the pros and cons of each vacuum cleaner, making a list and narrowing it down over time until she finally says, "THIS is the one we should get."

I don't think your assumption about the LBS being done with the MR if they don't beg, plead, and/or pursue on BD. Some people are much more emotionally secure, less codependent, and healthier emotionally (or more emotionally mature) than others. I think that if I ever BD'd my W she would say "Okay. Bye." And not because of our latest problems, but because she has emotionally matured to the point where she knows it will all be alright even if she were to move forward without me.

Early in our relationship this was not true. My W admitted that she was very clingy. That if she felt someone was moving away from her in a relationship she would grab hold and hang on for dear life. Did you see what I said above about her researching vacuum cleaners? Guess what, she has done similar research on why she was so needy in past relationships and even earlier on in our relationship. Even when our MR was healthy and strong she talked about how she had come to a place where she no longer felt that her world would end if I were to leave her. I remember in the first couple years of our MR, when we had some friends going through marital strife with one of them cheating, she said to me in a very pleading, begging way "PLEASE never cheat on me."

Since that time her attitude has changed to "If you cheat then that's it. We are through." (I know, based on her EAs that seems a tad hypocritical, but we all know these things are complex!) Or, if you leave I won't fight to keep you. Her emotional maturity through time and self reflection have led her to a point where she knows that she will be ok even if I were to bolt. But that doesn't mean she isn't trying to improve the MR or that she doesn't think it is worth keeping in lieu of my cheating or leaving.