Re: Moving past the WAW to a stronger me Pt. 3

[Davide]

I remember people telling me here that I wasn't depressed before BD because I snapped out of it almost instantly into a high state of anxiety.

Well, the opposite has finally happened. I have left the anxiety-ridden state that I have been in for the last 3.5 months and have almost as quickly fallen back into depression. It literally happened almost overnight. My appetite which has been slowly returning has come back full-force as I feel compelled to eat nearly constantly (in an attempt to numb?) My energy for exercise is gone as is any pleasure that I derive from it. I forced myself on a bike ride yesterday evening, to do yoga for 30 minutes this morning, and to rock-climb this afternoon, and I more or less hated every minute of all of it. There wasn't even satisfaction for getting it done. I can't force myself to concentrate in the conference sessions I am in for more than 5 minutes, as I constantly distract myself online. I am listless. I have no desire to do anything. I see absolutely no future for myself nor do I really care to make an attempt to create one.

I have finally returned to the creature that drove my W away. It is pretty pathetic. With the benefit of retrospection I can see what an awful person to live with I must have been. I don't even want to live with myself like this. The worst part is that all of the positive changes that I thought I was making have evaporated into the ether. The positivity, the gratitude, the mindfullness - I can't summon any of it. I don't have the energy or desire. All of the bad habits I had, the numbing activities, the defeated attitude, they have all returned with a vengeance.

I question what brought this on. I had an interaction with the W, but I have had many of them, and this one was not particularly bad, just more of the same bad. Perhaps this is my reaction to finally giving up hope and accepting my MR and any hopes of R as a lost cause. Is this what happens when you let go of the rope and fall to the bottom of the abyss? I have returned to the city and to a conference full of people after spending much time alone in the desert, or with one solitary friend. I feel more lonely in this large group of people than I ever did in the desert. I can barely make myself talk to any of them and have dined alone 2/3 nights. Being around so many people in the state I am in makes me feel like a fraud or an impostor. My IC has gone on vacation and is not nearly as available any more. My posts on here go unanswered. I haven't spoken to family or friends in days, and feel no desire to call them in the state I am in. This is the black hole that sucked energy from my W until she couldn't take it anymore.

One day of wallowing I could handle, but now it is two in a row and I just feel like sh#t.