WW having affair and pushing for divorce

[DB346]

I've been lurking here for a couple months and I've finally reached a point that I feel like I need to post here.

My WW and I have been married for 12 years with one S7. She blindsided me with BD in late April and moved to her parents' house the next day. Within a week she was meeting with a lawyer. About 6 weeks later I received a proposed separation agreement.

Shortly after BD I discovered very unusual text message usage during the previous several months. I have since confirmed that this was an OM that went from EA to PA after she moved out.

I've read DB and DR and all of Cadet's homework. I have struggled very badly with deciding whether there is any chance to save my family and further, whether I can come back from this. I was convinced that I wanted to stand for my marriage, but after several weeks of nearly NC we recently talked. In this conversation I confirmed that I knew of the A and discussed my requirements for a separation agreement regarding custody of S7. I made mistakes in this conversation by letting the topic veer in to discussions about our MR and OM that I didn't want to get in to.

In our state you have to be physically separated for a year before filing for divorce, unless you have a limited number of 'at-fault' circumstances. Of course adultery is one of those circumstances. The problem I am having is determining whether I have any hope of saving my family, or if I could even move past the betrayal if she ever came around. She has hit me with all of the typical WAW/WW script/history re-writing and ILYBNILWY, etc.

There is no question whatsoever that I HEAVILY contributed to her WW mindset. I spent the last 2-3 years (maybe longer) suffering with depression. I can honestly say that the last few years I have been in such a fog that I struggle to identify what year certain events happened. I shut down and other than going to work I basically didn't/couldn't function. I would basically come home and close myself off from my family and suffer alone. When I DID spend time with them I would get angry way too often. I didn't take good care of myself and I was depressed and embarrassed by my weight and didn't want to go anywhere. Basically, I wasn't being a good husband or father. I don't blame her for losing respect for me and feeling like she didn't love me anymore. I own that, and understand why she would be thinking of leaving me. When she walked out on me, it was like a switch flipped in me. The fog cleared and I realized that I had to make MAJOR changes to myself. I've lost between 60 and 70 lbs in under 12 weeks, I immediately turned my life back to God, got involved in a new church (taking S7 with me as well), begun serving at church, reconnected with friends, started IC, started meditating, reading the bible daily and have met with a pastor from church. I am taking better care of myself and the house and have completely dedicated myself to being the best dad I can be.

I love my wife and my son with all my heart and I would give anything to go back and do things differently. I know that I can't look back now and have to just keep moving forward, but I am having such a hard time. I KNOW that I have to let her go and trust God, and when we were virtually NC I was doing so well, but talking to her the other night has set me back to feeling like i did on BD. When I can think rationally, I know that I will get through this and be OK even without her, but I am having so much trouble truly letting go.