Wife is not who I married...Pls Help Pt 4

[arsh18]

My focus and efforts are squarely on me and S. I have many days where I still reminisce the wonderful times and often long for the closeness and affection. That is the days I rely on my faith. That is when I simply look up - and talk and pray and KNOW that thru God ALL things are possible. In regards to my outlook - I come here and sometimes feel challenged- wondering often if I am doing the right thing. This place gives a place to unload and to analyze any comment or feedback given. It gives gives me comfort to know that their are people who are undergoing the same sitch (some far worse than mine) yet these individuals still come and RISE and exceed all expectations. My hope is for one day that my family will be restored in a more solidified version 2.0. That with the proper maintenance and care will survive the test of time. As I wish for all marriages. Our focus now is to redefine who we are so that we are able to reach or exceed our full potential. Blessings on your journey!

I agree with Nicole, LW your attitude is positive and calm and you are always encouraging to others. Standing up for your family takes a very strong individual with values and belief system that are well grounded. I have felt your WW is already a fool for not seeing this in you, you have what it takes to keep the fight going. So keep on fighting for your MR not fighting the WW on her tantrums.

[LoneWlf]

I agree with Nicole, LW your attitude is positive and calm and you are always encouraging to others. Standing up for your family takes a very strong individual with values and belief system that are well grounded. I have felt your WW is already a fool for not seeing this in you, you have what it takes to keep the fight going. So keep on fighting for your MR not fighting the WW on her tantrums.

I know that I may get a 2X4 for this because of Sandi's rule-11. Do not say "I Love You". But I need to say it. "I Love all you guys and gals for all your love and support!!!"

Here is a thought that I had today while at the gym - I came to this board after BD looking for answers on how to change W so that she would come back. Looking for answers to what happened in my R ? Looking for answers on how to prepare for any of the outcomes. I came here scared, fearful of the consequences happening, confused and sometimes paralyzed because of the possibility of loosing the very thing that I cherished most aside from God- My family!

I began to read voraciously - absorbing all information possible. Good people- ones I know nothing about, reached out to me. Giving heart felt messages and support. I began to feel more comfortable and in turn offered what I believed was limited but good advice. I analyzed most of the advice- some took longer to stick. Some did not sit well initially but over time I found out that most information was good and valid. Most important thing I found is I had to do some deep self reflection. To really find out what makes me happy? What makes me hurt? What makes me angry and all the spectrum of emotions. Re examine how I used these emotions to react in the past. Now if you remember - I came here initially to look for answers about changing my W to come back to our family. The answer I got was to look at ME! Focus on me! Redefine Me! Make me be the best me possible.

LW your attitude is positive and calm and you are always encouraging to others
For most part I do consider myself a positive person. After BD I was far from positive. I still struggle with this but I have learned from the Good People here how critical this component is. In terms of encouragement- For those who follow my sitch- Know I am a coach. I find this helpful because it provides me with the mindset that from every negative allows you to find the potential for numerous positives. Almost like seeing obstacles as an opportunity for growth.

By fostering a self compassion and positive attitude. And by following others advice- DBing, GAL, validation , detachment. I am in the process of transformation. I still have a ways to go but a journey of 1000 miles is done one step at a time. This transformation allowed me to go from an unhealthy 265 lbs to 195 lbs ( more muscular- I got called Arnold at the gym today-haha!). I am now doing more things that make my heart dance while learning all the nooks and crannies in my mind and my heart. I am doing more for me than I did before. As I say- going to the gym,eating well,sleeping well and being healthy is my daily gift to ME! You either pay for it now by working out and releasing endorphins( and getting a natural high) or you pay for it later -In a hospital bed getting old and sick and feeling totally low. I am reaching out to the newbies here when I say- You have some incredible people with some wonderful insight and experience- Look- Listen- Learn. Best mistakes to learn from are from someone else's- so you don't have to experience the pain yourself.

My journey is far from over- I still consider myself fairly new still. I am a work in progress. If I could get I t-shirt it would read" Under Permanent Construction".

Standing up for your family takes a very strong individual with values and belief system that are well grounded
First of all I still struggle with the fact that "I am enough". Often times I question this. What I do believe is that we are strengthened by our family unit. We all as human beings from the start crave to be connected and loved. I feel marriages are becoming more disposable. That we must all make a stand for the covenant that we made with God and our spouse. And for the benefit of our families and ourselves we must fight of this institution of marriage. Society , parents and children all benefit from embracing this belief system. Having Faith and believing in God has also help me on this difficult journey. Knowing that I am trying to be obedient and fulfill the promises I madeon my wedding day help me to walk upright. Knowing that He will not give me more than I can handle. And knowing that thru Him ALL things are possible. The message here is have faith and Trust in God.

I have felt your WW is already a fool for not seeing this in you, you have what it takes to keep the fight going. So keep on fighting for your MR not fighting the WW on her tantrums.

When I came to this board. I had very little self esteem. No self worth . Wondering who would want to be with a middle aged man with child and limited passion for life. Unhealthy in lifestyle and outlook. After this transitional time- things are starting to get better. I am starting to evolve not into somebody I can live with but somebody that I cannot live without. This is a testament to the LOVE and SUPPORT on this board.
To those who come by and give loving advice freely. To those who come to read to learn and to cheer us on. To those in despair looking for hope and answers. To those whom picked me up in my times of self pity. THANK YOU!!!! Everybody here like me-has a story- has felt pain - has felt confused- wondered what was right or wrong. Felt moved to do things the right way- transforming oneself to be the best in all scenarios.

Now back to the 2X4 and the I Love You ALL!
I want to thank everyone and I do not want leave any one out so I will not list names.- Know that you have touched my heart- Thank you!

I have felt your WW is already a fool for not seeing this in you, you have what it takes to keep the fight going
For all the people (nothing against the men here) but when I hear these words from the women on this board -it makes me feel honored to get these words of affirmation. I will also note that you have only heard my side of this R which can be some what biased. One thing about self worth. When this BD happened - I had no self worth. Now that I am doing things that I like for me based on the advice given. It has helped me to become a better version of who I am. I am aware that these feeling of "I am enough" have to come from within and internalized. To all the people on the board - as Josh Groban sang" You raise me up!"

With hand on heart- Thank you!

[NicoleR]

LoneWlf, there's a lot of wisdom in your post. It reflects a lot of the way I feel as well. I hope your wife notices your sincere changes because you sound like an attractive option for her when she comes to her senses!

[LoneWlf]

Thank you for the compliment Nicole!

[LoneWlf]

journaling- I got a call from a company that I interviewed with last Monday asking me to call them back. I called them and they informed I was one of 2 candidates that they were considering. A small startup company - but who knows maybe a great opportunity. Just a little hesitant because I worked with a small start up company a while back only to have them shut down after 4 years. I worked so hard for them with very little to show for it.
I took S and dog on a beautiful hike yesterday along creeks, up hills over bridges it got hot so we kinda cut the hike short after over an hour and a half. On the way home I asked S what he wanted for his 16th bday in a couple weeks was there anything special? He plainly said " I just want my family". With a lump in my throat I said "I am doing my best is there anything else on the wish list ?" He said -No.
Another thing, I woke up to a dream that W and I had recon. Things were peaceful and we were working together to make this beautiful family work. Only to wake up with my dog snoring next to me.
I don't know what this all means but I hope blessings are soon to come my way. Take care.

[RR17]

Start-up companies are neither good nor bad. In fact, they can be a tremendous opportunity. Pray and do research.
I got a bad haircut once, I still get haircuts.

As for your S. I'm sure this hurts. Stay the steady course.

[LoneWlf]

I so wish I had that kind of R with my D. She still is very cold and distant towards me.

Thanks S85- I will pray for your relationship with your D but I am proud of the progress with your W. i hope all work out in the long run.

Start-up companies are neither good nor bad. In fact, they can be a tremendous opportunity. Pray and do research.
I got a bad haircut once, I still get haircuts.
As for your S. I'm sure this hurts. Stay the steady course.

RR- Thanks again for some good advice . I have researched the company and I am not sure. I will continue to pray about it. In regards to My S - it stings badly but we must move forward. You have always chimed in my thread and your posts are always welcomed.

[LoneWlf]

update
I am still doing my morning routine- going to the gym job hunting. I have the one start up company that has informed me that I am one of two candidates they will be selecting and another company emailed me that they will be sharing my application with the hiring team later this week.

I have been cycling thru various emotions this week - from- I know I can do this. To why is this happening? Anywhere from a defeated to a champions mentality. So I reached out to my friend- the priest that married me and my W. I explained to him what has transpired with S and W. S and I's accomplishments at home to our session with the Therapist. The long and the short of his message is that I must stay connected with God thruout this trial. That God will make me better when all this is done. Use this time to grow and learn about me so that I can evolve to be the best me. Allow God to work on W even though it may take a long time . The thing that will hinder most growth from a human perspective is PRIDE. My priest said Pride-" thinking you are all that and more" will stunt any growth spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally. He said this is what keeps spouses from self reflection- reevaluation and growth. From growth some will see the light and the truth and my reach out to reconcile. It was nice that he thought I was doing a good job with my S encouraging me to allow him time to grieve and to freely voice his anger and frustration. In other words- always keep the door to communication open. Anyways that is my sitch- Hope things turn out for the better. Blessings!

[arsh18]

Emotional roller coaster is the theme of this show LW, we all have real dog days and then some okay ones. Sometimes we feel our own witch is the exception and we can win this and on others feels like it is the end of the world. Concentrate on what is going well for you in life, hope you are able to do a lot of things with S during summer. Would he be interested if both of you picked up a new hobby or joined a class together? I am glad speaking to the priest gave you hope, during these times only faith can get us through. Take care and go easy on yourself - arshi

[LoneWlf]

Arshi- thank you for your words of support- your kind heart speaks in all your posts. I am doing all I can to maintain a positive outlook. I have had little to NC with W. S and I continue to foster a good relationship.