Meanwhile 12 Years Later

[DonH]

Dawn, you made some really great points - as you often do - and I wanted to respond, after thinking about it for a bit and now finding some time.

Here's something I don't quite get. You mentioned the "tone" of her text. I have seen other posters mention that as well, but text has no tone. There is no affect within text. I think that people read into texts whatever emotion they ASSUME goes with it.

Perhaps "tone" is not the right word to use. I can just tell, or at least thought/think that I can based on previous responses. I know how quickly she typically responds, how much she writes, what she says, etc. So for example, if in the past i've written, "Maybe we'll have time to talk tonight" or something like that, I'd often get back "I really hope so, I'm looking forward to it.' To me that has a tone to it rather than saying the same thing and getting back a simple "Maybe". Does that make better sense?

So, you're saying drinking and skinny dipping make her wild? Hmmmmmm......LOL I may have to rethink it when I tell people I'm not wild at all if that is the case.

Again, I guess it's all context. In the context of a Sunday evening with her BFF's husband around, yeah, that's a bit more wild than I'm used to. It's not like trying to win a wet T-shirt contest by ripping off your shirt in front of 100 guys type of wild but it's a bit higher on the wild scale than the average woman - I think????? It is the case at least for many to most of the women I know.

13 years is not that much difference once you get to a certain age. But maybe she prefers younger men because that helps her maintain some semblance of youth herself. I mean, dating someone a lot younger than you certainly doesn't hurt the old ego, right?

I obviously can't deny that as I'm doing it!!!! I'll admit to gratuitously slipping into my lunch conversation yesterday with a past colleague that I was spending some time with a hot 42-year old. For her I don't think it's only that I'm 13 years older, it's that I'm near 20 years older than her previous BF and at least 15 years older than many guys she has dated - or as she calls it "hung out with." Although, I now have a different thought on this that I'll address later in this post.

This is really more of an observation based on your posts than anything, but for someone who keeps downplaying your interest in this woman for various reasons (age, drinking, wildness), you seem to care an awful lot about her family and her friends and how they perceive you. You display a reticence to label this as anything beyond dating and continually mention that you are going slow, which is totally fine, but sometimes your own description of your thoughts belies that a bit. I think you are more smitten than you care to acknowledge or admit.

Yes, you are correct on most all of this. I often care about what other people think about me - in only that I use it as a gauge to myself. What I'm trying to say, (which is opposite of each other) is that while I don't care what people think once I've decided on something - I own it. However, I do care what people think in helping me shape my thoughts, actions, etc. I hope that came out right. In this case, I just don't at all want to be labeled a jerk or player or whatever that lead this daughter/niece/friend, on and "broke her heart." Even if I would never see WG again, and that could happen as our paths would not cross that much, I most certainly will see her parents, relatives, friends and their friends. That's my bigger fear. It still is not anything beyond dating. It really is not. H@ll, she won't even call it dating although I swear that is more a running joke now than anything. But it's only been like 6 weeks. I've not seen her in nearly 10 days. We are dating. Thing is, yes, I'm more smitten than I thought I would be. I'll again endeavor to pull this altogether at the end.

You keep up pretty closely as to when you'll talk and when you won't and that sort of thing.

Now this to be completely honest, this mostly done for the benefit of everyone reading. I don't update here all that often - sometimes weeks apart. I'm more trying to paint a picture to the readers about future plans or potential plans along with my thoughts on them, to give a more accurate picture of where things are.

I disagree - I think 6 months away is a little bit too far away to make plans with somebody you've only started dating - especially when she's so ambivalent. If you can wait another month before submitting a name I would.

I so totally agree with KML on this. Now, turns out, it's looking like she's less ambivalent than I thought, but I really don't want to give her the wrong feeling about asking to do something six months from now. And then it's a pretty big deal. Even though I'm not paying for it out of my pocket, I really am asking her to go on a nearly $2,000 vacation. That is just not even close to typical for me - ask someone on a $2K vacation 6 weeks into dating. And pretty much EVERYTHING is paid for. It will cost her nothing. You also said in another post why don't I just give her name in case we are still dating and she ends up going. That's just not possible. This is a one and done thing here. While I'm sure if I fight like heck I could come to them down the road and try to switch things but there may well be costs involved in that if they even do it. The costs could be hundreds of dollars as well - especially if they ticket the airfare. They could well say, sorry Charlie you can't submit a different name. I've thought about just explaining it all and saying it doesn't change anything for us, etc. but if you do decide to go, it's going to be a big deal to back out. Once I ask, we are effectively going to be together for at least the next 6 months. I mean that's how I think most people would view it. I'm less concerned about her going with me. I think we'd have a great time and would do just fine together for a week - even right now. If it were 2 months away, I'd have zero concern. But it's not, it's 6 months. This and other reasons is why it's best to wait as long as I possibly can before I ask.

So, let's see if I can pull this altogether. Yes, if I just go with it and not think about it, I'm more interested than I thought I would be. We just really fit well. We are beyond comfortable with each other, she totally gets me and my humor we are both in similar places - neither having dated much recently, me D'd for coming up on 12 years, her for 9. However, if I then really think about it, I'm like, wow we are also different - there is the age, there is her wilder than typical (for me) nature, she's not the highly educated, somewhat cultured type I often fit with. By her own admission she has a lot of street smarts but she's a down to earth country farm girl - who also cleans up well and enjoys a Broadway show as much as a truck pull - or perhaps close to the truck pull. Her BFF is a WW and that bothered or still bothers me a bit although she does not at all agree with BFF's actions but is trying to support her lifelong friend - who evidently had to be treated for an STD very recently. Her poor husband - but that's a whole other topic. It's not Wild Girl, it's her BFF. I'm trying to focus on the fact that she's standing by her friend - which is including telling her she doesn't agree with some of the stuff she's doing.

Anyhow, if I really think about it then I take some steps back. The huge irony here and a good friend of mine sort of said it as I was point it out, is by most assumptions, I've found exactly what I've thought I've wanted and been looking for. Someone who is fine with casual, not smothering, doesn't feel the need to see me every day or perhaps even every week. Really loves sex, is a lot of fun and doesn't live 5 minutes away. I really sort of have found it. However, now that I have, do I still want it? LOL. Oh how life can be cruel - Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it!

I thought she was pulling back for this past week, and I guess she sort of has been, but not like I thought or why I thought. I thought she was finally succumbing to the "he's too old and outside of my box thing," or even thought she met or at least got attention from guys more typical to what she is attracted to, when really I think she may be using it like I'm using the negatives - to distance. Turns out she really is more interested than I thought. She's talking about me to friends all of the time - even telling me about it. Had a dream that I told her I didn't want to hang out anymore and how bad she felt about it - even when she woke up and knew it was just a dream. She still says she is struggling
with the age gap even though she doesn't want to, but clearly when asked "How's your love life been Wild Girl" by friends of hers, she's saying how she met this really great guy and is having so much fun but didn't think she would because he's 13 years older and that is difficult for her. They, of course, tell her what you all have been telling me. She also tells them I'm very naughty which fits well with her WG side. Who knew? LOL But seriously, is that what KML says about sex coloring things?

So, while I don't think any of this changes things largely - it may just acknowledge what has been underlying for a little while. We talked last night about some baseball game specials in August and September and that didn't seem to phase her at all - being a month or two into the future. That's likely a good step for the cruise. She seems very good at last minute plans. Yeah, a cruise can't be last minute but 5 or even 4 months is not last minute. She can rather easily get off of work and since she doesn't need to save $$$ for it, that's not an issue. Looks like I'll be seeing her house tomorrow night since I'll be in her area. That's another mini-milestone on her end as she never or rarely brings guys to the house. My plans might alter for Sunday so I may end up seeing her this weekend after thinking that would not happen. So, I'm just trying to go with the flow. Ironic how I sort of went from concerns she was distancing and pulling back to now concerns that she's not. That's all on me. Hopefully I explained it better to all of you!

I'm still just trying to enjoy the ride. I'm actually somewhat surprised myself that I've not gotten "those feelings" of wanting to pull back or just plain getting sick of the person. That often would have happened by now - yet it has not. It's all still to be continued.