Withering on the Vine

[Underdog]

Ah, Fox, you have a great post here!

My one wise real life friend says, "It's tiring always being the one to do the right thing, isn't it?"

Meredith grabbed my attention last fall when I was debating this issue and said, "Bets, let God take care of fair. You take care of right."

And amen, sister! It IS difficult.

I think T2 hit on some really great things that should not be overlooked. I view each of you as desperately needing and wanting validation.

The Cat wants to hear from the Fox: "Honey, I appreciate you working so hard to provide for our family. I want you to be happy here at home. What can I do to make you feel more loved?"

You want to hear from the Cat: "Sweetie, did I ever tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you gave up a career to take care of the kids? I know that your life is tedious and boring sometimes and you just want me to listen to you when I feel like doing that as much as I love going to the dentist. You totally rock!"

This isn't impossible, Stef. It just takes time to turn that ship around and get it in the right direction.

Have you tried the steps in DR to start navigating there? Doing or saying specific things and then logging his responses? See which things positively push his buttons and which ones don't seem to do the trick?

I have a notebook full of tidbits of information I jotted down when I asked Mr. Wonderful questions or observed his reactions to something I had done or said a few days before. It was enlightening!

I also endorse the 5LL and Mars/Venus. M/V helps us understand our fundamental differences. The 5LL give you an idea of what you need from others and what others need from you. And how you express your love and why it is often overlooked (because that's not what the person needs from you).

For instance, Mr. Wonderful performs Acts of Service for others to show his love and appreciation. But he receives in Words of Affirmation (and this has taken me over a year to figure out, as I thought he received in Acts). Well, I'm a Words of Affirmation person, so it's not hard to figure out why I wasn't appreciative of all his yard work, etc. I felt unloved and he felt unappreciated.

Just doing something for them that they want can make a huge difference.

Let's go back to this:

While I really, really, really do understand the thinking behind "I need to veg after a hard work week," please tell me at some point he will come out of it if I support him enough.

Well, you won't know for quite some time... after a lot of effort and willpower on your part. There is no reason to think that he won't be generous with you if you are generous with him, is there?

It all goes back to the resentment issue. Stef, if you are taking care of your own needs, this won't be such a burr under your saddle. If you are doing the little things that fill your own tank, this resentment will subside.

For instance, I used to feel REALLY resentful of Mr. Wonderful's seemingly constant weekends away for various golf tournaments or fishing trips. It wasn't that he didn't deserve them (quite the contrary). But I felt that, because I wasn't getting the same thing.

I felt victimized by his departure--leaving me with 2 little kids (one of them developmentally disabled) and worse? He would NEVER call me just to say hi or tell me he got where he was going. I felt abandoned, unloved and very much unappreciated.

So when he walked through the door upon his return, he found a sullen (if not hostile) me. And I was NOT happy to see him, I had "put up" with the kids with no rest all weekend, and no fricking call from him! Every time he left, it became a real battle. He knew what would HELP me not go off (to call), but he withheld that from me because he felt controlled. UGH.

Looking back (which is a wonderful but useless tool), I see the real reason I was so unhappy with his trips: I wasn't doing the same thing for myself. I was sitting around waiting for him to hand me a hotel reservation and airline tickets, and he wasn't about to do that.

Really, why should he have? I felt victimized because I didn't say, "Mr. W., I'm feeling the need to get a break myself." I know he would have agreed, so why didn't I just do it? Because I'm sure it was a whole lot easier to play the martyr (I have great role models in that one).

As a friend later told me, "Bets, get down from the cross now. We need the wood!"

I make sure I schedule all sorts of fun things for myself. Tonight I have a date with myself to get caught up at home since I've been out of town a whole lot in the past 2 months. I'm finishing laundry, and have a date with a book in the process. We're separated, and this is Mr. Wonderful's night with the kids... anyway, I'm really looking forward to putzing around the house with no plans.

I'd give it all up to have my family back under one roof, Fox. But I had to lose it all to appreciate it. I am positive you don't have to go this far to get what you want.

So, you probably have figured out that I'm a goal driven person. I work best with some specific guidelines to follow until they become second nature. Keep a journal to keep track of the times when you feel good--write down why you feel that way. Log why you feel edgy or unhappy. I'll be willing to wager a whole lot of money that you'll start pinpointing some very specific dynamics that cause you to feel this way.

Half of every problem is figuring out what the problem is.

If you had to put yourself in Cat's shoes, what do you think he thinks is your biggest problem (in his eyes, which is truth to him and probably at least partially true from a neutral perspective)?

I'll go first: Mr. Wonderful told me that I had a horrid temper, I jumped to conclusions and I got defensive when he tried to talk to me. I told him that he was projecting. His perception turned out to be the absolute truth.

So, what do you feel he thinks is the biggest obstacle in his R with you?

I'll be back later. Time to pay bills...

Betsey