Summer time is usually my happy time. I love the heat. I love the beach. I love sandals.
Once again, this has been a rough summer. My car needs all these repairs and i am having trouble with borrowing cars to get son to his activities and myself to my jobs. So a real source of frustration. I started a 2nd job and finding time to get training in is really difficult. With my son off and with my other job. Once i get it down it will be a great way to earn a little bit more with hours that are flexible. But the documentation and mandates are tough. It is keeping me away from focusing on another venture that has been in my mind. But it will be such a good supplement and experience while my son is still young.
I need to exercise. It makes me feel confident. It makes me feel more attractive. It helps my depression and anxiety and i have been having such a hard time getting it in. I have always had a bit of an eating body image disorder. Like i dont feel good about myself if i have any extra fat on me. At BD i was 114 lbs and im 5'8. Now thats a bit too skinny. But i still liked that weight because of the body image disorders. Thats not possible without hair loss and starvation so it certainly wasnt sustainable and i felt really good at 120 to 125. I am 5 lbs over that confort zone for me and i wont feel good until i get back there. So this is absolutely necessary. And i know it sounds extreme. But im also smaller boned. And very depressed about this weight gain. I binged at a family party and on cake at work and pizza and bagels yesterday. And i need to make consistent changes. I actually wont feel confident dating again until i lose that weight, and i know that sounds crazy.
Today. . No sweets no crappy carbs. I have to sustain. I need to start waking up early to get in exercise or forcing myself to do something each day. Preparing for new job is making this hard cause i feel like im literally on the go.
I have to break things off with NG and im losing sleep over it. I keep questioning myself and going over the red flags and then worry that im picking on things about him. I know that everyone has something bad. Am i trading in someone loyal and willing to form a family with me and my son? Or am i preventing years of anger and resentment amd fights and issues for son down the line?
I am really thinking its the later.
I need my confidence back. I am just not in a good place and should be because its summer.
