Welcome. I think I posted to you up in newcomers, so I'm sorry if I missed your posts in between my soirees out of town.
First of all, you realize that we absolutely CANNOT focus on your H. We're working with you. And you can and should be the impetus to change the dynamics in your R with him.
You know what? I might have been what outsiders considered a good mother before Mr. Wonderful left, but the fact is, he and I know that HE was--by far-- the better parent to our girls.
But the truth is that the root of our problems went a whole lot deeper than our parenting styles.
The fact is that we both withheld what we knew the other person needed. We held on to resentments and anger and bitterness--all of which was reflected in how we communicated (or didn't communicate) with each other.
I'm not out to call you wrong, or ungrateful or trying to invoke guilt for seeming to have it better than some of us. The truth is actually that you are not. Your M is crumbling, Fox, and I sense that you know this.
We all had to begin somewhere, and my world came crashing down pretty much at the point where you are right now.
The fact is that YOU are in a position to change before one of you leaves. This means what you do, say and think is critical.
Just reading your post makes me very uncomfortable. Not because I'm a judging person. But because seeing your present reality is so painfully close to my former reality that it hurts. Your words are filled with resentment and anger, and right now, I sense that you are blaming him for how you feel.
The fact is that nothing he does or says can MAKE you feel that way. You choose this.
I'm not saying you are not entitled to your feelings or that they are wrong. But what you DO know is that something has to give. You realize that it is tearing you and your H apart and someone must make that first step.
Neither of you are right--which also means that neither of you are wrong.
Resentment occurs when we are not taking care of our own needs, Fox. How can we expect our spouse to put any importance on that if we are not willing to do it for ourselves?
What things can you do that are reasonable and not too demanding to help you feel more centered? Scheduling lunch with a friend? A facial? A massage? A walk? Scheduling a date with your H?
My SIL told me a long time ago that when I feel like I need to run away from my H, THOSE are the times to run toward him. Could it be that you've been running from him so long that you are scared to run toward him?
Please don't take my post as a beating. We're here to help. Good luck.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
