Newcomer

[jaylove]

So things got worse today, much worse.
W has a lot of funds after inheriting from her late Mother - my finances aren’t great as I’ve had cancer three times in the last ten years and right now, despite having had free advice from a family friend who is a lawyer, I don’t have the funds to officially engage a legal team
Since my W returned home at the weekend she has repeatedly asked for me to engage in conversation about our long term arrangements for our children- she has had advice from her lawyer
I have repeatedly said that I am not prepared to engage in such discussion without my having a lawyer present.
This morning she repeatedly harassed me to have the conversation and I kept saying no, that I was recording the conversation and that I felt harassed by her and vulnerable
I took the kids to school and came home, once again she came into the MBR and wanted to discuss long term childcare
Once again I told her I was recording the conversation and that she was harassing me and said I was reasonably asking her to go away as I felt harassed
She continued, so I said if you don’t leave me alone I will call the police.
She persisted, so I called the non emergency police line and told them what had been happening.
They are coming to interview me tomorrow.

[jaylove]

Please could I have some more input?
Many thanks

[Cadet]

You are not going to be able to stop her from moving out, so let her go.

What are your 180's, stop trying to control her.

So money is tight - I have been there.
What are you going to do about that?

If you are going to have your kids 50/50 whats that going to look like?
How are you going to be the BEST DAD that you can be?

[Kronar]

That is great advice AnothetStander, thank you so much
I have never suffered from the kind of anxiety that I have developed in the past week, waking every morning at 4am and being unable to sleep with a never ending cycle of thoughts racing through my mind.
I spoke to my wife briefly today over a family admin matter and she became hysterical very quickly and started catastrophising and distorting things I supposedly I have said over the years. She sounded very disturbed I have known her since we were kids and the person I spoke to today bore no resemblance to the woman I love.
She is on all sorts of medication, so I am not surprised, but equally I am really concerned that having spent nearly four weeks in a top psychiatric hospital, she is catastrophising and raging at me.

Ill re read your post over and over as it really does contain good information that is more pertinent to my particular sitch.
Thank you again

Well I will tell you what worked for me about the anxiety. I have ADHD so once I focus on something it is literally all I can think about until I solve it. Which is the worst things anyone can do in a situation like this. I went to my psyciatrist and explained the problem to him. He said that it is extremely common for this to happen in divorce and some people literally cannot get over it because the way their brain handles the situation, stress, and anxiety.

Go to your doctor. Tell him your situation... that you are going through a divorce, your wife was in the mental hospital, you are responsible for raising four kids, and that you have so much anxiety about all this that you cannot function properly to take care of the kids. Not sure of your health insurance but I got 300 5 mg Valium tablets for 180 bucks in Australia. I feel normal and can think about it normally without all the anxiety. Helped me loads because all I could do was obsess about divorcing and had massive anxiety so bad that I actually puked up my meal on the side of the road once. Went to the doctor and it was like magic. Now I can think rationally, not obsess, not send 20 page long retarded text messages and emails, it has allowed me to detach. But I literally could not function at my job because all I could think about was my situation. I had to get the pills or I would have been fired for sure.

I don't think prescription drugs are always the answer but if you really can't sleep it will affect your ability to take care of your kids. And the less sleep you get the more likely you would be to have an attention lapse in the car. Not a good idea when you are driving your kids to the hospital to see their mom. Which you should do by the way.

For this detachment situation I did this. I am totally not a religious person. An atheist in fact. So when a situation happens with my wife now I think "What would Jesus do" which means always show love and compassion to your wife even if she is only showing hatred. I actually have written on the back of my hand the following at all times to remind myself.

WWJD
DB
detach
GAL

Seems to help me remember to do those things.

[Kronar]

She just came back home, rather glum, saying that her lawyer advised until we have a childcare arrangement agreed, she can’t get a place and move out with the kids. She is talking about a 50/50 custody agreement anyway.

So here’s the question for you experienced dB-ers:
It’s clear the view here is that I should be in the MBR - however on her discharge from
Hospital I let her take it.
So now, asking that I have it back is really like me putting gas on a fire.
Should I hold off for a few days?
Very tricky sitch for me

I would tell that that she has the right to stay in the MBR. Then say I equally have that right. Then I would just start sleeping in the bed as well. She will leave the room 100%. She knows she is manipulating you right now. Just be rational and calm because as your are not legally divorced or separated you both have the right to sleep in the MBR. She can choose to stay in there with you in there or she can choose to leave the bedroom. I would not let her have the MBR. At the very least I would alternate nights or something that is fair.

[Kronar]

Do not let her take your children our of the country. With her money she could possibly never come back very easily.
Why do you need a lawyer to draw up a 50 50 childcare agreement? Cut and dried so just do it. Lawyers are needed when the arrangements are so far out of whack and no one will budge. The last thing in the world either of you need is a lawyer. Lawyers win and everyone else loses.

You should give in to her childcare requests. Tell her that you will agree to a 50/50 custody split and if her lawyers draws up a 100% equal contract then you will get a lawyer to review it to make sure it is fair. The harassing comments and calling the police are not Dbing. You are trying to hold on and control her. By all means record everything but don't tell her you are recording.

You don't need a legal team. Whatever country you are in there are forums and online resources for your situation where you can learn everything you need to know. Just lookup divorce men forum etc.

[jaylove]

You are not going to be able to stop her from moving out, so let her go.

What are your 180's, stop trying to control her.

So money is tight - I have been there.
What are you going to do about that?

If you are going to have your kids 50/50 whats that going to look like?
How are you going to be the BEST DAD that you can be?

I really need to think carefully about my 180’s
I’m considering borrowing some money somehow to buy a Prius in order to do Uber work. I’ve been a musician for twenty years but after my cancer x 3 I’ve built up debts and no one buys CDs anymore, so I need to supplement my income and Uber is flexible enough that I can still work as a musican too.

I have my mother and brother close by who support me with children sometimes whereas my wife has no readily available family- 50-50 custody will mean when I have the kids they will be with me or close family, when with my wife they will have childcare.

Thanks Cadet

[jaylove]

That is great advice AnothetStander, thank you so much
I have never suffered from the kind of anxiety that I have developed in the past week, waking every morning at 4am and being unable to sleep with a never ending cycle of thoughts racing through my mind.
I spoke to my wife briefly today over a family admin matter and she became hysterical very quickly and started catastrophising and distorting things I supposedly I have said over the years. She sounded very disturbed I have known her since we were kids and the person I spoke to today bore no resemblance to the woman I love.
She is on all sorts of medication, so I am not surprised, but equally I am really concerned that having spent nearly four weeks in a top psychiatric hospital, she is catastrophising and raging at me.

Ill re read your post over and over as it really does contain good information that is more pertinent to my particular sitch.
Thank you again

Well I will tell you what worked for me about the anxiety. I have ADHD so once I focus on something it is literally all I can think about until I solve it. Which is the worst things anyone can do in a situation like this. I went to my psyciatrist and explained the problem to him. He said that it is extremely common for this to happen in divorce and some people literally cannot get over it because the way their brain handles the situation, stress, and anxiety.

Go to your doctor. Tell him your situation... that you are going through a divorce, your wife was in the mental hospital, you are responsible for raising four kids, and that you have so much anxiety about all this that you cannot function properly to take care of the kids. Not sure of your health insurance but I got 300 5 mg Valium tablets for 180 bucks in Australia. I feel normal and can think about it normally without all the anxiety. Helped me loads because all I could do was obsess about divorcing and had massive anxiety so bad that I actually puked up my meal on the side of the road once. Went to the doctor and it was like magic. Now I can think rationally, not obsess, not send 20 page long retarded text messages and emails, it has allowed me to detach. But I literally could not function at my job because all I could think about was my situation. I had to get the pills or I would have been fired for sure.

I don't think prescription drugs are always the answer but if you really can't sleep it will affect your ability to take care of your kids. And the less sleep you get the more likely you would be to have an attention lapse in the car. Not a good idea when you are driving your kids to the hospital to see their mom. Which you should do by the way.

For this detachment situation I did this. I am totally not a religious person. An atheist in fact. So when a situation happens with my wife now I think "What would Jesus do" which means always show love and compassion to your wife even if she is only showing hatred. I actually have written on the back of my hand the following at all times to remind myself.

WWJD
DB
detach
GAL

Seems to help me remember to do those things.

This is brilliant and a really clear pointer for me - “what would Jesus do?”
Likewise I am not religious but that is a piece of decent advice that I will endeavour to follow.
Thank you

[jaylove]

So I got a draft D petition today and somehow I’ve been very calm all day. There was also an accompanying letter from W with her proposed arrangements for our 50-50 childcare. Frankly it was unreasonable and unrealistic - she works Monday-Thursday so wanted me to have Monday PM, all day/night Tuesday-Thursday, her to have every Friday and for weekends she would have the kids all weekend every other weekend and then Her Saturday am, Me Saturday PM, me Dunday AM, her Sunday PM
A really bizarre proposal that wouldn’t give the children any periods of stability and would also enable her to work and also continue to go out drinking after work and would also limit by ability to find extra work in the week.
I said it was totally unreasonable and unworkable and that most 50-50 agreements in the U.K. are based on a 5-2 arrangement- H has the children Monday-Friday, W has Saturday and Sunday, then W Monday-Friday and H Saturday and Sunday, so In effect each parent has a solid 7 days and the weekends are alternated as are the weekdays.

Her face totally dropped when she considered this, I have my mother and brother close by who can support me when I have to travel to do my work, my W would need to put th children in childcare Monday - Thursday and that would be a new thing for the kids and not something I’d choose for them, but as my W is choosing the D, this is the reality of what she is choosing to do. I cannot say that having the children in childcare when my W has them on weekdays is in the children’s best interest- but if I accepted her proposals it would totally limit my ability to work and support myself and the kids and it would also limit my time at weekends with them too.

I really sensed confusion in W when she got an idea of the realities of being a single parent

[jaylove]

So I got a draft D petition today and somehow I’ve been very calm all day. There was also an accompanying letter from W with her proposed arrangements for our 50-50 childcare. Frankly it was unreasonable and unrealistic - she works Monday-Thursday so wanted me to have Monday PM, all day/night Tuesday-Thursday, her to have every Friday and for weekends she would have the kids all weekend every other weekend and then Her Saturday am, Me Saturday PM, me Dunday AM, her Sunday PM
A really bizarre proposal that wouldn’t give the children any periods of stability and would also enable her to work and also continue to go out drinking after work and would also limit by ability to find extra work in the week.
I said it was totally unreasonable and unworkable and that most 50-50 agreements in the U.K. are based on a 5-2 arrangement- H has the children Monday-Friday, W has Saturday and Sunday, then W Monday-Friday and H Saturday and Sunday, so In effect each parent has a solid 7 days and the weekends are alternated as are the weekdays.

Her face totally dropped when she considered this, I have my mother and brother close by who can support me when I have to travel to do my work, my W would need to put th children in childcare Monday - Thursday and that would be a new thing for the kids and not something I’d choose for them, but as my W is choosing the D, this is the reality of what she is choosing to do. I cannot say that having the children in childcare when my W has them on weekdays is in the children’s best interest- but if I accepted her proposals it would totally limit my ability to work and support myself and the kids and it would also limit my time at weekends with them too.

I really sensed confusion in W when she got an idea of the realities of being a single parent

Anyone got anything they can comment on this?
Having read other posts on this board, specifically those that talked about narcissistic spouses, it’s become apparent to me that my W shows many of the characteristics of being a narcissist- abandoned as a child, not able to show empathy, never wrong, punishes me with days of ignoring me when I dare to criticise her (mostly about her drinking) obsessed about her appearance to name but a few.
So now I’m reading up to see if I am co-dependant. I’m just exploring this narcissist theory, but if I conclude that she is one, that surely is going to be a catalyst to make me want to drop her like a hot rock and move on with my life/

The plot thickens