I didn't get much action in Newcomers, and maybe I don't belong there. I'll repost much of what I said there, as this may be the forum I should be in. I'm not anywhere near divorcing, that I know of, we've never been separated, but as my subject line says, I'm feeling pretty low about my marriage. I've read MANY of Michele's books, and am familiar with the advice, but I just don't know how to apply it in my situation.
And I know that to get advice, you gotta be on other people's threads, but I feel silly giving anyone anything other than support. I haven't been through a divorce or separation, and things look pretty okay here. If you're not actually in it, that is!
I've lurked on this board for over a year, and simply thought I didn't fit in here. I know I'm in a situation that many of you all would find wonderful. I'm not separated, not divorcing, not not having sex, heck, we're not even fighting all that much. [As I reread this, it seems rambly, to me, and for that I apologize in advance.]
But my marriage has undergone more than its share of body blows, and I have GOT to get some advice on things I can do to help or change it, or else I'm going to have more and more problems with my "get outta Dodge" fantasies.
Short history, so you'll know where I'm coming from. I've been married to the Cat in the Hat for almost 13 years. We have Thing 1, who's 9, Thing 2, who's 4, and Thing 3, who's 2. I stay home and rear them, he works.
Almost immediately upon our marriage, my sex drive simply disappeared. We were both pretty surprised, as our sex life had been hot, hot, hot before we got married. And this wasn't a kind of gradual disappearance. We joke that I said, "I do," and then almost immediately said, "Oh, no I don't."
At any rate, we kept together and I kept saying it wasn't anything I'd done consciously. It was as though something had happened to me from the outside, or as though I'd had some kind of brain surgery. But the message Cat got was that I didn't love him anymore, which is understandable.
So time went on, and after Thing 1's birth, well hey, I started to get my body back. Not like before we were married, but the idea of intimacy didn't horrify me any more.
With each child, oddly enough, our sex life has improved. Whatever the reason for my freaky change, and he and I think we know "why," in psychological terms, I changed, I'm changing back. But for him, either the pain of the years -- only four, really, with that great change in our sex life, or the disappointment that we're not back where we started, is something he brings up in fights, in regular conversations, etc.
So it's as though I can't have any legitimate disappointments or criticisms, because, hey, he stayed with me when I rejected him so I ought to cut him some slack. Literally any time I express something like, "I'd like you to not swear at me when we're having a fight," he says something like, "Why should you get what you want when I don't get what I want?" But when I ask what he wants, he'll come up with "I want to be able to do what I want, without you criticizing me." Great in theory. But we have a family that needs cooperative work! What he wannts to do isn't terrible -- he doesn't want to spend all our money or have affairs -- but he doesn't want to have to do anything for the kids _unless he wants to_, and he doesn't want to have to adjust his schedule for anyone _unless he wants to_. Oh, I don't know. . . sorry. I know there's something to work with here, but I don't know where to start. Oh, and in the above conversation, he said, "I want to swear if I want to." Okay, but how can I say to him in a way he'll understand, "I don't want to live in a marriage that has that as an okay behavior"? He always comes back with, "I don't get what I want sexually now; I didn't leave you when you wouldn't have sex with me; why should you get to dictate terms?" There is no way to get past it that I see. I ask for forgiveness, I tell him I wish I'd done things differently, I try very very hard to be sexual with him now. . . no good when the chips are down.
Revealingly the other day, we were talking about housework or something, and he said, "Ever since we had kids, you've been dissatisfied with what I do in the marriage." And I thought, "Well, no kidding!" Because if his great disappointment is that our sex life wasn't what was implicitly promised, my great disappointment, which is ongoing, is that he's nothing like the father and second parent I'd hoped for. Our three little things love him to pieces, but he's barely there for them. If they ask him directly for a hug or a book read to them, he might, but if they jump on him and love on him, he yells, "Get off of me!" and it just breaks my heart. In the nine years of having children, he's taken them out only one morning to a park so I could sleep in. When I'm sick, I still have to do all the childcare/feeding/loving etc., because he just won't do it. His philosphy seems to be benign neglect, but we have children who want an active person. And when things are stressful, like now with a two and four year old who are really active and demanding, he says he doesn't like the way they behave, but the only thing he can think of to do is hit them, and since I won't let him do that. . . And when we were talking about it yesterday, he said that he didn't think modifying environments with things like locks and door latches so they could grow out of stages where they can't stop getting into the things they oughtent wasn't teaching them, even though he agrees it works. So when I asked if he had any other ideas, he said, "No, and I'm not going to research anything!"
Oh, and I had a surprise pregnancy in December, and after one of the ugliest fights we'd ever had, I terminated the pregnancy, even though I'd told myself I never ever would AND I wanted a fourth child, even though I'm pretty overwhelmed by three. I decided that another child would probably sink the marriage irrevocably and that I couldn't in good conscience give another child a father I wouldn't give a dog. And now, of course, I just die over it. If I had it to do again, I'd make a completely different choice, and damn the consequences. I've never felt so guilty and self-loathing about any choice I've made.
So, what do I want? I want him to actually want to do things with us. I know I should go and do happy things without him until he misses us, but quite frankly, sometimes I'd like a break from the chilluns. And I'm physically tired, too. And if we go too long away from him, he gets angry. He wants us here, but he doesn't want us to bother him. Family wallpaper, maybe? The ugly fight in December was because I'd taken the kids away for a relative visit for two weeks. AND he'd agreed to it, but the reality was it was too long for him so he got mad and nasty.
I'd like him to have some softness or thoughtfulness towards me. Our marriage works well on a business level, but it's like I'm with someone who wants me sexually, but just doesn't care that much about me, at least not enough to do anything that would put him out much, like agreeing with me that a night out a week would help recharge me for my 24/7 job of rearing our children.
His parenting is killing my love for him. It's just that he's not really a kind or nice person any more, if he ever was. I married him in part because I thought he'd be a great parent. He was so good to his dog! But now he doesn't even take ours for walks, let alone the kids. It's as though we are both so steeped in disappointment that we just can't connect any more. Our "we" is gone, and it's every person for himself at our house. Except for the fact that I have three little persons who need help.
This is the only place I can think of that might be a source of ideas for things I could do to make the changes happen that I need to not want to flee my marriage.
So, advice, criticism, suggestions, questions welcomed. Thanks. FIS
