Need advice on detaching- Part 2

[SteveLW]

Kiro,

First, pursuit and pressure, nor DBing techniques can or will control your W. And if you read the other sitches and many of our posts in those sitches, WASs have an UNCANNY ability to detect if their LBS is doing things simply to manipulate them. It is like a sixth sense.

Likely this is what occurred in your sitch. You got bombed on BD. You found this other marriage expert and he preached pursuit. (I think I know who you are talking about, and I also used his techniques. I think they can work BEFORE BD, but I don't think they are as effective after BD.) You immediately started buying gifts, trying to date her, talking to her. Maybe even touching her. So look at it from her perspective. She says she wants out, and needs time and space. You start smothering her with attention, gifts, trying to talk to her all the time, trying to ask her out on dates, maybe even touching her even though you rarely did before BD. Do you see how counter-productive that is? After BD WASs least want MORE of their LBS.

DBing does exactly what you mentioned above. It makes YOU a better person. But not to manipulate your WAS, for you moving forward. You become a much more balanced, easy going, secure person. You start becoming mentally, physically and emotionally what you should have been PRIOR to BD. And here is the catch.....it isn't to manipulate your WAS into staying, it is so you are ok no matter what happens in your sitch.

Now here is the real kicker. Once you GAL, institute 180s, and detach, you become an amazing person that other people want to be around, including sometimes your WAS. The reason it is called DBing is because if you do it well there is a good chance your WAS WILL take note. Whether that spurs them to want to R and stay in MR or not, they will take note. DBing is no guarantee of saving your MR. But it is a guarantee of saving yourself, and making you awesome and ready for a new R, whether that is with your WAS or someone else.

The key is in what you said: once you start doing DB techniques you REALLY start to detach. Not fake detach to manipulate, but really start to question why you wanted to save your MR to begin with. It is a strange phenomenon. In fact, the majority of the long term posters on this site were not successful in saving their MR. But they were successful in that DBing let them prepare for what lay next. Many of them, despite their WASs desire to R, made the choice themselves to D!

So when you DB well, there is a high likelihood that your WAS will take notice. Either they will come back to the MR and you will accept them back and start piecing. Or they'll take notice, but still walk away. Or they will try to come back and the LBS will say "No thanks." That is DBing. The name is a bit ironic. Yes MWD created DBing techniques based on what she observed gave the best chance in sitches like ours to move toward R.

Kiro I get the impression you were looking for a magic bullet. For something you could do that guaranteed you would save your MR. If you are looking for that then yes you will be disappointed. When you found DBing what you found was techniques that greatly enhanced your chances of success in R. But guaranteed you would be okay to move forward no matter what happened with your MR.

This go long, but you brought up a very deep subject that many of us struggle with especially early on.