Maika, so I did some self reflection last night along with trying to get more sleep than I had the previous night. I'm not sure that what I came up with was resentment, more likely didn't like/appreciate. W was grumpy alot, perhaps due to the resentment/anger she had towards me. W was not flexible in her opinions. W did not like my mother, perhaps because she felt her a threat, although I would have always sided with my W and I thought she knew that. W wouldn't seek help for things she struggled with, also I don't think she appreciated the blessings that she had in her life. W only once at home post-baby can I recall her coming and kissing me, there was no hugging nor did she post-baby initiate any cuddling/sex. If I tried to, I was declined. When there was a task I was attempting to do around the house, if she became impatient or thought I could not do it, she would step in and take over instead of allowing me to continue. And I was constantly compared to the male members of her family. They were handy around the house whereas I was not. I think W felt she could not rely on me for stuff around the house, although her family members would say that's silly as I just had skills in different areas than them that were equally valuable. Bottom line I did not feel in her eyes I measured up to them even though I was learning from them skills for future use.
Listening...so I was fully attentive when she would talk to me. cell phone/tablet down, direct eye contact. W would say I didn't hear her OR we just weren't speaking the same language. W talked much about work and I was engaged in hearing her, asking her questions, etc. Many day to day topics were repeated BUT I think the key thing would have been if she could have just said to me "B, this issue is really important to me" I would have made it a priority as I would have known it was a priority to her. You can't talk about 100+ things as happens in the day to day of life and make all of them a priority. I just need to know "hey B, no crap this bugs the crap out of me and I need it taken care of ASAP".
Steve, yes even as I've been spinning in self-pity and blaming myself, I have continued to remind myself believe NOTHING. Also yes for whatever anger/resentment W may harbor towards me, she WAS happy at times. She was not miserable all the time I don't believe. And yes, for sure no way right now W would tell me anything other than she is happy as can be. The other rule of Never Give Up I've repeated to myself many times as well these last few days.
Joseph/Maika, there was no abuse, addiction, cheating, etc. I loved her, was loyal, dependable, provided her emotional support...I was a good, loyal, honorable, but imperfect man who always placed the needs of his W and family first. I can't say that she did not convey to me some things that bothered her, but as I say before I could not delineate the truly important ones from the lesser mundane ones. Since we separated we have had not a single phone call nor communication face to face regarding the issues that caused us to split. While I have learned some things from her they have all been via chat/email. She felt we were roommates and to be clear I don't disagree to an extent, but as a couple with a small child and both of us working I felt it more of a circumstance of where we were in our lives at that time as opposed to a permanent reflection of our relationship for the rest of our lives. If you Google for that you will find the internet is littered with tons of couples with young children expressing the same sentiment. Also when we were on vacations, we were MUCH better. Since separation W refused any kind of professional counseling/assistance and it has only been myself who has wanted to try to resolve/address our issues. Pre-separation we never had a communication about the need/desire for us to seek outside help either.
I think I was a great father, great provider, dependable/dedicated/loving husband who was imperfect. I was lazy at times, a procrastitnator, but if at ANY time W wanted/needed something done or to go here or there, I was ALWAYS agreeable to doing so. Post-baby I was not a great lover, but it had nothing to do with a loss of attraction for W. W did not initiate, was struggling with body image and seemed un-open to my advances. Again though on vacation, we were much better.
I guess the last thing to say is getting divorced once, I was able to more readily accept it as a life-mulligan. I saw the loss of the first as necessary for the beauty of the second that I felt beyond blessed to find. That I am now facing the possible loss of the second when specifically I wanted to be so dedicated to it's success AND I have such a beautiful D who's life will be forever impacted by it's failure...I am VERY hard on myself. To lose one marriage is one thing...to lose a second with an innocent child involved is quite another. I have had friends say "third time is the charm" but given each of my prior MRs wherein my W just basically decided "nope, don't want to be married anymore" the thought of EVER having another MR even though I would very much want to enjoy a lifetime love just seems too impossible and I worry that the rug will get pulled from under me again.
Thank you all very much for your continued interest and support that you provide me.
