Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Rita]

Gordie, lately I have this feeling that much of your peace and the confident way you looked out on the world is just a little bit shaky. There is some sadness in your posts that I didn't see before -- it's as if in her returning a tiny bit, you have lost hope.

I totally understand this as the exact same thing happened to me during the times my H seemed to return a little. I know just the weariness you are feeing and I send you a big ((((((Gordie)))))))).

DnJ is right that those of us with MIA spouses would be so happy if our spouses asked us to do anything with them. But on the other hand, it is pretty obvious that she is still cycling so she is still not the W you knew, she is still an MLCer even if friendlier. She is still baking. As a mom I can assure you that I love time to myself and long for someone to watch my kids so I can do stuff, but I do not consider that my primary focus and I would not do lots of things without them. So her desire to do that is part of the blindness, and I just don't see the point of taking it so seriously -- by that I mean, by believing it's the new her and will last forever.

If you trust God, you can be sure that if she truly returns, it will be your W, or a better version of her, not this limbo version. If you trust God, a return to the faith is going to be part of that, but it will not be on your timing or follow any script you expect.

My H spouts philosophy and theology to suit whatever his confusion can fit, he rationalized sin to sin back to God to sin to Buddha and now to some kind of yoga chanting God-as-vibration stuff. It's all part of the cycling. When I catch myself worrying about it, I remind myself that he's still baking in one hot oven.

You are the master of listening without judgment when the MLCer spews craziness, why can't you see her desire to do those separate activities as part of that and employ the same methods, but "actively listen" by attending once a week or every other week and not take it as a symbol of anything? Explain to your kids that you need to spend some time with Mom now to help her get comfortable in her own skin, and that you are so grateful to them for allowing you the time away when you would prefer in many ways to do something all together or to spend your limited time away from work with them, and that you can't wait to do X favorite activity with them the next day.