Hello Gordie. I go away for two weeks and there is so much to catch up on - work, family, and here. I read your post two days ago but have been so busy I haven’t been able to respond.


As to your W wanting you to participate in her activity. That’s awesome!

What I would give to have my W dump OM, stop ideas of D, and want to include me in an activity she enjoys.

That is a big step up from W being angry at you and not wanting you around.


My advice.

Short version - Go! Spend time with her.


Longer version:

Your W has made an effort to ask you to be part of an activity she enjoys. I understand you are not thrilled with this activity, but that is beside the point, you should go and spend time with her. Hopefully, the following ideas can make it more palatable to attend even if it is something you really detest. So go, make good and fun memories together. Maybe respond something like:

W, I love spending time with you. Thank you for asking me to join you at yyy.

I think a big thing here is no pressure. You are just responding to her offer.


Things are going in a good positive direction, but to be clear I do not think you are piecing, not yet. This is more like those first dates from so many years ago. You had to do some things you probably were not thrilled with, but may not even had realized it. I mean if you had said on date 3 or 4, I really don’t like this, there may not have been dates 5, 6, or 7.

Remember those times? Man she is a hot girl. I really want to spend time with her.

You were just happy to get to hold hands and kiss her good night. Well she is still hot and you still want to spend time with her (from what you have previously said). So spend time with her. Btw don’t think of this as a date.


Eventually, after a few of these events, and if she seems reasonable you could ask something like:

W, I really love spending time with you. I’ve had a lot of fun at yyy. How about next Saturday we go to xxx?

I would not expect a favourable response, in fact I would ensure to keep expectations at zero - but I would hope for positive response.

A while back I said how I see expectations as hope with a timeline. For all of this interaction with W - hope for positive outcomes, good times, and so on. But do not expect it. If you were to ask her to go to the monster truck race and she says no, you won’t get disappointed if you only hoped for it and not expected it.

I have been thinking of how you had seen hope as a four letter word and found it soul crushing. I find it is disappointment that crushes one’s soul. Hope lifts up. Hope renews. Drop expectations. Keep hope.


Now, why go to something you do not have much interest in. The main reason is to be part of your W’s life again, create good memories, and start breaking down those protective walls that get built up over the years of detachment and letting go. Also W’s feelings and thoughts have changed and she even has new beliefs. She has new activities to go with her new personality. Her feeling and beliefs could change again, in fact as she becomes whole and healed I would expect that to happen. So her new favourite activity may not even exist in the future.

You, I, all of us LBS have also altered our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. For the last years you (all of us) have been detaching, letting go, limiting contact, and such to survive, heal, and keep love and hope alive as best you can. It has become a habit to limit interacting with her. It is these very habits that are having you question if you should participate in her activity. I think when you get to this next stage those habits are now in the way and will need to be broken. You obviously have a strong belief in M and W and R. You have stood for a long time and that takes more than some fleeting feelings, it takes a strong belief.

- - -

As you can probably tell I have given some thought to the actions and problems I see upcoming if, and hopefully when, I was to face my W starting to return. The following is how I see it, a plan before the storm. Maybe it applies a bit to you.

Just like I said about detachment I think reattachment requires an accurate look at the situation. I have been hurt deeply and would not be very open to being hurt again. But I would have to risk it. I have been ignoring her antics and actions for so long it would be hard to change gears. But there is no chance at reconciliation if I do not reach out. However, the biggest thing is that my own feelings, thoughts, and some beliefs would betray me. The very things that have helped me get to this moment would become a detriment. So - Fake it till you make it.

I have allocated a year, a full 12 months, to not act on my feelings and thoughts, to give them time to settle and balance. For months after BD I felt I would never get over some things, I can see that could happen again when interacting with W and all the feelings it would stir up. I would need to consciously not react to problems. In a year from now things that are currently bothersome will not even matter. I have already seen that things from BD are barely on the radar anymore. The current problems and incompatibilities will not exist in time. I have worked so hard and survived so much, this is not the time to lose control and blow it.

Things will get a lot more difficult. I know the MLCer’s feelings are mixed up - they are going to be mixed up for quite a while yet. Be prepared to interact, and process your own crazy and mixed feelings too - just remember they are feelings and they change. Give it time to change your beliefs. It will happen just keep going. Remember when you would have given anything to be here. Well you are here. Stay calm and keep going forward.

This is your roadmap DnJ. Things are going to get weird and very trying. Refer to this. Remember you made this when you were in a much better and sane place. Get through this and you will be again. Hopefully with a M, R, and loving W.

- - - -

Ok. I wrote a bit more than I intended.

You are right if she was all in to rebuilding the M, much easier.

I think you are just going to have to give it a try. Then follow some very good advice from a pretty smart guy I have followed for some time. His name is Gordie.

Do more of what works and less of what doesn’t.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.