KML, it's a good observation about the contrasts between seeking out attractive vs. unattractive partners. It's nice to hear your ex-bf still seeks you out! It sounds like you also well understand the cheating mindset among physicians although we know they're not all like that. Regarding looking better for myself - I'm trying but need to try more. Prior to having my daughter I wore a suit to work with makeup every day and had really beautiful hair with highlights. Since then I've been working-from-home so I don't have as much need to look good every day and my budget has been tighter. As soon as I recover financially from this past year I'll do more. I was even looking into a procedure called Pelleve for under my eyes because some of the lines are worse than other people my age due to crying and allergies. I do wear makeup most days but I have allergies to most eye makeup so I can't wear it consistently. I need to find a new dermatologist to advise on this issue. Overall I do wish to feel that I'm the best that I can be, even if it's not comparable to the Victoria's Secret type that my husband goes for.
Vanilla, I really appreciate the way you write. It always brings a laugh and smile. Maybe because you're from the UK and you use different phrases than we use here in the US but it's really funny. You have a way with words! I haven't been able to find your original thread but I'll search again. It's encouraging to hear you were once in this position and you were able to move on and feel better. You're right about everything you write. My husband is currently attractive on the outside but not on the inside, although the version of him that I married was heroic, kind, attentive, and generous. It's definitely his desire to cheat and the many opportunities to do so that are to blame. It's also true that I was the only American woman he'd ever met when we met in his home country where women are mostly fully covered, but I was a conservative American woman which meant I was respected. In that part of the world a lot of men would love to have a fling with an easy scantily dressed woman but they wouldn't respect or marry such a woman. I, on the other hand, was the type that men in that culture would marry. So my husband was really happy with me at that time although it's still possible he was using me for immigration purposes. I'll never fully know because we stayed married for so long after he became a citizen but it's possible he always had a plan to leave once enough time passed. Anyway I generally feel that who I am as a person is beautiful. I care about children and animals. My career is focused on helping reduce poverty and conflict in the world. I recycle and care about the environment. I try to help others and give more than I receive. At my daughter's schools both here and in our old state the toddlers would run over to me and start talking which I noticed doesn't happen with the other moms. I eat healthy and don't have any alcohol or caffeine and little salt and sugar. I don't know. I feel I try and I feel I'm probably beautiful as a person, just not to my husband. I also did a lot of bad things to my husband that were out-of-character because I got so frustrated with him these past few years. But I'll do as you say and practice more self-love and hope to feel less hurt by my husband's rejection. Sometimes it feels like you could be anyone in the world but a man would easily dismiss you for a fun, easy, young sex object but I guess you can reach a point where you don't care anymore. I'm glad Vanilla that you've overcome many of your own challenges and see bad behavior for what it is.
LoneWlf, I'm sure you're a handsome guy. That's still a beautiful story about how you and your wife met and married even if it ends prematurely. I like how she met your family at Christmas! It's like it was meant to be and she went straight to being accepted by them. She also sounds lovely for wanting to help care for your father. Your proposal also sounds amazing and I love that it took place in a church. It's hard to believe your wife turned into who she is now. It doesn't make sense. I'm sure your wife is also beautiful on the outside but it's reaffirming to know you loved who she was as a person. I know there are a good men like you out there. I also believe the bitterness, resentment, and sarcasm I displayed towards my husband after he started to pull away further facilitated his loss of attraction to me. That's why I'm sorry for my behavior I have worked to change. If your wife would want to change and be the beautiful woman she used to be both inside and outside I bet you could be attracted to her again. I still feel we can learn from our mistakes, forgive and be forgiven, and have second chances but it can only happen when both partners are willing to try as we all know well.
Arsh, yes my husband is immature. That's the word that my friends in real life use. My husband's second BD was mid-August last year and two weeks later we were living separately. We were living in a temporary vacation home last summer while we waited for our new house to be done. Then my husband moved to the house and my daughter and I to an apartment. Initially my husband said he wanted to separate and he'd stay in the house to finish the final details and then we'd try to fix our marriage and my daughter and I would move into the house. Then that never happened and he wouldn't allow us to move into the house. The apartment we stayed in was really bad. Now we're in a nice apartment in our new city but it's still nothing compared to the house we built. Before my husband's second BD things were actually improving. We were excited about our new house and we were all sleeping together in the same bed last summer in part because we were afraid our daughter would fall out of the other bed during the night so she slept between us. But we'd go to bed all together and wake up all together. One night last July my husband said something mean and I said (insincerely) he could go live in the new house alone and he was so upset. He said "No! Don't say that!" So until the night that he came back from the psychologist last summer I don't think he was planning to separate again but he wasn't willing to put in the effort to fix the marriage either. It's a complicated dynamic. The void now is the same as it was before. We live in a different place and we're busy and active with friends, colleagues, neighbors, and relatives but wherever we go we're surrounded by happy complete families as I often write. I still have yet to meet a single parent (I'll try to find a new MeetUp group but the one here is waitlisted). At the end of the day I'm still alone. I can't plan fun dates to the movies or to a restaurant or walk in a park holding hands with anyone because I don't have a husband and I'm not dating either. There's a void that can't be filled but my daughter and I are doing the best we can do. We have each other and we don't depend on my husband. My daughter is happy right now, but someday she'll figure out that she was abandoned by her father and she'll be hurt. I hope you'll feel less of a void when your husband leaves but it's hard. I hope it'll get better for us both as time passes.
KitKat, that's a happy story about your friend marrying the woman he loved after so many years of them being apart. It sounds like the way he felt about that woman is how I feel about my husband. I'm glad it worked out for them to marry later on. It sounds like an issue of timing and they finally connected at the right time. It sounds like this man was also a good friend to you and had a lot of empathy when you were going through a rough time. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm not sure what more I can do action-wise to move on right now. From an outer appearance I've moved on. I don't even talk much about my situation to my friends and colleagues anymore because they've already heard the story and they've lost interest and I don't see any value in bringing it up. I don't call my husband or depend on him for anything except financial support which is now in jeopardy because he lost his job. I don't see my husband often now that we live 1,000 miles away. I've done counseling for almost a year. I've done more GAL in the past few months than in all of my youth (at least that's how it feels). I'm not sure what more I can do. I think it sounds worse on this forum because this is really the only place now where I talk about this issue. I feel that all of my hopes and dreams have been wiped away this past year. It's not just my husband who is gone but everything we built together and worked towards for a decade is gone. I went from being financially stable in at least an upper middle class standing to barely scraping by. The business I started is gone. Our plans to give our daughter a great life are gone. I turned 40 and I'm suddenly single. I think the part where I'm stuck is that we're still legally married. There's still that small window of opportunity for my husband to wake up and realize what he's doing before we go through all the paperwork and process of divorce but I don't see any signs of that happening. He's been nicer. Things between us have been normalizing. When he visits we're able to smile together and play with our daughter which makes her happy. He hasn't mentioned divorce now since March so on one hand things are better and I'm much happier now than I was before we moved. On the other hand he shows no interest in reconciling as married partners. Whatever happens in the future we didn't do the immediate divorce my husband wanted in January which would have been so devastating so I'm thankful for that. But on the other hand all those hopes and dreams are still gone - even if we try to start over it'll be a totally different life. And until we divorce or reconcile there's a void that can't be filled, but I'm trying to have patience and fill my life and my daughter's life with many different people and activities. I'm glad we moved and got established here before my husband lost his job because he paid all our expenses to make this happen and now he wouldn't be able to do that. I do sound like a broken record probably because I'm still trying to stabilize and process all these changes. I can definitely see what a bad person my husband has been especially compared to what I see all around me. There's another man in my life who would be better than my husband, and I know he feels the same about me, but our circumstances prevent us from being together and I doubt we'll ever have that chance. I don't really know what else do to except allow time to pass while I raise my daughter, pursue my career, focus on faith, and keep building a strong and diverse social network. I wish there was one more thing I could do and it would fix everything and I'd forget about my husband forever but I haven't found it. Maybe if I accidentally fell in love unexpectedly with another man it would change everything, but in real life even if that happened my daughter is #1 and I'm not willing to sacrifice much of my time with her to spend with another man. I'm glad you and your husband are doing fine and found a solution that works for both of you. If your husband is happy with his purchases and he can make you happy too then that's as much as you can ask for in life! It's important to never take for granted the love of our spouse when we're married. I'm glad things worked out for you. I have no idea about my future but I'll always remain open to reconciling with my husband if the circumstances are right and he's willing to do the work. We'll see how it goes.
