Is It Too Late?

[WillD78]

If I'm reading correctly then you really don't know if she lied or not. She said she was running to the store. Did she say it would take 15 minutes or did you just assume that? My W could never go in a store and buy one thing and walk out, too many distractions. 45 minutes doesn't sound that long to me. Here's the thing, if you are going to embrace DB'ing then you have got to quit letting little things like this get to you. DETACH. Give her TIME and SPACE. That means not concerning yourself with where she is every second of the day. She wants breathing room and you've got to give it to her. If she wants to take her time at the store then let her. You go about YOUR life and let her live hers.

But she was only gone for 45 minutes? I could understand if she said she was going to the store and disappeared for 6 hours, but I think you're making a big deal out of nothing in this case. She feels trapped in a M she doesn't want and you've got to "open the cage door". Telling her it's not acceptable to be gone for 45 minutes is just going to make her feel more caged-in, right?

Fair points. I admit that I didn't handle this correctly. In my defense, though, I have an hour break from work for lunch. W knows this. It's routine that she will occasionally run out and get a coffee or make a quick trip to the store when I am home for lunch. It takes me 15 minutes to get home and 15 minutes to drive back to the office, which leaves me 30 minutes at home. If she had taken a longer trip out when getting back to work wasn't an issue, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Looking back, I think I felt that she was taking advantage of my time and not respecting my schedule. Either way, if it happens again, I'll just let it slide. I see now that it did me no good to get upset over it.

Be patient and take a long-term view. Don't temperature check because you're never going to hear what you want to hear. It's going to be quite a while before she might start changing her mind about the M. Don't read meaning into her emotional moments.

Thanks for the reminder. I was pretty proud of myself for holding back in this scenario.

So don't sweat little stuff like this too much as in the long run it doesn't really affect things. I think you handled it fine though. Most WAS's want to continue acting like a family right up until they move out, that's when things change quite a bit.

Thanks for the affirmation. I would love for her to start feeling the consequences of separation before she moves out, but it is a tricky and delicate sitch with the children.

One example might be that if she's helping one of your daughters with homework you might mention how impressed you are at how patient she is with the girls, that sort of thing. While DB'ing you don't want to go too heavy on physical compliments, so look for ways to compliment her work skills, or crafts, cooking, etc.

This is great advice that I will implement. Thank you. I guess that's another book I'll have to read when I finish DR.

Appreciate your support and perspective!