When she finally returned, I was angry at her for lying to me.
If I'm reading correctly then you really don't know if she lied or not. She said she was running to the store. Did she say it would take 15 minutes or did you just assume that? My W could never go in a store and buy one thing and walk out, too many distractions. 45 minutes doesn't sound that long to me. Here's the thing, if you are going to embrace DB'ing then you have got to quit letting little things like this get to you. DETACH. Give her TIME and SPACE. That means not concerning yourself with where she is every second of the day. She wants breathing room and you've got to give it to her. If she wants to take her time at the store then let her. You go about YOUR life and let her live hers.
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Later that evening I told my W that she doesn't need to tell me where she is going or what she is doing, but that I will not put up with her disappearing like that and not telling our girls. If it happens again, we will not sit at home and wait for her to return.
But she was only gone for 45 minutes? I could understand if she said she was going to the store and disappeared for 6 hours, but I think you're making a big deal out of nothing in this case. She feels trapped in a M she doesn't want and you've got to "open the cage door". Telling her it's not acceptable to be gone for 45 minutes is just going to make her feel more caged-in, right?
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I'm over talking R. I will not ever initiate those talks. W showed emotion without me showing it first for the first time on Friday, nearly crying and telling me that she is doing her best. I wondered if she is having second thoughts.
No, it's far too soon for that. You will see things like this now and then, it is NOT regret, simply some feelings of guilt and frustration. She still thinks she's justified in ending the M though. You've got to see this from her CURRENT point of view, her entire mindset has changed and you don't know this new W yet.
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I really wanted to say something like, "It's not too late. If you are having second thoughts, we can work this out. You don't have to move just because you signed the lease." But I was strong.
Be patient and take a long-term view. Don't temperature check because you're never going to hear what you want to hear. It's going to be quite a while before she might start changing her mind about the M. Don't read meaning into her emotional moments.
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This was an interesting and difficult yet enjoyable weekend.On Friday evening I told my wife that I was thinking about taking our Ds out to dinner, as we did not have plans or food to cook. She was quiet and reserved and I could see tears welling in her eyes. This is not normal for her. She has not shown much emotion around me since BD. I asked her if she was OK. She said yes, and looked away. That was that. I got the girls ready for dinner and -- was this a mistake? -- I asked W if she was going to come with us. Thinking about the rules "... it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go." I thought this might have been OK. Anyway, she said, "I thought you were just taking the girls." I told her she was welcome to come. She asked me if I wanted her to go. I told her: "It's up to you. We're going." Ultimately she decided to join us. Did I handle this correctly?
There are going to be awkward situations like this that come up. Try to remember that it took her months or even years to become a WAW and no one thing you do is going to bring her back or send her away for good. You've got to show her a different you consistently over a long period of time. So don't sweat little stuff like this too much as in the long run it doesn't really affect things. I think you handled it fine though. Most WAS's want to continue acting like a family right up until they move out, that's when things change quite a bit.
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Yesterday, she looked exceptionally beautiful, and I told her that. Is it OK to pay her compliments like this?
Have you read the 7 Love Languages? A lot of women have WoA as their primary language, but even if she doesn't it's probably high on her list. Read that chapter for ideas on how to offer WoA without it being sexual. It needs to be specific as well, not just generic compliments. One example might be that if she's helping one of your daughters with homework you might mention how impressed you are at how patient she is with the girls, that sort of thing. While DB'ing you don't want to go too heavy on physical compliments, so look for ways to compliment her work skills, or crafts, cooking, etc.
