The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

Just an update
Last Friday W asked me to drop the kids off with her after I collect them from school. I refused as we had not agreed to change the childrens schedule. I told her I had already made plans with the kids for that night. Arguments followed over text but she finally agreed that I could have the kids.

I got to Nursery and W was just leaving (she is the manager there). She seemed shifty and was in a hurry and said she was going to fetch the kids bed time bears. I had an issue that my W had told the staff at nursery to hide DD shoes. So I had to take her home in wellingtons. I was very angry at this and DD was not happy to be wearing wellies. I collected my S and both the kids started crying. Saying they wanted to be at there mums. I told them that I had plans for them to sleep over at my Mums so they could see my nieces before they went back home. They both still cried so I called W and told her to pick them up because she has spoiled my Friday with the kids. We got home and waited for over an hour but she never showed up.

I had been fighting a stomache bug all day so my sister came to collect the kids and took them for the sleepover. I went upstairs and spent the whole night being very poorly.

The following day I txt W to ask what time she wanted the kids. She replied not until late afternoon. This is really frustrating. She acts like she wants the kids but when she is supposed to have them she does not want them. I was happy to have the time with them. She came to collect them that afternoon. Late as usual. We did not talk.

I put together a new schedule for the kids and emailed it to her. The next day I asked W if she agreed to it. W said she did not understand it. So I asked to call. She said no but we can discuss it when she drops the kids off.

W brought kids home on time and I asked her to come in and she agreed (only second time she has entered the house after leaving) . We were civil and discussed the schedule . I offered for her to have the kids this weekend because I am taking them on holiday for a week. She only wants them for one day! Then W asked if I could have them the weekend when we get back because she has a CrossFit competition. I agreed. This to me just showed that her new life style is taking priority over the kids. The competition will not go on all day and all night. So she is obviously going for drinks that night too. So she seems to only want the kids when I have them and seems to do it just so we can argue. I did not say any of this to her.

She stayed for over an hour and the kids took her around the house whilst I got on with jobs. They showed W the sunflowers they had grown that where a mother’s day present (I offered them to her before she left. She declined). The kids were ecstatic that there mum was back in the house.

I was polite and confident. Smartly dressed and smelt good during the visit.The house looked great. I did not linger and to be honest I was not interested in spending any time with W and only discussed the kids. It did feel really strange that I was not emotionally wanting towards her. I do not know if that’s good or bad. I just feel that she has hurt and betrayed me too much.

I have been GAL . I have reinvested in my hobbies. Cycling. Drawing. Sorting through my action figure collection and doing my excersises. I am feeling much more confident in myself and I am learning to be happy in just my own company.

I can not wait to go away with the kids next week.

[SteveLW]

So if you suspect she just wants the kids when you are scheduled with them to argue, then call her bluff. Next time she says she wants the kids on one of your nights, just say "ok". It sounds like you have plenty of time with them so I would feel free to give up a night or two here or there to see how she reacts. Likely she will be expecting an argument, and when she doesn't get it, and she gets "stuck" (from her perspective) with the kids a couple of times more than likely her requests will cease.

[Rawpain]

Thanks Steve85 that sounds like a plan.

[Kronar]

Thank you for clarifying it for me and giving me incite into what it did for you and what you faced.I am doing excersise but at the moment I do not want to go near a gym as that is what helped steel my W away from me as the people at hers helped W walk away without even knowing me. I know theyre not all the same but they are becoming ever more popular places for people to start A in.
I lost my faith quite a few years ago but I am truly grateful for the upbringing it gave me.
I will be cautious the next time I go out and try and keep my wits about me. I do not really head to the bars during the week as I can not afford to with all my bills now. I just have enough to have one blow out a month.
Thanks again.

Mate you need to go to the gym. You will gain muscle, strength, respect from other men and woman, confidence due to your increased fitness and you will also meet people that are not in the bar scene. I don't know what current shape you are in but it wouldn't be a bad thing to be in better shape. You need to do it right though. "Bigger leaner stronger" by Michael Matthews is the best book by far for anyone looking to get into shape that does not already have the required knowledge. Its a digital download on amazon so you can start reading it right away and put it onto your phone with the kindle app and read it at the gym. This guy has basically taken everything I have learned in my 20 years of exercising and put it into into a book that anyone can benefit from . It includes how to diet to get abs, recovery, everything! I was an avid weightlifter/bodybuilder for 20 years until I stopped going once my WAW and I had our first child. I have got back into it recently and it is the greatest thing in the world for my confidence levels. I am not back to my past levels (its harder when you get older and I am 43 now) but I am feeling pretty damn good about how I look. It will take some time to see results but when you do you will love the results!

[Kronar]

So W contated me today and said she wants to meet to talk through finances. This has pi55ed me off as I was asking to have this meeting before she left but she left me in the stink and took her wages after she had spent mine and left me in debt. Now she has had a dig that I will be getting the child benefit money and she wont get anything- we agreed this before she left because she did not want the hassle of the paper work and I am on the lower income. I have not said I would not help her with money for the kids. I have already said that I will be paying all the kids childcare costs- this is going to be tight as summer holidays are approaching and my S will need to go into holiday club. I have had to get a loan to pay our credit card and our overdraft off- I had to do this to get her name removed off our account- she is not paying anything towards this. We are only one year into our mortgage and if we sell we will be in debt because we payed more for the house because it was her dream home that she so desperately wanted- but she is still on the mortgage but not paying anything towards it. She does not pay her half of the life insurance to the mortgage.
I think she is going to try and ask for some of the benefit because she is struggling. I noticed she has still been buying lots of new clothes and has just had a holiday. I dont want to be giving her money just so she can have her jollies. I am thinking of saying she can ask me for money when she wants to buy things for the kids- but she has to check with me first and that I will need a copy of the receipt for the purchase. Me being controlling was not an issue in M because W always complained I was to laid back and let her make all the decisions so I dont feel this is an issue of control. Since she left I have really taken control of all my finances and got everything in order and I am just coping. I have not even received any benefit money yet.

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks in advance.

Do not accept less than you are legally entitled to. Research that as all governments have their facts, figures, and calculators on websites. In your country you might have to pay 100% of the childcare but only when you are taking care of them. If she also uses the same service then she might have to pay some of it as well. Learn the laws. Do not agree to paying all of the childcare if not legally required. That is not a fair solution. It should be exactly what the law requires as the minimum and fair.

[Rawpain]

Thanks Kronan
I am doing excersise. I just dont want to go to the gym. I lost a lot of weight with stress at the beginning of all this. I took that as a head start into getting into better shape. I never really did any excersise but have since started. I am pretty happy with my new routine. It looks a little like this.

Every other night I do :
40 sit ups
20 push ups
20 squats
100 reps (with a dining room chair- it’s enough for me for now)
On Monday I swim 2 kilometres
On Thursday I cycle for 2 hours

Regarding diet I have cut out all processed sugar and cut bread out of my diet and eat much healthier better portion sized meals.

I know it isnt a huge work out routine but I am enjoying it and have started to tone up rather than just being skinny and it is 100% more than what I was doing.

Thank you for your advice though. Maybe once I have peaked at this routine and finances have settled I will look into a gym..

[Rawpain]

Just a little journaling.

I went away with the kids for a week. Had a great time. Made loads of great memories. Lots of great photos to put up around the house to fill the gaps of the ones I took down with W in. The kids seemed so happy. They did play up a little and the worst times seemed to be the nights after they had spoken to W on the phone. I then had another week off with them but this was just at home spent playing.trips to the parks and walks and lots of ice creams.
W has hardly seen kids.even when we got back I gave her the opportunity to come and see them at my house. I cooked them tea and popped out to the shop so the kids could have some mummy time. I asked if she would like to bath them (on her own) she refused. She did not even stay for an hour. The next day was W day to have them but she had a CrossFit competition so I had them and the following day she took them to go watch OM compete in CrossFit comp. the other two days she has had them she has dragged them off to her gym.
I feel so bad for the kids. They just want to spend time with there mum. I know she loves them and claims she wants to spend time with them but doesnt show it. She has them for four days now so I hope she actually spends time with them.

[Rawpain]

Some more journaling.

Regards to me. I have come to terms with my whole situation. Looking back I can see that our M did need work and did have flaws. I was contempt with it but it could of been better. Im not trying to justify W actions but understand that we both could and should of done more to make it a more healthy R.
My feelings towards W have levelled out now and im sure that I dont want W back. I have felt this way for over a month now and it’s not fluctuating. Yes I still miss her at times but her actions and deciet and hurt she caused me crushed the love I had for her. I dont feel I should forgive her . Does this make me a bad person? I dont talk to her when we handover kids unless it involves them. I dont want to know about her new life in anyway.

It still hurts when the kids talk about playing with OM and doing things with him and his kids. I hope that just gets easier with time.

Question. How do I teach my kids what my wife has done is wrong without it damaging there opinion of her. Acting like everything W has done is okay.surely will alter their moral compass?

My healthy eating went out the window whilst I was on holiday. But I felt I deserved it.

Back onto the exercise again and I’m happy to be doing it.

I have made a lady friend. We have been talking for nearly 2 months. She used to work with W and came out of a long term R herself. We arent dating . Just friends. We have both talked about not being ready for an R with anyone. Its nice to have someone to talk to and a little flirting in the middle. Is this healthy for me? It definetly helps me stop thinking about W.

I am feeling more positive these days but strangely my sleep has been more restless. I dont understand why.

Regards to GAL I havent really been doing anything social. I have been going for walks and getting out on my bike . I do know I need to do more but I have had the kids lost of the time.

So thats me at the moment.

[SteveLW]

Question. How do I teach my kids what my wife has done is wrong without it damaging there opinion of her. Acting like everything W has done is okay.surely will alter their moral compass?

From my experience you don't have to do anything. Your kids will process what has occurred as they grow and mature and look back. I've known lots of kids from broken homes, where one parent cheated on the other, and almost universally the kids eventually grow up to have a pretty severe opinion of cheaters. In fact, most of them I know won't even tolerate their friends cheating on their spouses! So I don't think you do anything above being a shining tower of an example of morality for your children, and they will know what their mom did was wrong, hurtful, and caused their family to be torn apart. You won't have to say anything about it.

[Rawpain]

Thanks Steve
I hope so . They are probably too young to remember any of this when theyre older anyway. I do know that MIL had quite a few partners whilst W was growing up and her F was a serail cheater with his partners.